Cadaver Wagon….

A man who drives a vehicle with the license plate “KDVR WGN” lives in my hood.  I was admiring the license plate and decided to snap a quick picture.  The owner of the Cadaver Wagon comes trolling up to me.  (I should’ve known too, he was the only creepy, soft-spoken white guy in the parking lot)

He retorts:  ’You aren’t going to get me in trouble now, are you?”   Then he laughs an evil little laugh.  I chuckle uncomfortably.  One of my friends points out that…that is a common beginning to a Criminal Minds episode.

I guess I should consider myself lucky to be alive…I sooooo wanted to make a joke about hookers in the truck but somehow I felt he might not think it’s a joke…he might think we’re kindred spirits.

 

Foot Massage…

So someone gave me a gift certificate to get a foot massage…knowing I HATE FUCKING FEET.  I think feet are the grossest thing ever (except for baby feet, those are ridiculously cute).  But once they turn into adult feet, YUCK!

I decide to use this thing and it’s the fucking strangest thing EVER.  I walk into this place, the gay guy in charge was RED faced and sweaty…maybe on meth or E?  He was ridiculously happy…like over the top ridiculous happy.  He is soooo excited to have a customer there.

He shows me to the “massage area”…it is totally fucking creepy and nothing like I expected.  It’s a fucking dark room, filled with humans…like fifty of them…all sitting in towels getting their feet fondled and whatever else (i couldn’t really see what was going on with the others but there was a lot of giggling).

The whole thing was uncomfortable and weird.  I don’t like people touching my feet or ME for that matter…especially fucking strangers.  I don’t even get pedicure because I feel bad for the people working there, having to touch everyone’s nasty feet.

My feet aren’t even that bad…they might even be considered acceptable by most people’s standards but I don’t care if I have the nicest feet in the world…I wouldn’t subject FEET on anyone…

I got a pedicure once and actually did my own pedicure before I went so the lady wouldn’t be disgusted by the mere act of unkept feet.  

Anyways,  if I ever get another feet anything gift certificate..I’m putting it on ebay…no feet shit for me anymore.  

In closing, another disturbing trend on the internet is woman (usually white, 40′s or older) posting pictures of their ugly ass sausage toed feet in sandals or on the beach or whatever.  PUKE.  It someone does that, I immediately delete them as friends.  Don’t subject the human race to your gross old lady feet.  Thank you in advance.

Auto Correct is ruining me!

It’s true…It’s making me type all this weird shit to people who in turn think I’m an insane person.  Earlier in the week, I informed someone I was making my daughter “DRUG RICE”…which was supposed to be FRIED RICE.  I’m not making drugs, I swear.

I also texted a friends husband asking him if he wanted to have a LAY?  Which was supposed to be PLAY DATE.  I’ve not heard from them.  Now I’m a home wrecker cuz my kid wanted to play with their kid.  Egads.

I told someone I bought my daughters shoes from the Mickey MANBOOB store…I ate a UTERUS burger for lunch and apparently I’m going by HOBBS now.  I typed to someone randomly MY NAME IS HOBBS.  WHAT?

Seriously, my phone is turning me into a friendless, sick pervert named HOBBS…I can’t stop it.  AUTO CORRECT is the devil.  I don’t like Siri either…

 

What Easter means to me…

REESES PEANUT BUTTER EGGS…I love those stupid things and I look forward to their appearance each and every year at various Rite-Aids and 711′s.  I buy them like crazy for a month before Easter and eat them almost eveyday until the beloved holiday passes.

I also like to indulge on those marshmallow egg things.  Why can’t we have these candies year round?  Anyways, tomorrow will be my last day to eat my daily two Peanut butter egg things and it will be a very sad day indeed when it’s over.

I mourn the absence of my favorite candy gracing the shelves of various convenience stores all over the city.

When Modern Technology becomes creepy…

I’m a huge fan of modern technology and I’m elated that we have such things but sometimes there comes a point and time when it gets to be over the top creepy.  Let me explain…

I work with this really weird dude who got himself a mail order bride…she’s in Thailand.  She forces him to SKYPE at all times so she can see what he’s doing and make sure he’s not talking or looking at any GIRLS.  (She is still in Thailand finishing up paperwork to come over and live happily ever after in a skypless world with this freak).

First off, this guy is a short, fat, bald…fifty-something…I hate to say it, but the chicks aren’t exactly clamoring to him.  But this chick (mail order bride) thinks he’s some sort of Hugh Hefner, with hot young girls frollicking all over him.

One day I’m at work minding my own business…and I walk by a computer screen with a forty-something year old woman putting on her goddamn pajamas.  I do a double take and ask any co-workers looming around the area.  ”Is there a woman in bed staring at us?”  Does anyone else think this is pretty fucking odd?

A few people nod in agreement.  Then a few minutes later, I see her brushing her hair and staring at me.  I wave.  Then I gather up some more employees and ask them if they want to flash her with me.

Anyways, according to this dude…THAT IS FUCKING LOVE.  Not crazy ass psychotic behavior.  Apparently, she makes him have the webcam on his bed at night so she can watch him sleep.

So that is totally freaking weird but how about FOURSQUARE?  I like to call it “stalker tool”…people constantly updating where they are at, you know…in case there are any stalkers out there who need help finding you.  Or any rapists looking for easy victims.

I actually joined Foursquare and only put locations I was NOT at that I thought would be funny to check into…also to make my four square friends think I’m a total social deviant.  Places like the LA county jail, the morgue, various cemeteries around town…you get the jist.

I guess modern technology makes nothing a secret anymore…(unless you use fake names on all your profiles like I do).

 

 

I Found a Great New Read…

I bet you were thinking I was going to say “Hunger Games”…NOPE.  Not even close.  I thought the book was boring and predictable and the grammar issues annoyed me.  And I didn’t like the main characters and I hate killing animals.  So there.  I’m the one person in America who thought it was way overrated and not written very well.  Too much authorial laziness for me.  Sorry folks.

But if you do want to read something completely enthralling…JAIL REPORT WEST!  (there are also Jail Reports in other parts of the country too)  Google it for your area.

I first want to say, I’m in no way affiliated with this newspaper but I saw it at a gas station and the draw was…FIND OUT IF YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN ARRESTED!  I thought, a fair amount of my neighbors have probably been arrested and I’d love to know whose house to walk by and laugh and point.

So I buy it.  It was well worth the one dollar it cost.  Most of the criminals were arrested for drugs…some of them are ridiculously happy and even more of them are dressed up.  Imagine that, getting all fancied up to go commit crimes, I guess you never know when your picture will be snapped.

They even have fun facts about the average person having 12 pubic hairs in their food (if you eat fast food)…per year.  Maybe we could just eat our handful at the begining of the year and call it even?

Anyways, this is a monthly publication and you’d be absolutely shocked at all the people arrested in a months time.  It’s fascinating.  I didn’t find anyone I knew…which was a relief.  Some of them looked like people I’ve seen on the subway or the metrolink.

My favorite criminal of this particular issues was the guy who got beaten with a Justin Bieber doll because his girlfriend wouldn’t change her facebook status to “In a relationship”…Her boyfriend got mad and she beat him with a Biebs doll.  I’m kind of wondering why a  thirty-seven year old woman was clutching a Bieber doll…

I know it’s inspired me to go out and buy one for protection.  Anyone comes near me and I’ll shout, the Biebs will get you if you don’t leave me alone.  THE BIEBS…I think if I saw a grown woman walking around with a Justin Bieber doll, I’d not mess with her…for many different reasons.

 

Who knew Pre-School was such a racket?

I have a two year old…She’s going to be three in September.  I guess it’s preschool time.  We have friends who would joke about “You have to get her on a waiting list before she’s born.  We laughed and guffawed at them.   What a bunch of fucking nuts.  Uptight white people…

So now, (maybe I did wait a tad bit too long)…I’m still looking.  Ya know, a good solid four or five months before and wouldn’t you know it…some of these freakin’ places have a THREE YEAR WAITING list.  Not only that, but they cost like 1200 dollars a month.  WTF?   To basically sit around and play with a bunch of other kids?  Really?

I’m starting to think the entire city of LA and NYC have been suckered into paying outrageous tuition fees on a three year old and their “socialization” skills.  My child really needs no help whatsoever in that department…she’s the most outgoing kid everywhere we go…I mean, she’ll chat it up with gang members on the subway.  She’ll ask them if they know Jessie and Woody and Buzz Lightyear…She also tells them she likes their tattoos.

She knows her colors, can count and knows her ABC’s…I mean, what more can they possibly be learning at that age?  Alogrithms?  Quantum physics?  I’m confused.

I know people that send their kids to these expensive places and they RAVE about how great it is that their kids are learning about volcanic ash.  Um,  okay…

Then I start to think, I never went to any pre -school and I’m fine.  If it’s just really all about socialization…my instinct is to skip it and save my thousands of dollars on college for her.  It seems logical to me.

I don’t think this ridiculousness goes on in other states…the waiting list and the crazy tuition.  I guess I’d rather save the ten thousand  and buy a gold studded grill.  Maybe I’ll get Piper (my two year old) a grill too…We’ll have matching bling and then we’ll sit outside these expensive preschool and scoff at them.