Meet Quitman…

So fortunately I’m moving out of my building just in the nick of time.   There appears to be a slew of freaks swarming into the joint.  As much as I love the freaks, I’ll have to seek out my freakdomness in a new part of town.

There is  guy who just moved in (who I’m sorry I won’t get to be more acquainted with) named Quitman.  He tells the story about how his mama didn’t want any more kids and used to say to his Daddy; “Quit man”…so when she got knocked up; they named the kid “Quitman”…hence, the eccentric fellow who lives in my building.

Quitman is a tall skinny black man with gold teeth.  He’s quite jovial and very happy, about age 50-ish.  Very chatty Cathy and almost luminious.  He does fancy the illicit substances and toothless hookers but that is all part of being plagued with the name Quitman.

A couple of Quitmanisms I’ve learned; once you let a hooker know where you live…it’s really really hard to get rid of them.  I saw Ol Quitman trying to get rid of her and it was hard; note to self…never bring a toothless  60 year old hooker with a receding hairline and a nasty meth addiction home to your living abode!  Once they’ve had a taste of the good life in a studio apartment and running water, they ain’t leaving…hell to the no Quitman.  Didn’t yo momma teach you nothing?

Now poor Quitman is not exactly a ladies man so it’s not like he’s got his pick of the crop but sometimes there is a pay-off when it comes to certain favors (like letting hookers come into your home)…What the hell do you think hourly hotels are for Quitman?  WTF? 

My last question plaguing me in regards to Quitman is; was he ever wrongfully accused of rape?   Perhaps in his younger days when toothless hookers weren’t his only option?  He’s getting it on with a lady and he’s not sure if she is asking him to stop or if she is so enamored with him that she’s shouting his name out…he goes with the later and then all of the sudden he’s a registered sex offender. 

The last thing I shall leave you with; does he perhaps have an older brother named Getbusyman?   

 

 

Michele Bachmann wants everyone to “slash their wrists”…

Ready, set...SLASH!!

and become blood brothers in order to protest affordable health care.  Yes let’s do it!  Michele, you go first,  then how about those nutty town hallers and then the gun toters…

While we are on the subject, public option means exactly that; YOU HAVE THE OPTION.  Who are all these idiots who think you have to have the government option as your health plan (not that you even get that much say so with your  work health insurance either)…But 70 percent of people say they “dont understand the health care plan”…WHAT???***

If you took the time to read it; you’d see there are no death panels or evil plots to kill women with breast cancer and grandma.  And btw, most of the people bitching about the public option are the poor ignorant people that need the public option.  The public option is the whole point of health care reform (also lowering premiums) but making sure the 50 million people with no health care have coverage…everyone else will still have coverage too….Jeez!

If we don’t pass it; then the 50 million people just remain uninsured which kind of defeats the whole purpose.  Also, medi-care is governement run for all those consvos and idiots at the town halls who are bitching about it and you should be happy they are around or your old ass would be dead.

Also, I know from personal experience that you get to choose which doctor and what hospital you want with medi-care so people need to stop commenting on stuff they know nothing about.

Also, with the reform…more people will be able to afford health care coverage and the public option will only be a tiny sliver of people using it.

Now back to the slitting wrists…you go first Michele and okay, I get it; you want no public option…so when you are bleeding to death along with your idiot followers; we will make sure the medical facilities do not treat you unless they plan on charging you an outlandish amount of money or maybe even an arm…(preferrablly the one with the slashed wrist)…

*** If you don’t understand the health plan; please take the time to read http://docs.house.gov/edlabor/AAHCA-BillText-071409.pdf

Death Panels…

Come join me on the dark side...Go Death Panels!

I would love to know how to get on one of these “alleged” death panels.  I’m an avid supporter of them as well.  If you have an IQ under 100; the death panel decides if you are a fruitful member of the  community and I’m telling you…get me on one of those death panels and I’m going to be strict.

While we are at it with all the death panel busness; let’s take it a step further…how about neuturing people that may not be good candidates for procreation?  Give them a mental stability test, financial report, family history, personality test…etc…and then decided whether to snip snip or not.  Or maybe just give vasectomies to all males at age 16, ah hell; let’s make it 13 to be safe…then when they get older; they can decide to reverse if they decide they want kids. 

I don’t know why I’m not in charge of health care…we cut down on humans being produced and we’ll have more money for the others.  We get rid of the low IQ’s, rapists, child molesters, republicans, rednecks, nascar fans, meth heads, kkk members, religious zealots, and the Duggers.  We’ll be  good then…less traffic on the street, less carbon footprints ruining the environment (I blame the Duggers and all those stupid TLC families with shows personally,  for ruining the environment with their abundance of carbon footprints).

I better get going now; I have a lot of letters to write to the President and I need to revamp my resume for one of those death panel gigs.

The After-Birthers…

If you’ve been following all this birther business, you may have heard of a new group gaining momentum in the movement as well.  It’s called the after-birthers.  This is a group of people who are demanding to see Obama’s after-birth to prove that he is indeed a human being born on this planet.

The after-birthers spokesperson is a doctor, basket-weaver, proctologist, glue sniffer, and ditch digger from Angola.

Obama appeals to Blue collar Americans by having a beer with Gates and Crowley…

Keg stands for all!!

Aw jeez…really?  Why not just throw in a little blackin  tar heroin and dirty needles to appeal to even more!!  And also, if you are looking to win over the red states with this grand gesture, how about meth and paint huffing?

I wish Obama would just say what he said and leave it at that?  Why should he have to keep apologizing for his opinion?  The po-po was a bunch of dicks and took Prof. Gates out of his own living abode after being shown proof he lived there.  They did it to be cock-suckers and as a power play.  Cops are pricks…that is the bottom line. 

I can’t tell you how many people in LA I know that have been wrongfully arrested and fucked with cuz the over-zealous cops want to convict someone or believe they are guilty of something based only on appearance.  I, myself has been a victim of this; wrongfully arrested and chased on the freeway, having no idea why.  Then they put you through hell and turmoil and then later release you on no charges after realizing you have a clean record.  They show no remorse and you can’t even sue cuz the cops all lie for each other.

I have witnessed and know many people this has happened to…a friend of a friend was leaving Wal-mart of all places and got into her car.  The car in front of her was some sort of police stake out for meth and they accidentally mistook her for the criminal and arrested her at gunpont and took her into the cop shop.  Only later to find out she was merely shopping for toiletries.  Did they apologize?  NO…

So back to the White House kegger, does prof. Gates even like beer?  How come no one is talking about the fact that Crowley is a poor white trash folk and Gates is an elite wealthy professor.  Has the class issue escaped everyone?  Is Crowley pissed cuz he’s white and poor, while all the  brown brothers prosper?  Discuss…

Competitive Hot Dog eating is now a sport…?

I got your Hot dog right here Kobayashi...

according to Fox Sports, it is.  Huh, then most of  Americans are athletes I guess…using their jowl muscles extensively while chewing those ding dongs and twinkies and hot dogs.  Who Knew?

Joey Chestnut defends his beloved weiner eating championship by beating the Japanese guy who usually wins.  Joey = 68  Japanese guy = 64

Has anyone else out there taken notice that the food eating winners are always fairly slender folks?  They are never over-weight.  Maybe they oughta write a diet book when they aren’t able to hang onto their title. (hint hint Japanese guy)   Take this food compeition thing to the next level.

Do they save up and then go nuts on the 4th of july…starving themselves for months?   I would go with bulimia but there are too many on lookers to get away with that during the competition.

Do you also think Fox Sports sent out some announcers to cover the event in a play by play fashion?  Did they draw squiggly lines on their instant replay projector things, in case we missed anything?

Furries Convention…

Looking for some good lovin'...any takers?

Damn, you missed it again.  It happened in Pittsburgh over the weekend, I can’t believe they carried on, in the helm of turmoil over all the celebrity deaths.  However, furries need love too;  pun intended! 

The furry community wants people to be more accepting of their love for furry fake stuffed animals.  There is currently 3800 avid furry lovers populating the USA, and if you live in PA…you may have gotten lucky enough to catch a glimpse of them.

The news teams there were asking the furry fanatics about the convention and no one would comment.  How fair weather furried is that?  You can profess your love to your stuffed animal among 3800 others but not even to one news anchor.  You just forsake your stuffed animal that easily?  How do you think that makes such an inanimate object feel?

Laker Victory = Lots of Random Gunfire

Kobe sending secret signals...shoot people if we win...thanks!

Why is it in Los Angeles, whenever someone wins something; everyone decides to shoot off their illegal firearms?  Yesterday was no exception to the rule; Lakers win and people say; “Hey, grab the AK47, let’s shoot some mother fuckers”…or hey, let’s go beat some asses and set some cars on fire!

Jubilee really brings out the worst in Los Angelinos.  I think there is some sort of emotion mix-up in the brain.  Last weekend; El Salvadore won the socceer championship and like clockwork; people start doing random drive by shootings.  I don’t understand, we won; let’s kill someone to prove how happy we are.  Also, “we” didn’t win, the team did…you watched. Maybe they feel like they are participating in the victory if they do something like shooting people or vandalizing cars.

Hence, last night after the Lakers win…more gunfire and even more at 4am in the morning…right below my window.  These people aren’t even doing drive bys; it’s a walk by shootings.  How ballsy do you have to be to do a walk by shooting?  (three times)…My car got jacked by I want to show people how happy I am with the Laker win so damn it; I’ll walk and shoot my glock. 

I had a really good day…I have to go shoot off my k9mm to prove to the world that I’m gleeful.

Octomom, The Musical

Brace yourselves for Octomom The Musical.  Yes first the reality show and now the musical.  Next there will be action figures; eight of them…no wait, nine counting the breeder who concocted the anomaly!

I’m not sure quite what to expect of this theatrical masterpiece; but I’m so going.  I’m secretly hoping there is dancing test tubes and frollicking petri dishes. 

I also heard rumors that its a follow-up to Spermalot. 

They do advertise “flying babies” on the flyer which could be fun.  The show opens July 18 and  you can buy tix at octotix.com.

Cheek beards and puppy dog tails…

Okay, so the puppy dog tails aren’t relavent at all but I wanted a cutesy title for this article.

So I live in a strange neighborhood whereupon; you see characters you’d never see in a nice normal part of the filthy city.  And when you explain to seemingly “normal” (or rather people who don’t navigate the freakdom of society); they don’t understand or believe you.  And you can’t really take a picture cuz that’s weird and if they have some weird oddity; it’s kind of obvious you have an interest in their strange oddity to mock or conversate about with others.  (all of which are somewhat uncomfortable…especially if you’re not sure the person is away of their strange ailment).

Okay, let’s cut to the chase…about three years ago; (right after my car got stolen; *tear*)…I was on the subway going from North Hollywood to downtown LA.  I see a man on there who looks oddly famliar, a tall man…eureka; he lives in my building…oh great, now I can make him walk me home in my scary neighborhood. 

I head over and say hello…he seems pleasantly surprised that anyone has struck up a conversation with him.  We chat it up…he is a little off but nice enough.  I don’t get a rapist vibe or anything off him.

I do however, notice this oddity that I’ve not even previously seen on another human.  He has a patch of hair on his cheek..everything else is shaved but this weird patch of hair on his left cheek.  Not like; Oops, I missed a spot shaving (although at the time; I dismissed it as such…)…it was long cheek beard* hairs in a random spot on his cheek and no other facial hair.

So months go by and I don’t spend too much time thinking about ol cheek beard*, just the casual hello in the hallway or on the streets.  Hello cheek beard*, nice to see your up keeping that strange patch of hair on your cheek…Have a nice day.

More time passes; then one day I’m sitting outside at a restaurant with a few other folks having a happy hour snack and ol cheek beard comes sauntering on up…(he totally creepy saunters and loitters and walks real slow until you say hello)…   

Hi Cheek beard, these are my friends…wow that cheek beard is really growing…well, goodbye now.  He sulks around waiting for a proper goodbye and then trapses away (he does a lot of hunched over trapsing as well…as any creepy person does)…

The patrons I was fellowshipping with notice the CHEEK BEARD…ALAS!  Finally, someone notices this weird oddity I’ve known about all along.  Except now cheek beard has two cheek beards on each cheek…and they are LONG…like he’s been fostering their growth.

Of course; you can’t exactly ask cheek beard about his beards cuz that would be odd.  So now other people know about cheek beard and  are aware it’s not a figment of my imagination.  Someone even went as far to call it eye beard (it’s just enough below the eye to go either way).

These buddies deduct that goatees haven’t become cool enough to move onto cheek territory…it’s grown out enough now to not constitute “missing a spot” shaving…and there are speculations made as to whether he owns a razor or a tweezer…(although tweezing a cheek beard is a bit optimistic considering one foul swoop of a razor would pretty much take care of it)…

Then I mention that perhaps he is putting rogaine on those two particular spots on his cheeks…like girls have blush on the apples of their cheeks; cheek beard’s own form of blush? 

Then my last philosophy pertaining to the cheek beard is that; perhaps he is doing a vast sociology experiment using his cheek beard as the specimen of study. 

I have seriously googled this weird cheek beard phenomena and there is nothing…I wanted to take a pic but that would be too akward to ask him to pose for a pic with his cheek beard in tact. 

Maybe he’s just way ahead of his time and in a thousand years; cheek beards will be all the rage…

* Cheek Beard = a random patch of hair just under the eye on the apple of the cheek…not normally a place where beard hair is grown.