Pray for the Fresh Prince…

 

://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZUB0kLLBUA

Check out this link…It’s a guy called Mudkipz who writes letters to this talk god show…very very funny stuff!

Nacho-gate…

Don't get the nachos...unless you like frozen cheese.

There is a Mexican joint down the street from me called Michoacan.  They have a hard time melting cheese on freaking nachos…I’m telling you, it is virtually impossible for these people to make an order of nachos.  A three year old could make nachos how I eat them…melted cheese (monterey jack) and guacamole.  That’s it!  (I know, white trash but sometimes I have to indulge myself since I eat healthy 90 percent of the time)…

So we got chips, melted cheese and guacamole.  Easy right?  Apparently not…there is a vast nacho conspiracy going on at Michoacan.  When I was preggo, they kept insisting on putting that really disgusting yellow melty processsed nasty ass cheese whiz shit on my nachos and that stuff is no bueno.  Super nasty gross.   So now I say, Monterey Jack…you know, white cheese…no cheez whiz, yellow/orange crap.  Please.

My boyfriend goes a few weeks ago and explains the white cheese and guacamole..that’s it.  So he comes back with white cheese but it is frozen and  not melted at all…WTF?  Who puts frozen cheese on chips and charges someone 7 dollars? 

I decide to go this time and explain in explicit detail about my specialized nachos.  (On a sidebar)…Benitos in Santa Monica always made my goddamn nachos right….melted fucking cheese with guacamole…it’s not that odd a request.  I miss Benitos…and the one closest to me in Hollywood closed down, damn conspiracy…I wonder where the Benitos trannies hang out now, by the way.  It’s a wing stop now and somehow I don’t think it’s as cool to be a trannie and hang out at a wing stop…   

I digress, I explain in vivid detail about the monterey jack MELTED mutha fucking cheese.  The guy says, yes melted cheese…and GUACAMOLE.  That’s it….and we are square and I”ll give you your ridiculous 7 dollars for something I could’ve bought at the grocery store for 3 dollars, but I’m too damn lazy to make the guac (well that isn’t true either, I was just downtrodden because my  earlier foray into guacamole making was foiled by a renegade sea salt can whose top decided to fall off thus ruining my guacamole…) 

The guy  nods yes and is pleasant. I wait patiently for my simple order.  When it arrives, I open the box hoping to not see frozen unmelted cheese on top and guess what?  Frozen ass unmelted cheese and MEAT and beans…yuck!  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I’m an unhappy customer.  I say Please just give me chips and cheese and guac…

So the guy grabs my destroyed nachos and slops on (after asking me and I said NO numerous times)…that yellow runny cheez whiz crap…more MEAT (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and half a tub of sour cream and guacamole and THROWS the concoction at me.  I open the container (and normally I don’t complain about shit but this was over the top)…and slop is oozing out everywhere…it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever laid eyes on (well right up there with an oozing boil on a man’s foot I saw on the train…but a close second after that unsightly deformation)…

I exclaim (because you have to exclaim shit when you are pisst)  What the hell is this?  I asked for chips, melted cheese and guacamole?  And then another guy says to me; You get that, now go away.  I reply “NO, I ordered chips and cheese and guacamole and I’m standing here all night until I get my fucking order”  Then the dude starts swearing in Spanish…hey retard, I know you are calling me a bitch whore you pinche calbron puta pijuha….Now I’m a loose woman for ordering nachos in a very uncomplicated way?  Jeez, rough standards.

I stand and stand and stand…a few gang bangers acknowledge my nacho plight and have had the same frozen cheese tossed haphazardly on their nachos and they feel my aggrevation…and  another lady concurs.  We have a melted cheese brigade going on.

Finally, the cook comes over and axed me what was wrong…I explain the whole chips and cheese and guac thing and he takes the slop and tosses it in the trash and concocts something somewhat similar to what I ordered (but not exactly)…

He literally made the first slop minus the beans and threw it in the microwave (with the guacamole on it and sour cream) …so it was this weird sour cream/guacamole soup with soggy chips floating around in carne asada.  So I look at it in a defeated manner and decide to just take it home and feed it to my dog…(he loved it too if his opinion counts to anyone)

My boyfriend even called the manager and asked him why chips with melted cheese is so hard to make and the guy was drunk and told him to call back Monday morning at 10:30am.  I guess he’s hoping to be sober by than?  So my quest for chips with melted cheese and guacamole (that I don’t have to make) is still on.

Celebrity rehab (using the term celebrity fairly loosely)…

A PSA to stay away from drugs and plastic surgery...

I can’t remember if I’ve posted about this before so forgive me if I repeat myself.  First of all, celebrities??  Really?  Who  are the celebrities on there?  All I could see was reality show contestants and a pimp (Heidi Fleiss), and a coupla washed up folks from the 80’s…The woman who has sex with her father (Mackenzie something or other) and the chunky guy who says he was in Alice in Chains but no one seems to remember him…Some country singer and a basketball player…hmmmmmmmmm…interesting.

So Heidi Fleiss isn’t nearly as interesting as one might have hoped for being a pimp and all.  She just lays around in her bed under a shrine built to her birds…creepy,  The father fucker is pretty boring too…won’t even talk about dear old dad on the show.  The rest of the people are just uninteresting and not worth mentioning.

However the America’s Next Top Model girl…claims to have been molested.  Do you ever notice how everyone “all of the sudden” remembers they were molested when they are on a TV show?  Funny how that happens.

Last mentionable tidbit…Seizmore comes on the show (primarily for the money I’m sure so he can buy more crack rocks) and when he eventually (he goes on a side trip to Pink Dot and an alley to smoke crack…whatev)…he acts “shocked” that there are cameras around.  Dude, you signed a release form to be on TV and you are GETTING PAID to be on the show.  Jeez, if you can’t act on a reality show, how can you expect to get legitimate acting jobs. oy

Oh yeah, Heidi Fleiss’ first comment upon entering the rehab facility…”Is this real”  Well Heidi, is the paycheck you are getting for doing the show real?  Do you care? 

All these idiots just go on for money and to be publicity whores. I don’t even think the Real World guy and the ANTM chick even have problems.  They need to make rent and need tape for their acting reels, that’s it.

And then AIC guy acting like he “hates” the cameras…dude, You knew it was a REALITY SHOW…how do you think they transmit the picture to those tiny boxes in living rooms across America?

Okay, that is it.  Hopefully something interesting will happen so I have something to blog about. The chick having the seizure was lame too, she was sooooo faking it…and I think she was married to Dean Cain for five seconds…funny they don’t mention that at all…He probably has a lawyer that will sue her for ever mentioning any sort of affiliation with him. (who could blame him?)

MSN.com headline reads: On the Hunt for Cocaine Subs…

Would you like your cocaine on the side or in the sandwich?

 This obviously must be the new Jarod subway sandwich!  Great for weight loss and also stellar to use if you need to stay up late studying. 

Try the new cocaine sub at your nearest Subway location today! 

Disclaimer:  Dry mouth, excessive talking, eye twitching, runny nose and deviated septum can occur.  Subway will not be held responsible.

More insane facebook status’…

  I must preface this entire blog by saying that this person is not really a “friend” per say…just cuz you are my facebook friend does not mean I am your real life friend or even like you…some people I keep as friends to keep tabs on their train-wreck existence and use it to build up my self-esteem…like “whoa, I’m no where near as nuts as they are”…so I use certain facebook friends as a way to gauge my sanity, if you will.

This person falls into that catagory…Actual facebook status update below… 

I really love God. His love for us is so fierce and personal and tender and violent. He really spares nothing to restore a lost, independant heart…not even the deep, deep pain of pursuing lesser lovers.

WHAT THE FUCK??? 

God’s love is violent?  Does he punch you in the face after sex?  I’m confused?  And god is fierce now?  What is he, on America’s Next Top Model.  Oh god, you so fierce gurl…

And then the last part makes absolutely no sense about pursuing “lesser lovers”…So are you in love with a heroin addict, prostitute, some sort of unsavory human that god wouldn’t approve of?      

On another sidebar, her update today was  “Crazy Chicks Chasing Christ”…so we have some insane nutjobs chasing a christ that they really really love and want to have a passionate relationship with?   (another one of her updates talked about all the passionate love betwix her and god…I’m personaly waiting for the update to say; “masturbating for jesus”…)  See why I keep her as a friend…

Analyzing status updates…

I can no longer keep quiet in regards to some of the ridiculous status updates I’m forced to read on facebook and twitter.  The ridiculous self-absorption and self-righteous idiocy is a little too much to take.

I’m going to just do a couple a day until I get this out of my system.  I swear I keep some of these people as friends to watch the continuing train wreck of their status updates and desperate cries for strangers to approve of them.

(If I use your status update as an example, I deeply apologize but it’s your own fault for posting douchey updates and now take heed and fucking STOP)…This is an actual status update from someone and the replies (and then my translation)

I'm a lotta woman. LOL, LMAO, <3

“So and So” is not for everyone.  Clinical tests show she may cause nausea, fatigue, kidney and liver failure.  Ask your doctor if she is right for you.

Translation; “Hi, I’m dangerous and edgy and I’m begging for you to tell me something that validates me and I’m also trying desperately for you to think I’m self-deprecating and I’m trying to be witty and funny at the same time…and I love myself and you should too…cuz I’m dangerus and can fucking kill you)  Now please reply…please?

Now some of the replies;  (mind you, these are all creepy dudes replying)

Creepy dude #1; WOW baby, I’ll take a chance.  Translation: I’m a lonely loser who hasn’t talked or touched a women in a decade.

So and So: Okay, take a chance then.  Translation: I’m just going to repeat what you said so maybe you’ll post something again about how hot I am.

Creepy #2: One can dream   Translation; “I’ve been dreaming about a woman talking to me for years now”.

So and So:  I’m dreaming. LOL   Translation; You are depleting my creative enegry so I’ll just repeat what you said.

Creepy #3: LOL, a beautiful women is worth it.  Translation; “will you have sex with me if I tell you that you’re pretty, even though this is the internet and I really don’t know what you look like cuz your pic is completely photoshopped and doesn’t look a damn thing like you.

So and So:  Aw thanks, you know it.  Translation; “I will totally have sex with you, virtually”.

Creepy #2: Just a pinch of her and  you’ll be hallucinating.  LOL  Tranlation; “Wow, I’m so witty, she will defo drop her panties after reading this but I better add LOL so she doesn’t think I’m being an asshole.”  

Creepy #3: I’d like like an overdose.  LMAO…SWEET  Translation: “I’m still really lonely and and I want you to know that I’m laughing my ass off because of your “crazy” post”

Creepy #1: Too much of a good thing…luv ya girl, long time baby. Translation; “Hey, I’m still here and who are these other two assholes posting to you,  if you’ll have sex with me, I’ll let them watch.” 

So and So:  Luv u long time too, I crack myself up.  LOL Translation: ”I’m going to reference a 2LiveCrew song from 1991 to show how hip and cool I am…and then let people know that I think I’m funny too and just so no one misses the part where I’m funny, I’ll end it with LOL”   

Creepy #2: Do I need a prescription?  Translation; “Am I gonna get any VD’s from you if we sleep together?”

So and So:  Not for you!  LOL  Translation; “yes“

Creepy #3: Are you available over the counter.  LOL  Translation: If I do get a VD, is gonna be a serious one like AIDS or just Crabs because it makes a difference…another LOL so you realize I’m serious but if you are thinking I’m a dick, it’s just a joke…LOL.  

So and So: ha ha  Translation; “I’m tired of using LOL and want to show these guys how versatile I am by using Ha ha ha…

So and So:  Too funny.  Translation; Just in case they missed the LOL and the Ha ha ha post directly above this, I want them to know I find all of these replies very funny.

Amping up security measures at airports…

HANG ON AIRPORT TRAVELER, I'M WINNING AT SOLITAIRE!

since the underwear bomber tried to foil our air transit system.  Just a quick sidebar here, the shoe bomber prompted the airlines to force us to take our shoes off, so now in the helm of the underwear bomber; are we gonna have to take off our underwear?

All this talk about full body security scanners, body cavity searches, profiling, etc…How about taking goddamn solitaire and minesweep of the TSA’s computers??? 

Ironic too that they enjoy playing minesweep via computer…why not play the real version AT THEIR JOBS doing airport security??

Pantless Subway Riders…

It happened this past week all over the world.  The big PANTLESS SUBWAY RIDE…whereupon; people just rode on the subway with no pants.  Now you might be asking yourself (much like I did)…what is the cause?  Combating sweat shop workers, aids, world hunger, a crippling disease?

Nope, none of the above.  Pantless subway riding is something that was just started for the hell of it; albeit by a coupla flashers who were sick and tired of getting arrested and wanted to blend in for at least one day.  And eureka, tons of people started to follow them and their dream came to fruition.

The actual reason (they claim, not sure who “they” is exactly here) is to bring joy and chaos to the public transit.  I don’t know about you…but in LA (esp. the red line) there is chaos everyday betwix the pole dancing trannies, flashers, and homeless hookers…and as far as “joy” is concerned…I saw some of the pics, hairy white skin blemish man is not bringing anyone any joy by going pantless on the subway.

CNN news anchor wants to eat humans???

The other day (well, actually last weekend), I was watching CNN just to be awe-inspired by their idiocy and lack of actual journalistic skills. 

They were doing a story on High School kids “snitching” on each other.  How they feel like their fellow students won’t like them if they snitch on them for various activities like “cheating on a test”, beating up another student, sodomy (yup  thats right…these kids said they wouldn’t tell on a student who was raping and sodomizing another student cuz they were afriad the rapist wouldn’t like them..WTF???? )  

Dialogue; “Hey guys, you know the new guy in class….yea, the one who rapes?  Yeah, he’s really cute.  I saw him sodomizing Katie in the hallway.  Oh no. I’d never tell the teachers cuz then he might think Im a tattle -tale and that would ruin my chances of dating him…yeah, I know….he’s cute.  Raping isn’t nice but everyone has their faults, ya know? 

I digress….so the snitching story and another story about using less toilet paper, then another about teaching you how to hammer a nail (in case you are completely brain dead and can’t figure it out on your own, thank god they are there to inform us)

Last of all, they do this segment whereupon, they make fun of someone around the world (they call it “moment of zen” or something gay like that).  They cut to a news anchor in Hawaii who is portly, short and balding wearing a bad hawaiian shirt.  He is interviewing some surfers and ppl in the background are smiling and waving.  (like a small town news anchor type thing)

So you as a viewer thinks the “moment” we are looking for is all the ridiculous waving people behind him trying desperately to get on TV…NOPE.  The news anchor says; “We should put that guy on a spit”…HUH????  So because he is a chubby guy we should cook him up and EAT him?  REALLY?  That is our moment of ZEN? 

We are hungry so let’s eat a fat news anchor from a village in Hawaii or does he mean, we should cook him and then send him to starving children in third world countries.  I’m confused.   I had no idea that eating humans was becoming so acceptable and that we should just all eat the fat ones.  CNN really teaches you a lot about life…in fact, I think their moment of zen just solved world hunger.  We eat the fat news anchors around the country!!

Kate Gosselin’s She-mullet…

Bringing back the mullet...

The hair before was scary enough but now with the she-mullet?  Oy Vey!  I mean it was the reverse mullet with short in back and long in front and now it’s a REAL mullet.  Reports say she spent somewhere around 7 thousand for those bad extensions. 

I know a lady in Compton named Auntie Abbey who could’ve done a better job for 100 dollars and some fish fry. 

At least now when she goes to the Nascar races, she’ll fit right in!