Lars and the Real Girl…(or not so real)

The Oscars happened…blah, who cares…the only one I was really keeping an eye on was Bianca the Blow up doll from Lars and the real girl.  I have to say; she was the most convincing actress out of all of them but all those Oscar snobs refused to acknowledge her because she’s an inanimate object.  I find this highly offensive.

I was totally convinced that she was a blow up doll in the movie…even though there may have been a slight bit of type-casting involved. 

On a sidebar; I wish those Oscar weirdos would’ve focused the camera on her face too; every time she was snubbed…the same blank stare…you know, like all the other actresses…void of the fake smiles…Bianca isn’t a faker poser…she ain’t gonna smile if she loses; she is still going to look somber.  I respect that…no putting on airs for that gal.

I also have mad props for Bianca the blow up doll too because she doens’t need those ego-stroking Oscar people to validate her existence; she knows she is a valid, viable piece of plastic. 

Sidebar time again; The Oscars really are just a huge fancy circle jerk, by the way….all those people kissing each others asses and pretending like they like each other…stroking each others ego (and other parts..but that is saved for after the show)…People get all dressed up and kiss the ass of the designer by repeating their names numerous times…like us regular jo blows at home are gonna run out and buy a million dollar hairclip or a ten thousand dollar dress from Roberto Cavali…you bet…thanks for the fashion tips.

Then after that; people gather on a carpet and start with the circle jerk and then it culminates on the inside of the Kodak Theatre…It’s the most extravagent, elaborate circle jerk of the year…and I thought those dudes at the metro rail station were crazy…but it all boils down to the fact that everyone is essentailly the same..just some people give the same activites fancy names and wear expensive garmets and others call it like it is and wear…well…nothing.   

Make sure the homeless people are dead befo you call 911; they get pissed!!!

This is a shred of advice I felt was somewhat important to dole out to unsuspecting do-gooders out there in the big bad world….sometimes people move into the hood and don’t understand or quite know how to resonate with the proper protocol regarding the street folk wandering aimlessly.

So let me enlighten and inform you to the proper etiquette reguarding the above-mentioned.

Now if you see a homeless man laying on the ground…DO NOT ASSUME HE IS DEAD….I tell you this to save you from an embarressing encounter with someone who could perhaps be taking a nap and/or breather from life’s downtrodden strong-hold.

I personally know a young lady who performed this misleading “good deed”…she saw a homeless man laying on the ground and just automatically assumed he was dead…without even kicking him in the head a few times or poking him with a giant sharp stick to see if in fact he was napping or merely resting after a long day’s work of holding signs on freeway ramps. 

So the cops show up (cuz there is a pretend dead body clogging up the sidewalks of the oh-so-upscale hood)….can’t have dead bodies getting in the way of tax-paying pedestrians, now can we?  The ambulance shows up too; not just one or two but a gaggle of ambulances…like I guess a gaggle definition by Webster or maybe just his step-cousin would be like ten.  So there is gaggles of authority figures looming around…(which is never good for the hood)….people scatter and disarray ensues. 

The homeless guy then awakes from his deep slumber (he might’ve been having a good dream too…I hate when that happens and some asshole wakes you up)…So he is MAD…downright pissed off.  He gets up screaming about how he was napping and how the hell can he nap with all this ruckus taking place and people clamoring around him.  Get the fuck away from me you freaks, he yells.  First of all; he’s calling us “proverbial” normal people freaks which is in and of itself somewhat ironic and funny…(considering I haven’t decided if there really truely are any normal fucks…maybe just me…I’m all alone…I guess Shirley can be one too since she’ll be reading this…)

So he is hopping mad and the police point out the person who reported the “dead body”…and now the homeless guy knows who his enemies are.  People with cell phones from the ‘burbs.  Goddamn them and their fake naive caring.  The homeless man shreiks “I don’t go to Sherman Oaks and come to your house and report burgularies and domestic violence, do I?”…”No, I don’t think so”…(mostly cuz he doesn’t have the means of transportation to get there but that doens’t make his point very well now does it?)

So after the madness dies down and it’s understood that he is napping and wants to be left alone…I feel it’s important to pass this info along to folks who aren’t schooled and/or well-versed in the lifestyle of the average everyday street person.  You see, they ususally aren’t dead…they are merely napping..just because you have a bed and a roof in which to slumber, does not mean that we all do.  So be a little more tackful and polite when you see others napping and if you are real offended by it and they are clogging up the sidewalks a little too much for your liking; perhaps you could invite them to nap at your humble abode or even in your car. 

Now on the rare occassion that you used my stick poking manuever and/or kicking in the head repeatedly…and there is no reaction.  Then perhaps save everyone a few trips and just call the undertaker…why go through all those middle men with the 911…cops…ambulance…and save the dead body a little embarressment…just go straight to the source and have em taken the fuck away by the guy who is suppose to take them away…

Or if you are so ambitious (which most aren’t)…go ahead and dispose of the dead body yourself and help clean up our fair city.  It’s easy and fun.  You simply take the dead body to the nearest dumpster and plop it in.  Done and you’ve saved lots of people lots of time and energy…and you’ve beautified the city!!  Smile and think about how you’ve done your part and galavant away….if you are really happy; you are also allowed to frollick. 

Don’t abuse frollicking too much though; it’s only to be saved for special occasssions.       

  

Lethal Injection Ban

The Supreme Court is set to vote on whether or not lethal injection is a form of cruel and unusual punishment and whether or not to ban it from their end of life agenda.

The reason this controversy has arisen; is due to the fact that death row prisoners weren’t dying quick enough.  They are forced to endure suffocation and an unequivical torturious death experience.  First of all; how do we know?  Maybe they were all acting, putting on a good death show for the on-lookers.  That is totally what I would do if I was getting offed, or perhaps there was fright that triggered some of the responses; ya know, due to DYING!

How the fuck do we know how it feels to be offed and is there really a nice way to be killed?  

This controversy has forced some Senators to take to the streets.  By streets, I mean the back-alley behind ”Food for Less” (the one where the FO burnt out; so now it reads “OD for less” which is more accurate)  I digress, behind the dumpster next to the back-alley plastic surgeons back-alley office digs.

Yup, that is what is going on.  The mean streets are polluted with back-alley plastic surgeons and Senators giving back-alley lethal injections.  They head over to McCrack Park and gather up all the dirty needles.  If there isn’t enough; no worries; head over to the needles exchange and just muster up all the dirty needles from them.  (like the reverse needle exchange, instead of getting clean needles, you’re getting the dirty ones…no use to waste a clean needle on a pesky death row inmate…save the clean ones for those upstanding junkies that have a few good years left in em)

Then they head back over to the dumpster…grab a cardtable from it; it’s not real sanitary.  In fact, there is blood and mucus and unknown substances litered about.  Oh well, this dude is gonna die anyways…so NOT a time to be prima donna!  They head over to “OD for less”…and buy up all the cleaning products, bleach, comet, rat poison…anything they got that looks lethal and is cheap!  Better if there is a coupon!  Stock up on that shit, we got a lot of killin’ to do.

Alright now the fun begins…back alley lethal injection completed!  Oops, we forgot to give him his last meal…goddamn it, we can’t let this get out to the press; more inhumane treatment.  Damn, and there was a perfectly good dumpster full of food right here and we didn’t utilize it. Jesus Christ, oh well, this is just a dry run anyways….we’ll be more professional with our back-alley lethal injections next time.

And the really nice convenience thing about back-alley lethal injection is; you just toss em in the dumpster when you are done. It’s kind of a one-stop shop.        

Poland’s Tax Resolution

If you have ever found yourself as lucky as myself and owed the government money…you might find it quite upsetting.  It works like this; one year you make nothing; then perhaps you get a job that pays well and all of the sudden the government says; “Hey, why is this loser making money all of the sudden?”…they are a poor uneducated bastard and living on poverty wages last year.  Let’s investigate; hopefully we can accuse them of wrong-doing and if not; we can say they owe us money…win/win you damn suckers…ha!  That is what the government says in secret.

So you get audited and you owe money…super.  Here in the US of A…you can make payments, a lump sum or have your wages garnished.  Superb alternatives.  Let’s take even more of their money so they’ll owe us again next year and the year after and the year after…oh yeah, and then if these suckers go to college and miss a payment of two; guess what?  We get to take their tax return..ha ha again!  You will never escape the IRS; we own you…boo!

This is why I’m considering a move to Poland.  In Poland; if any of these unforeseen circumstances fall upon your lap.  They don’t taunt you and laugh at you and garnish your wages and steal your tax return.  No, you are given the option to donate blood and every time you donate above-mentioned blood; you get 60 dollars knocked off your tax bill.  TOTALLY WORTH IT, RIGHT?

I would be donating blood for a few months straight but somehow I think you would die with that amount of blood being depleted at such a rapid rate…so I think I’d try and use diplomacy and reason with the government.  For instance; see if maybe they would take a kidney or my spleen and then we’ll be square?  If not; I can see if there are other fluids I could dole out as well; damn it I want to pay my damn debt to society.

And Poland apparently allows you to do that…I wonder if you missed a few blood payments though…if they add on late fees; like you to donate more blood than usual or throw in an extra body part; maybe a toe?  Or if you default; do they call you every day and ask about your blood?  Maybe they threaten to send you anthrax in the mail if you don’t pay your damn debt to society (as oppossed to harassing phone calls?)  I’m just trying to figure out how this blood taxes trade off works…if you know anything about it or if there is another country that will take a kidney or spleen…let me know; I’m packing my bags right now as we pontificate. 

shooting up da hood…

So I live in a hood-rat neighborhood…I kinda dig it, it is ecclectic and chalk full of interesting characters looming about.  The only problem I have is; whenever I want “normal” (a relative term) folks over…I spend an exhausting amount of time informing them the hood is “cleaned” up and perfectly safe.

So the last three “suburban normal” folks I had over…the hood-winks always decide to be on their worst behavior.  I don’t know if they are chronicling my visitors or if they are just trying to drive out the yuppy flavor.  It’s hard to say.  

I started noticing this phenomena when my dad visited…I inform him it’s safe despite the MS13 or rather MS XVI! (they really don’t know their Roman Numerals very well which is offensive; you’d think they would take extra care to know the exact number they are permanantly tagging onto buildings)…You don’t want to confuse people unless there is indeed a chapter 16 of the MS’…what do I know?

Anyways, So my dad comes relunctantly to the hood and the first person we see upon arrival is the opera singing transsexual…he is pretty cool with that but directly after the uplifting musical number; we run smack dab into a crack-addicted nut yelling and flayling his arms about.  Then we see some lesbian prison escapees with tear drop tattoos and then a schizophrenic throws stuff from his window; cigerettes and rotten banana peels…upon our arrival.  My dad is trying to be polite and says; everyone is really friendly with their greetings; very interesting way to cordially greet your fellow humans.

I know that he was highly unimpressed though becasue I overheard secret phone conversations to other family members about how scary downtown Los Angeles is and it’s NOT cleaned up at all….and then the grande finale was a homeless man who decided to bestow a golden shower upon my dirty car tire.  My dad thought that was rude; I however, was slightly thankful the guy cleaned my tires…it’s a makeshift car wash and it’s free…who doesn’t love free?

So a week goes by; nothing happens of notoriety in the hood…(or I’m just so oblivious I have no idea what normal is)…like the NWA song quote; “When something happens in south Central LA, nothing happens…it’s just another ****** day”…pretty close to life in my hood. 

Next victim is my buddy Shirley, she left the hood to move to sunny safe Glendale and she really wants to never troll in this hood again…she now shuns the place.  In my charming monologue defending the hood and telling her it’s really cleaned up in six months….she also relunctantly decides to see if that is indeed true…(people have been saying my hood is being “cleaned up” for ten years but it’s not…it’s just feel-good propaganda)

She comes over and the minute she pulls in to park; there is a shoot out…a major shoot out involving oogles of gang members…and she is almost ran off the road and killed by the police…there was 30-40 cops speeding through the hood like crazed lunatics…all of the sudden, ghetto birds looming in the sky…not just one or two like every night…but a lot of them…there was about 200 hundred people gathered about; crime tape strewn about.  She immediately leaves and I’ll really have to pull some sort of doozy to ever get her back here again…

I’d have to tell her Oprah is doing an appearance here to get here back…and then of course; I would just feign that one of the trannsexuals is Oprah…then she’d know I was full of malarcky and probably never talk to me again.  This is my destination…no friends cuz I reside in the hood.  In my defense though; the hood is expensive nowadays…I live alone; all my friends have roomates, husbands, boyfriends…so they split the rent…I have to pay this shit by myself…What’s a nomadic hermit germophobe to do?

That is the excitement for a day already chalk full of excitement but it all got trumped due to the shoot out…otherwise; I would’ve had a blog about some creepy guy on my floor who makes boogie man faces at me whenever I encounter him and then he runs and hides into his apartment.  I can’t decide yet how to decipher these boogie man faces…I initially want to laugh hysterically but I think that isn’t the reaction he is looking for so then I think I should just mace him with no questions asked.  I’m still kicking this one around…        

The Worst Actress on TV is on a REALITY program…Oy Vey!

Television has defo hit a new low.  The worst actress I have seen in a long time…a long time being; about five minutes previous but I digress; is on a REALITY SHOW.  How freaking BAD do you have to be if you can’t even act on a freaking REALITY show….hello?

I say this often that I “accidently” watched something on TV…because I generally shun and can’t stand TV.  The only thing I can really jive with is the cartoon network…not because I have some creepy Peter Pan syndrome, mind you but because the writers are all on acid and you have to dig a little deeper and delve into their insane subconscious.  Everything is double entendres and you have to think a little bit. (not if you are a kid) or maybe I just over-analyze and give those crazy heroin addicted, glue-sniffers more credit than is due. 

However, subject at hand.  “Maybe Baby”…The Brady kid and some America’s Next Top Model reject.  Yes they have a show…apparently everyone does except the opera singing transexual on my block who really truly deserves one.

Anyways, these two idiots are bringing idiocy to a new level.  You have this fat short gross old man who used to be Peter Brady a century or so ago who married some hick from Indiana who was on America’s Next Top Model; a white trash redneck girl who burps and thinks it’s funny.  (also bringing down the bar on humor as well)

I guess they had other seasons of this show?  OY vey!! Even more offensive that people…humans have been subjected to these two morons for more than a single season.  Do they show this reality show in prisons as a form of cruel and unusual punishment?  I’m just asking; for some folks I know over at Gitmo.  (Naked prisoner pyramids are soooo 2005)

She is constantly fake crying over whether to have a kid or fake boobs…like this is a 13 episode long decision?  Are you freaking kidding me?  If it takes you that long to decide betwix some fat tissue in your chesticle or bringing a human being into this world; you have bigger problems and you should probably not waste your time being on a reality TV show…go to therapy…lots and lots and lots of therapy.  But in their defense; they must know that they shouldn’t be on TV or be bring children into this world…especially since they are contemplating it for 13 episodes.  If it takes you that long to decide; the answer is NO…please stop production on the show immediately.  A decision has been made. 

Listen Adrianne; get the damn boobs and strip…that is all you can really do anyways…the fake crying every episode over a hang nail or not getting a 2000 dollar purse is really not a detrimental life-threatening, sobbing event.  No tears are needed cuz some other bitch bought your Gucci purse before you did…or your Lexus ran out of gas or your chesticles are one millimeter in difference.  Really lady?  One chesticle is two millimeters off??  How awful…nevermind the cancer pateints out there…or the third world country kids dying of AIDS…no, it’s official; the world is ending because some washed up hoe has different size chesticles and can’t decide whether or not she should have a baby or bigger chesticles all under the guise that they are different sizes. 

More and more fake crying over the boob thing…boo hooo boo hoo….I feel like she is doing bad acting on purpose…the other thing about this show; is when they start to make out; it is extremely gross…this dude is suffering from athritis and rigormortis…please don’t whip him and make him do strange contortionist moves.  And NO procreating please!  I beg of you…

These two will be divorced before the year is up…(hopfully no offspring will have to be subjected to these two idiots…I will call child services the day it is born if so)…she will go on to star in Golden Shower porn and he will find some other 22 year old trashy girl from Iowa who does a whole lot of fake crying…pay for her to get boobs too and then she will leave him as well…Repeat cycle…Wash, Rinse, repeat…When will people realize the only Brady we really want to see anymore is Florence Henderson…she is the bomb diggity…(I bartended a shindig on her boat once when I was a youngster and she is the shit!!)  Mrs. Brady rocks…She is now a therapist…I wish she’d show up on that stupid Peter Brady reality show and tell them both they are morons and to stop polluting our airwaves…Maybe she could have Alice come over too with Sam the Butchers ginsu knives that he left he when he croaked and she could do some shanking…now that is a reality show I could get on board with!! 

Everyone loves a good clean shanking…shank on my wayward soldiers.

Lars and the Real Girl…(or not so real)

The Oscars happened…blah, who cares…the only one I was really keeping an eye on was Bianca the Blow up doll from Lars and the real girl.  I have to say; she was the most convincing actress out of all of them but all those Oscar snobs refused to acknowledge her because she’s an inanimate object.  I find this highly offensive.

I was totally convinced that she was a blow up doll in the movie…even though there may have been a slight bit of type-casting involved. 

On a sidebar; I wish those Oscar weirdos would’ve focused the camera on her face too; every time she was snubbed…the same blank stare…you know, like all the other actresses…void of the fake smiles…Bianca isn’t a faker poser…she ain’t gonna smile if she loses; she is still going to look somber.  I respect that…no putting on airs for that gal.

I also have mad props for Bianca the blow up doll too because she doens’t need those ego-stroking Oscar people to validate her existence; she knows she is a valid, viable piece of plastic. 

Sidebar time again; The Oscars really are just a huge fancy circle jerk, by the way….all those people kissing each others asses and pretending like they like each other…stroking each others ego (and other parts..but that is saved for after the show)…People get all dressed up and kiss the ass of the designer by repeating their names numerous times…like us regular jo blows at home are gonna run out and buy a million dollar hairclip or a ten thousand dollar dress from Roberto Cavali…you bet…thanks for the fashion tips.

Then after that; people gather on a carpet and start with the circle jerk and then it culminates on the inside of the Kodak Theatre…It’s the most extravagent, elaborate circle jerk of the year…and I thought those dudes at the metro rail station were crazy…but it all boils down to the fact that everyone is essentailly the same..just some people give the same activites fancy names and wear expensive garmets and others call it like it is and wear…well…nothing.