Demon possession…

“The Haunting” on the Discovery Channel had another episode (see below blog) about Demon Possession.  A lady who studies the devil went to a ghost infested/haunted barn.  A skull fell from the ceiling and bada bing; she is now possessed by the devil.  (she also has an old ass tape recorder from the mid-80’s…like in the next blog…these people really need to update their devil/ghost seeking technology)…So she runs out of the barn and listens to the recording and hears nothing but her own screams.  Hmmmm…okay.

So later on in the evening; she is working on her ghost/devil findings at the barn…she leaves all the lights off so it’s dark and creepy (that’s the best way to work, especially when studying devil phenomena)…The curtains start blowing (like in every episode…these damn ghosts are so obsessed with blowing the curtains…is it really that freaking windy every night)…it’s dark and she turns the tape recorder on; and now instead of her screaming it says; “Your faith can’t help you…I am here to stay”…and for some reason; demons all sound a like.  They have a deep, gravely voice…just once; I want to hear a devil with a high squeaky voice…I can’t hardly believe they all talk alike…I digress…

She goes to sleep, the curtains blow, devils scream in her hallway, she is scared…(she has a kid too who seems oblivious to the devil shouting in the hallway…)  Next day, she calls her sister and thinks she is schizophrenic, the sister laughs at her…she speaks in her new devil voice to her sister “I don’t need your help”…the sister hangs up on her thinking she is playing a funny devil prank on her…

The demon possessed woman then goes to the hospital and sees everyone in the hospital playing with inerds and blood…the curtains are still blowing around and wouldn’t ya know it; there are devils in the hallways of the hospital…the rest of the hospital patrons are oblivious to the devils…but the woman hears them as plain as day…the hospital workers all tell her she is too tired.  (cz whenever I’m sleep deprived, my curtains blow alot and I hear devils in the hallway and sometimes see organs laying around…seems pretty logicial)

So for about 20 more minutes; the curtains blow around a lot, her kid remains oblivious to his mom’s devil voice and her friends are a bit confused about the demon posession thing…they have a minister come over and bless the house…it does no good…her devil voice informs him of this…he looks confused.  So now someone points out that she has a son and it’s not safe for the son to be raised by a demon possessed woman.  In one of her moments of lucidity; she agrees…and so some people take her to Conneticut (apparently that’s the best place to extract demons…keep for future reference)…  

On the way up; she is frightened about dying….(apparently the devil might kill you if you try and extract him)…who will raise her son  (isn’t pretty much anyone better than the devil?)  So they get there and her devil voice kicks in and she spits on the minister and he smiles and spews forth jibberish about the sheppherd and casting out..he then sticks a hot poker on her head….it calms her down a little bit, like it would anyone who gets a hot poker shoved on their forhead…devil or no devil.

Then the devil decides he’s going to leave her body and find a new host….the new host was going to be her sister but apparently her sister is too strong to let a devil take over her personna…(accoding to the ghost hunters)…The demon is then cast out after more hot poker treatment and a lot of curtains blowing around.  Then she levitates way up to the ceiling in her last minute of devil glory…(now they have live testimony of this by the minister and her sister…the minister says after 33 years of demon casting out…he’s never seen someone levitate in a chair)… I  truely think the levitation is a blantant lie that he concocted with the sister to get people to turn to jesus…because of course at that moment; jesus popped in and said a quick hello at the demon extracting ceremony.  (this is according to them)….jesus appearance was a lot of curtain blowing too…he didn’t actually show his face or anything; he didn’t even talk…(at least the devil was whispering and talking throughout the episode)…jesus just blew a few pages around in the bible and did that damn curtain blowing trick that all the ghosts and devils seem to do.

So then the minister warned her…the devils will always be after you and they will never forget you…you will always be a willing host for them.  She seems to be okay…she quites her job searching for demons in broken down barns and raises her son…still oblivious to the fact that his mom was the devil for six months and talked in a devil voice…

He was probably so busy playing guitar hero…he had no idea the devil was walking around in his house and blowing the curtains around a lot.  The show ends and somehow eerily; you feel that the devil will probably come back and blow the curtains around a lot and whisper in her hallway and the kid will still not notice…

In fact the kid denounced believing in god or any of that stuff…the mom was heartbroken and was going to use her devil story to convert him to jesus but I think he didn’t even notice the devil.  Now maybe if she could somehow get jesus to show up on guitar hero and blow the curtains around at the same time; maybe than the kid will convert.  Churches all around the globe should follow suit…stick jesus in some video games…give him a little more publicity…jesus needs a publicist these days with all the compeition out there…  

The Haunting is full of crap!

There is a show on the Discovery Channel called “The Haunting”…it’s a show about these nuts who have haunted houses and they are possessed by the devil and the like.  I can’t buy it…sorry to all you paranormal experts out there; I think you exaggerate a little.

I’ve lived in a few houses whereupon; people “claim” (people who are slightly to moderately unstable and perhaps have been known to use hallucinogenics…I digress)…that their place is haunted.  The most they could ever accuse their “ghost” of doing was making creaking noises and flickering their lights…pretty harmless.  I say if they are a ghost and that is all the havoc they wanna create…let em.  Go for it…you have fun you spiritual being.  Another alleged “haunted” house I lived in…the lady that owned it (I rented from her with a pal)….claimed the same haunting crap…one day; my roomate runs down the stairs really quickly while I was mocking the ghost of the house to the landlady and a painting feel off the wall.  This confirmed the landladys suspisions…the ghost was upset and knocked the painting down…sure, whatever. 

It failed to escape her eagle eye; that someone was bounding down the staircase above where the painting hung and maybe their movements coupled with a painting that was hung pretty crapily…might’ve made it fall.  Hmmmm, interesting explaination but nope; it’s the damn ghost.  So I have to say; if these ghosts that I’m encountering all that lame…Why would you go to alll the trouble of not dying to flicker a few lights on and off and to knock down paintings…??

I don’t hardly think that’s worth it but The Haunting has some freaking violent ghosts who TALK and seem to blow the curtains around a lot.  I mean A LOT…and they leave skid marks on the hardwood floors.  So this family moves into a house that is haunted.  The ghost psychic tells them a girl was abused and murdered there and now she is trolling around and so is the killer.  Great…sane person might consider moving.  Especially after you go to dinner one night and leave a really old tape recorder from 1987 runnning, hoping to catch the ghost having a nice conversation in your absence. 

So when they get back; sure enough, this old ass recording device has picked up the ghosts voices having a conversation…the girl is yelling; “no edward” and he screams; “you will never get away”…so the family in the haunted house is frightened…so they decide to leave the tape recorder running in the middle of the night…sure enough, next morning; tons of conversations betwix the ghosts. 

I can’t believe that these people can’t hear the ghosts but this old ass crappy recording device from the 80’s can pick up their voices???  WTF?  So now the mom is home alone…all the curtains in the whole house are blowing like crazy, she opens the closet door and it is blowing…she goes to take a shower; and the ghost keeps kicking the door open (what  a kinky ghost)…Then the last straw was, he threw a bottle of shampoo at her and she weeps and wails.

She tells her husband of the strange findings…their marriage is near the end of failure due to the ghost.  So now they have some clarvoyant who has a necklace who talks to ghosts come on over for crumpets and tea.  He asks his magic necklace questions and it swirls around with the answers and it tells him Edward is the killer.  Then the necklace tells him Edward is behind him….GASP!  Edward the ghost then punches him in the stomach?  WTF?  A ghost punches you in the stomach…it’s another being…if there is indeed ghosts; I don’t think they can cross over and brutalize us…why wouldn’t we blame every unsolved murder/rape/etc….on a mysterious ghost?

At this point…the dad won’t move from the house…cuz he needs to find out why the curtains blow around all the time…have I mentioned that they do all their ghost hunting in the dark…even when it’s 3pm in the afternoon; it’s dark.  Very strange…So the end of the story was; the family moved and the guy with the magic necklace and his cronies continue researching the phenomena…

Then at the end of the story; the credits say; “Names have been changed to protect the innocent…”  Which made me think Edward the killer has some secret alias; you really won’t wanna piss off a ghost that kills and punches people in the stomach…so I’m thinking the clarvoyant necklace guy might’ve asked Edward which name he’s like them to use in the documentary and then had him sign a release? 

           

NYC’s new governor loves hookers and blow and the sticky icky…!!

The new Governor of NYC is very forthcoming in his endeavors.  He announced last week that him and his wife were swingers.  Well maybe not swingers (sorry that is what I heard)….but that they both have committed adultery numerous (was it numerous?  After two or three; I think numerous can qualify)…times.  Super.  They have one of those ”open” marriages…That’s cool…now we don’t have to worry about uncovering any scandals in relation to this dude; he’s uncovering them for us.  Making the journalists job a bit simplier.

Now today; he has also decided to let the public know that he’s an ex-cokehead and a fan of the herb.  I do love his quote  whereupon; he exclaims; “Back in the 70’s, people did a lot of drugs and tried a lot of mood altering substances and managed to move on to live as upstanding, successful citizens” (I don’t think it’s the exact quote but he basically said; anyone who has tried drugs ((probably most people at some point)) are not all needle-welding junkies passed out in an alley)…

I do have to point out the obvious again…how does he know he really did coke though?  (Back to the blind thing)…how does he know it wasn’t suger, or powdered sugar, or chopped up vivarin…that will be the next scandal.  The next one will be; (an old college friend will reveal!!) That he never did coke or hookers…it’s all a sham to connect with the people…the alleged hooker was his wife pretending to be a hooker and the coke was flour…GASP!  No way, we can’t have a governor that hasn’t dabble in hookers and blow…what kind of damn country is this?

A prediction for next week; he will come out with another statement/confession that yes, he has also spent time in various airport bathrooms stomping his foot aggressively and stopping off at local reststops/glory holes and done some signals underneath the stall.  If he’s lucky; maybe that male prostitute fron Denver that’s been with a ton or politicians will come forward to back up his story!!

So Paterson is smart; he’s gonna get the junkies, womanizers, (and his wife is connecting with the sluts…yay sluts) and now the gays, blacks, the handicap, I think Paterson has got all the masses covered pretty well…After his gay confession next week; the week after; look for a transexual hooker confession and maybe more confessions in the upcoming months…each more and more inticing and fetching…

Politics have really become all the rage these days…best reality television around.   

St. Patty’s Day and AA meetings…

On St. Patty’s Day…a pal and I decide to head to J-town for some delicious and nutritious sashimi…and some cocktailiac spirits later.  The first thing above-mentioned friend points out is that on her way to pick me up; she noticed three different AA meetings going on and was wondering what the deal was? 

I point out that apparently a lot of Irish folks are tempted to celebrate their heritage and need an alternative route?  (oddly enough, we decided to celebrate the Japanese culture on St. Patty’s Day just to be rebels…)  So we head over to J-town which isn’t very far from where I live…we notice 3 more AA meetings in full swing.  WTF?  Who knew there was such an insane rash of uncontrollable alkies running around on the mean streeets?

I then decided it would be a stellar idea after the sashimi (oh yeah and sake) to stop by a few of them on the way home…the bar scene is getting pretty boring and I figured it’d be fun to try out a new scene.  We are (well not the person driving) but the others were somewhat liquored up and we troll into the first AA meetings…we are greeted by an old dude with three yellow teeth and a bad comb-over.  He says; “howdy folks”…Join the gang…(I’m already an honorary crip so I think joining another gang would be a conflict of interest so I politely decline the invite)

But decide to go inside anyways…there is A LOT of people there.  My eyes are bloodshot and red, possibally glazed over and I’m fairly certain there was some akward stumbling going on from the other folks in our party…(not the driver….remember that’s the sober one)

I give a fake alias and let them know that I’m so much of an alcoholic, that I drank before I came and boy, do I need some goddamn help….they starred at me mouths agape.  I felt like a leper…outcast to the outcasts…it hurt.  I thought this was a place where I could go and not be judged…obviously I thought wrong.

The leader asked if I was ready to give it all up to the “higher being”…I asked if Oz could be my higher being…it worked for Dorothy and the gang; why not me?  They inquired about my drinking habits and I tell them…”I drink once or twice a month”….but the other 28 or 29; it’s strictly the black-tar heroin.  I was told that I don’t need AA but there are different groups for me…so I’m thinking about going to schizophrenics anonymous next week…

That way, I can show up every week and be someone new every week all under the guise of being a nut…somehow I think the schizos will be more accepting of me and afterall; they are anonymous…so I’d have to assume that by being anonymous; they don’t even know which personality shows up at the meeting…they themselves arn’t even sure who is there, cuz it’s so anonymous…Personality c doesn’t let personality e know what’s going on…I like that in my self-help meetings…

I’m hoping to hit up a new anonymous type meeting every week and keep a journal/log of my findings…so far the AA people are kind of mean and judgemental…so I’ve decided to stick with the alcohol for now…especially until I find out which and who my higher being will be since Oz wasn’t cool with them…I thought the Wizard would suffice everyone’s higher being question…obviously I was wrong…

If anyone wants to suggest some higher beings for me to give up my “problems” and life to; that would be really helpful…Thank you for your insightful advice in advance…          

Spitzer and the new guy…

I can’t hardly have a blog without acknowledging the Spitzer dude, ex-governor of NYC.  He cleaned up NYC and cracked down on hooker rings…yes, that is what he did.  He was vigilante and adement about ridding NYC of those unsavory sorts.  Whatever.  He also did some damage to the radio/music industry.  He came down on a lot of people and accused them of dealing in payola/plugola issues.  He was the one to proliferate the Sony payola deal and a lot of people got the axe* because of his accusations in the music industry.  Some people that were affected and lost their jobs were allegedly innocent of any wrong doing and forced to take the proverbial fall for some over-zealous accusations made by Spitzer…his exact quote was; “Payola is perverse”…I wonder if it’s as perverse as a 5000 hooker and just exactly which services are included in that 5 grand…

But in Spitzers defense; as far as perverse; I guess he’s the expert…so if he wants to accuse something of being perverse; he probably knows from years of experience and dealing with all things perverse.  I put payola right up there with scat and golden showers…sure Spitzer you sick bastard…maybe the hooker was pretending to be a music industry mogul and doing a little pay for play…and he’d pretend to be the radio programmer…and then afterwards; they’d maim and kill a homeless guy and have sex wth his dead corpse…Do you think 5 grand gets you that?  Is it perverse enough?  I’d have to imagine that Spitzer has a perverse pyramid at home…the rest of us have the food pyramid (to get our daily nutrients) but Spitz has a perverse pyramid to make sure he gets his daily dosage of perverse activity?            

Okay, so we’ve justified that Spitzer is holier than thou and blah blah…I’m fairly convinced after my long time here on earth that anyone is capable of anything.  I’m serious…the most upstanding person in the world (or so it may seem) is capable of murder, adultry, robbery, beastiality…you name it; I’m convinced that anyone and everyone is capable of anything in relative to the circumstances and process that would bring about such situations.  I digress however…this damn blog is suppose to be funny…well, not funny but just pointing out a few obvious things…(that I haven’t heard anyone pinpoint yet)

Spitzer was known as Client 9…Maybe I was the only one in the world that thought this; but when I heard client 9….I immediately thought of agent 99…they both fight mysteries and uncover the unknown.  Right?  The mystery Spitzer was investigating was which STD he got this week.  (What a great concept for an updated Get Smart show…!!)

Now NYC  (or whoever is in charge of putting people in charge of shit) is smart…the new dude is blind.  The blind thing to me is obviously a built in excuse.  Hi, I wasn’t with a hooker…how would I know?  I’m blind…I thought it was my mother, life coach, wife, etc…(insert your own noun)…This lucky bastard has nothing to worry about as far as hookers and getting caught…he’s covered with the blind thing…the blind thing will get him out of all sorts of trouble…he got a trump card when he was born with the non-existent eye-sight. 

But seriously, he admitted to getting hookers and cheating on his wife anyways…just to make sure everyone knew that yes, he is a bastard as well but willing to admit it.  I do respect someone who tells the truth and just comes out with it; cuz we are all human and fuck up…if Bill clinton would’ve just said from the get-go…yes, my wife is ugly and mean and I was super lonely and this intern was flaunting her fat keister all over so I was just really in desperate need of the human touch and there it was beckoning to me…I can respect that and I do believe the public would’ve definately resonated with that better than the “I did not have sex with that woman”…whatever…You stuck a cigar in her hoohaa…what the fuck is that? Not technical sex but even weirder…(On a sidebar; I wonder if he smoked it later…or maybe took it home and shared it with Hillary? and Chelsea?)  I wonder if the cigar trick is part of Spitzers perverse pyramid?  It’s probably at the bottom level though… 

So I must do some digressing again; back to Mr. Patterson…so he’s committed adultery…he’s blind?!  Was he sick of banging his wife?  He can’t even see what he’s getting as far as the “goods”…WTF?  He’s like; my wife is getting fat and old; I need a younger version of her…so he gets a hooker…How does he know if the hooker was or wasn’t a 45-year-old crack whore with sores and lepresy?  I don’t understand…Did he wanna try some weird shit and his wife wasn’t down with it?   Did his wife have some body odor, a penis…something out of the ordinary?       

So many questions to ponder…Anyways, my last point to this blithering banter…Does anyone realize that now it is shiek to be a hooker…hooker shiek  is what they (I’m not sure who “they” are exactly…so far “they” are just voices in my head…but there is always a “they” in charge of stuff and making observations and no one is ever able to justify exactly who these “they” are…)   are going to be saying about being a hooker.  So when “Sex in the City” was on Tv; all those hoes on the show made Manolo Blahniks** and Jimmy Choos popular…now hookers are making them popular…All these hookers on Larry King were talking about owning hundreds of pairs of these shoes…(If you’re not aware; a pair of these shoes cost anywhere betwix 300-1000 dollars)…Hookers are buying these shoes and I’m going to Santee alley*** to buy 5 dollar ballet slippers (those are my shoes…)  So I’m predicting a rash of people clamoring to become hookers…everyone wanted to be like those idiots on “Sex in the City”****…and now there will be a shift and young women and old women and women who are very impressionable will become hookers so they too; can live the glamorous life of owning Manolos and Choos and having a zillion dollars floating around in your purse at any given moment.

That is what these Larry King guests (hookers and pimps) were saying….I hardly think that is true…I mean, I don’t really know any high class call girls…but I’ve seen plenty of hookers looming around and they don’t seem any better off then the rest of us…They don’t wear Choos…they are usually wearing some scary ass glitter stilletto heels that they got at a costume shop…(hookers in LA are so classless…)…perhaps I’ll start seeking out more hookers, do a sociology study on the physiology of hookers…if anyone wants to help me with my study and knows how to write grants to get “research” money…please contact me…(scientists these days get money to study why dudes like to have sex with chicks in stillettos and why dogs piss on fire hydrants….so why not conduct a study everyone will be interested in and not mind spending their tax dollars on…) 

* Getting the axe = to lose ones job in an often times, unsavory manner.

**  Manolo Blahniks = Ridiculously expensive shoes made popular on “Sex in the City”…kind of ugly and not worth the money…(sorry fashionistas…you are just a poser if you like these shoes anyways…)

***  Santee Alley = A place in downtown Los Angeles known as the fashion district….everything there is wholesale; fashion deisgners and people who own clothing stores go there and buy stuff for dirt cheap, then go back to their store or wherever they came from and charge people triple or more for the same stuff…normal folks generally either a. don’t know about the alley or b. are too scared to go there…(it’s a little rough and you will more than likely get pick pocketed unless you are street)

****  Sex in the City = A gawd awful show about a bunch of old washed-up broads who have nothing better to do than eat lunch and talk about dudes that dumped them…they all worked seemingly glamorous jobs which afforded them lavish lifestyles but still were desperately depressed and always feeling sorry of themselves…hour long episodes revolved around someone breaking a nail or getting a bad dye job…sometimes, it would get real dramatic and someone would get their period at a public event and they would contemplate suicide over it.  Very riveting (I use sarcasm often)     

It’s Easter???

I didn’t even know it was a holiday until last night when someone axed me what the f~~~ I was doing for EASTER…I’m like; HUH??? Easter?  Gee, I thought maybe I’d fucking egg the neighbors houses and then sacrifice some bunnies to the devil…tha’s about it…how about you?

What a weird freaking holiday…I’m still puzzled as to why someone would invent a holiday whereupon; we nail some dude to the cross and watch him bleed and deficate and uninate on himself and we laugh and point…and then to make up for it; we decide to say; “hey sorry jesus, but we are going to hide eggs and fucking honor a bunny” to make up for it…Sorry about that whole cross mix-up…Are we good now?

I’m sure the whole egg and bunny stuff totally makes up for fucking maiming and torturing a mofo on a cross for days…I’m sure he’s not bitter or anything…

Happy Easter Mofos…

Sick Fetishes

MOLESTING STATUTES 

I highly recommend molesting statues as a vacation theme.  It is fun for everyone.  The tradition of molesting statues started out with my sister and I and our mom in Portland.  We stumble upon some naked statues downtown while driving around seeing the sights.  I’m not talking one or two naked statues…I’m talking like 10 of em!!  SCORE!  Full on having an orgie…I could not have planned that better myself.  God bless the head townspeople of Portland for putting such an amusing sight smack dab in the middle of the city. 

 Well, I whip the car around and immediately order my sister to get on top of one of the naked statues and grab its boobs.  (I’m a real Nazi when it comes to naked statues) 

Now, my sister is dressed in four inch stilettos and some sort of fancy pants…she is concerned about this.  I tell her that our goal is to molest the statues; FOCUS…you can buy new clothes anywhere; but you cant find gaggles of naked statues everywhere.  This was important business…make a sacrifice for the team.  The team being myself and my sick sense of humor. 

She begrudgingly traipses through the waterfalls (did I mention there were waterfalls?) getting sopping wet (even better; a chick in a wet t-shirt molesting statues)…we are slightly worried about cops so I order my mom to stand guard…now she doesn’t want to have anything to do with our debauchery but she also realizes that if we get arrested; she’s got no ride back to the hotel so she begrudgingly decides to be our look out for the fuzz.

 Did I happen to mention somewhere in here that its Sunday?  You know what happens on Sundays?  YES…people are getting out of church on Sundays…fortunately for us; there was a church nearby and they just happen to finish worshipping their naked jesus statue…PERFECT!!!  God was definitely on our side today!              

 So my sister proceeds with Operation Statue Molesting…she gets behind the woman statue and grabs the chesticles and then with some coaxing from me; she decides to give the boy statue a hummer…boy, was that funny.  On-lookers were NOT impressed by our display of class…man, people in Portland were so uptight.  So we got the goods; meaning pictures and ran away and searched out the next innocent victim of our statue debauchery.  We are statue stalkers.  It’s a new fetish.  I’m gonna try to get it to catch on.  In a few years; the masses will be getting their lovin from statues just like my sister and I.

 THE STATUE OF LIBERTY 

So you are chuckling about my sister and I molesting the statues in Portland…what if I told you we molested the Statue of Liberty.  GASP…Blasphemous!  Absolutely!  We saw a statue of liberty about six feet tall and we couldn’t resist.  It’s a sickness we just can’t control ourselves; if there was medication for it; believe me…I’d be the first one in line for the medical study! 

So another victim for the notch in our bedpost!  I let my sister do the boobage again cuz I know how much she likes it and Im a real giver that way.  Besides; we need to establish an M.O. if we want to coin our crime and claim it for our own!!  Like Jack the Ripper always strangled  people…my sister always gets the boobs in our criminal activities!  Then I decided that the statue of liberty has been a very bad statue and it needs a spanking.  So I SPANKED the statue of liberty…

We were a hit…the people of New York thought we were hilarious!  A crowd even gathered around to watch us molest the statue.  Some people even asked if they could steal our ideas like licking it and spanking it and sticking your finger in its mouth.  I wished I would’ve patented the molesting of the statue of liberty.  I coulda charged people one dollar to molest it or at least watch us molest it!  If I was a passerby; I woulda paid!!!  But then again; maybe my sister and I are the only ones who get our sick jollys from this sort of deviant behavior but somehow; (gauging the crowd we attracted) I don’t think we are the only ones out there!                 

BALD MANNEQUINS 

Growing up as a small child fostered most of my sicknesses.  One ritual that I think started me well on the road to deviance was the department store mannequins.  I had this friend Christine and our moms would take us shopping and one day I accidentally knocked a wig off the mannequins head and thought it was hilarious and I took the wig and hid it so the sales girls couldn’t put it back on its head.  I hid it in between some pillows in the  home furnishing section…I figured that no one goes in that section anyways. 

And so a tradition began.  I didn’t only stop at one wig…I mean, at first; it was one wig; then two…then three…then pretty soon every mannequin in the entire mall was bald and no one knew what was going on!!!  It happened so fast; no one knew what hit them and soon enough; my addiction was out of control!! 

And my mom took us to the mall A LOT!!!  And I always came up with crafty new ways to hide the wigs…then when I realized the sales girls were finding them; I started hiding them under my shirt and then throwing them in the trash can! In the height of my wig stealing career; I could go through the mall once and have every mannequin bald and have all the wigs lost for DAYS!  I remember going back three days after one of the dewigging sessions and still all the mannequins were BALD…it looked like the mall was filled with chemo patients…

I think my mom knew it was me but never wanted to admit to having such a successfully brilliant child…or maybe it was the jealously that plagued her..either way; she never said anything.  But deep down inside; I think it was one of my better accomplishments in life and so does she!!!   

The Hypnotist

During my bouts of unemployment I must say I’ve had a really enjoyable time and found rather interesting ways to get by financially.  One of these that I stumbled upon (about 2000 or 2001) was going to a hypnotist in training.  He paid me 50 dollars an hour to practice hypnotizing me, which I believe is a complete crock anyways but I thought I’d pretend and have a little fun with him and get paid at the same time.   

So this incredibly successful guy who does real estate is trying to be a hypnotist…how the hell does that happen?  I figure someone really snowed him on this hypnotism shit cuz he actually paid to go to a school for it!  My Gawd…He actually paid money to get a degree in hypnotism…so now he’s ready to do some real hypnotizing and shit. 

I answer the ad I found on Craig list or something similar to that.  I thought it would be really funny. So I head over to the alleged hypnotist’s house…he had pretty fancy digs and he was actually a decent looking guy but definitely a little goofy in the head.  I say that meaning; believing the hypnotist stuff and other weird wacky things like psychic powers, aromatherapy, he was into all that magic casting spells crap too. 

I don’t know with all these talents if I’ll be able to trick him into believing I’m really hypnotized…I mean, with the psychic powers and all that he bestowed as well, he will for sure know I’m a poser.              

So he begins the hypnotizing process and seriously; this shit doesn’t work on me; in fact; the power of suggestion forces me to do exactly the opposite of what someone is telling me to do…it’s all part of the mental illness I suffer from.  So he’s telling me I’m sleepy…blah blah blah…sleepy; ‘cuz hes so goddamn boring.  So I’m thinking; I’ll make him work hard and then I’ll start to pretend doze off…I figure If I humor him enough and make him think it’s working; he’ll pay me the money and I’ll be on my merry way but I also think that if I can drag out the hypnotizing for about four hours, I’ll make about 200 dollars at fifty dollars an hour. 

It was a fine line I was walking…I must say that my planning strategy had some timing issues I’d have to work out.   So it takes me an hour just to fall asleep in the hypnotic trance…but I’m still wide awake and do goofy off the wall things just to keep him on his toes.  Then he starts asking me all kinds of extremely personal questions to which I answer in a trance-like voice (I saw Scooby Doo a time or two so I know how hypnotized people talk…like when the zombies would hypnotize the gang…I’m real observant that way) 

I am completely making up answers and concocting a really tragic background for myself about being an orphan and my whole family is dead…yada yada…(I figure if I play the sympathy card; I can’t go wrong and besides; I’m fucking hypnotized…it’s not like I can control my torrid upbringing and disclosure of it ‘cuz I’M FUCKING HYPNOTIZED BITCH)   so at this point; he thinks I’m an orphan raised in an orphanage, beaten, left at the alter by a fiancé, suffering from bi-polar (well, maybe that one is true…I needed a break from making up lies and stories…so I decided to go with the truth on that one)…   At this point; he is sad for me…perfect!! 

Then something weird happens…he tells me to go into the bedroom and I immediately pick up on this one…so I go into the kitchen and start rummaging through his refrigerator and whatnot and he’s kinda pissed.  So then I go to the bedroom and I start digging in all his shit and then he starts asking more personal shit like if I had a boyfriend…if I would take my shirt off…etc…WHICH I DID NOT DO…so then I realized that this hypnotizing shit is how he gets chicks…he allegedly hypnotizes them and then tries to get it on with them…how sad and pathetic. 

So now I decide to play the I’m a virgin card and waiting for marriage card…oh boy, this is getting funny cuz he really doesn’t like this…then I decide to lay on the jesus card for extra good measure so he knows I’m serious about my non-existent virginity.   Then I decide to pull out the lesbian card too…I mean, in four hours worth of time; I didn’t want to leave any stones unturned.    

Now he was really pissed and annoyed ‘cuz I’m a jesus lovin’ lesbian virgin who he now owes 200 dollars, and he will never get any action from and who has no interest in him whatsoever.  So he abruptly ends the hypnotizing session after I pulled out the lesbian card…which I kind of thought would happen but I was ready to end it…so then when I wake up…he asks me if I was really hypnotized and if I remember anything…it was so freaking hard keeping a straight face.  So I tell him I remember nothing and then I act surprised when he asks about my orphanage upbringing…I should totally get an Oscar for that presentation ‘cuz on the inside I was peeing my pants with laughter…

I mean, after all…he thought I was working on becoming a lesbian nun….so he paid me my 200 dollars and I drove away into the sunset thinking; boy did you waste your money on that hypnotizing school…you should ask for a refund. 

I decided when I got home I’d give him a call and relay the message which I did.  Once I told him about what I did; he broke down and cried like a baby.  I shattered a grown man’s dreams that night.  I’m not proud.  I shattered his dream of one day being able to hypnotize women into dating him or sleeping with him and then having no recollection of it whatsoever…which is a noble, clever plan if I hadn’t come along and RUINED it.  I completely SOILED his plan…I guess he’ll have to stick with the tried and true method of hard up lonely guys getting chicks; yes, you are correct…just put a roofie in their drink.  You don’t need any fancy schooling for that!  I’m here to help you save money and get chicks.*

* I do not advocate this type of activity, the roofie reference is merely used as a humor mechanism and not to be tried in the public domain EVER.  Thank you for your attention to this matter. 

My new innovative Diet plan!

So be looking for my diet book I have in the works…people are always asking me how I keep my girlish figure and so I’ve decided to follow suit like Atkins, Dr. Phil and all those assholes who think they know about dieting and shit.  

First of all; it’s in the word…”DIE-IT”…what you gotta do is try and come down with some sort of terminal illness like cancer or something that messes up your colon, intestines or anything in the digestive system.  It might be kinda tough to come up with one of those right away…so lucky for you; there are other alternatives!! 

Like tapeworms or parasites you can order on the internet from third world countries…have them sent to your home and then take em straight or mix them in with your food or my personal favorite; mix them in with a tasty blender drink…like a margarita.  

I will try to specialize diet plans for your personal needs as well and your body type too.  For instance; your specialized “Die-It” plan might require you to take syrup of ipecac after every meal…if you want to continue eating the same tasty foods you always have.  Laxatives will work for this as well but I usually save those for brownies…a tasty delicious “Die-it” desert!!! 

After you lose your first ten pounds; the syrup will stop working so its onto Phase 2 of your Die-it plan.  This will include a small investment on your part.  Are your ready?  You will need to go to the store and buy a really really long toothbrush or a really really long wooden spoon to shove down your throat after each meal to induce vomiting.  This may seem a bit extreme; but seriously, what the hell would you rather do…run a million miles…sweat like a pig…run out of breath…turn red and stink like a bastard and never mind all the time you waste with that running  and exercising crap.  This new Die-it plan will shave off all that pesky exercising time and free up time for you to do other things like count your calories, study the BMI and weight charts to make sure youre right on target and my favorite; binging and purging on all your favorite desserts so in the long run (one which you won’t be doing, by the way) time is of essence…I mean, who has time to run for HOURS in this busy lifetime???? 

With Die-It; you don’t only save time…You have more time in your day to think up new ways to expel food from your body and have fun doing it!  Because believe me YOU WILL NEED IT after your esophagus collapses and your teeth fall out when the acid from your vomit rots them and that pretty much shuts down Phase 2 of the new exciting Die-it plan.   

By now; you probably still have those last stubborn few pounds left to lose…You can lose those last few pounds.  Richard Simmons did it…SO CAN YOU!!!    Are you getting fired up???  Because here is Phase 3 of this new innovative Diet-it plan!  I can barely contain myself.  This is where you lose those last few extra pounds that have been treacherous to lose.   

So now that you have no esophagus and no teeth…your electrolytes are probably pretty messed up and your heart is pumping like a bastard and near failure.  Phase 3 of this new invigorating weight loss plan places you in the hospital…did I mention you have no esophagus???  So you can’t eat anymore and you are now hooked up to feeding tubes which only can run liquid into your veins so you will lose the last few pounds very easily.  HIP HIP HORAY DAMN YOU POUNDAGE…WHOS YOUR DADDY NOW!!!  I WONI WONI WON…THE WAR ON WEIGHT LOSS…I am definately going to be the skinniest corpse in the morgue!  

Informercial coming soon!! or not…

My famous elbow

If you’ve lived in LA; you know that almost every person you encounter is an actor or somehow been involved in the show business industry somehow.  I like to pride myself as a famous actor in a show called the 711 security camera…That’s where I’ve done most of my acting where I got some real camera time.  I don’t like to brag but damn; I am so the Julia Roberts of the 711 security camera. 

Well; I guess I can admit that I’ve dabbled in other acting endeavors as well…for instance; I’ve been on The Might Ducks, Waterboy, Bedazzled, Providence and if you look really closely; I’m a pink dot of a person on a few Offspring videos.  Although I don’t get recognized often; I have noticed that my elbow does all the time!  In all my acting/extra/background acting experiences; I am not famous but my elbow is totally a star!!!  I say this because my elbow got most of the camera time in anything and everything I’ve ever been in.  

Often times; people will stop me on the street and ask if my elbow can autograph something…after a while; it really wears on you…the fame, the recognition…it’s really hard to keep up with my elbow’s busy schedule.  Sometimes I think about checking my elbow into a clinic for exhaustion.  So far though; we’ve been real lucky..it hasn’t had any drug problems or self-esteem problems like a lot of the famous folks go through. 

But I do suppose soon it will want a little plastic surgery to keep up its youthful appearance.  Well; gotta go…my elbow has another audition today…hope it gets the part!  It’s going to be an elbow double for Jenna Jameson in her next big porn flick.  Oh my gawd…pretty soon my elbow will have its own private jet!