Sick Fetishes

MOLESTING STATUTES 

I highly recommend molesting statues as a vacation theme.  It is fun for everyone.  The tradition of molesting statues started out with my sister and I and our mom in Portland.  We stumble upon some naked statues downtown while driving around seeing the sights.  I’m not talking one or two naked statues…I’m talking like 10 of em!!  SCORE!  Full on having an orgie…I could not have planned that better myself.  God bless the head townspeople of Portland for putting such an amusing sight smack dab in the middle of the city. 

 Well, I whip the car around and immediately order my sister to get on top of one of the naked statues and grab its boobs.  (I’m a real Nazi when it comes to naked statues) 

Now, my sister is dressed in four inch stilettos and some sort of fancy pants…she is concerned about this.  I tell her that our goal is to molest the statues; FOCUS…you can buy new clothes anywhere; but you cant find gaggles of naked statues everywhere.  This was important business…make a sacrifice for the team.  The team being myself and my sick sense of humor. 

She begrudgingly traipses through the waterfalls (did I mention there were waterfalls?) getting sopping wet (even better; a chick in a wet t-shirt molesting statues)…we are slightly worried about cops so I order my mom to stand guard…now she doesn’t want to have anything to do with our debauchery but she also realizes that if we get arrested; she’s got no ride back to the hotel so she begrudgingly decides to be our look out for the fuzz.

 Did I happen to mention somewhere in here that its Sunday?  You know what happens on Sundays?  YES…people are getting out of church on Sundays…fortunately for us; there was a church nearby and they just happen to finish worshipping their naked jesus statue…PERFECT!!!  God was definitely on our side today!              

 So my sister proceeds with Operation Statue Molesting…she gets behind the woman statue and grabs the chesticles and then with some coaxing from me; she decides to give the boy statue a hummer…boy, was that funny.  On-lookers were NOT impressed by our display of class…man, people in Portland were so uptight.  So we got the goods; meaning pictures and ran away and searched out the next innocent victim of our statue debauchery.  We are statue stalkers.  It’s a new fetish.  I’m gonna try to get it to catch on.  In a few years; the masses will be getting their lovin from statues just like my sister and I.

 THE STATUE OF LIBERTY 

So you are chuckling about my sister and I molesting the statues in Portland…what if I told you we molested the Statue of Liberty.  GASP…Blasphemous!  Absolutely!  We saw a statue of liberty about six feet tall and we couldn’t resist.  It’s a sickness we just can’t control ourselves; if there was medication for it; believe me…I’d be the first one in line for the medical study! 

So another victim for the notch in our bedpost!  I let my sister do the boobage again cuz I know how much she likes it and Im a real giver that way.  Besides; we need to establish an M.O. if we want to coin our crime and claim it for our own!!  Like Jack the Ripper always strangled  people…my sister always gets the boobs in our criminal activities!  Then I decided that the statue of liberty has been a very bad statue and it needs a spanking.  So I SPANKED the statue of liberty…

We were a hit…the people of New York thought we were hilarious!  A crowd even gathered around to watch us molest the statue.  Some people even asked if they could steal our ideas like licking it and spanking it and sticking your finger in its mouth.  I wished I would’ve patented the molesting of the statue of liberty.  I coulda charged people one dollar to molest it or at least watch us molest it!  If I was a passerby; I woulda paid!!!  But then again; maybe my sister and I are the only ones who get our sick jollys from this sort of deviant behavior but somehow; (gauging the crowd we attracted) I don’t think we are the only ones out there!                 

BALD MANNEQUINS 

Growing up as a small child fostered most of my sicknesses.  One ritual that I think started me well on the road to deviance was the department store mannequins.  I had this friend Christine and our moms would take us shopping and one day I accidentally knocked a wig off the mannequins head and thought it was hilarious and I took the wig and hid it so the sales girls couldn’t put it back on its head.  I hid it in between some pillows in the  home furnishing section…I figured that no one goes in that section anyways. 

And so a tradition began.  I didn’t only stop at one wig…I mean, at first; it was one wig; then two…then three…then pretty soon every mannequin in the entire mall was bald and no one knew what was going on!!!  It happened so fast; no one knew what hit them and soon enough; my addiction was out of control!! 

And my mom took us to the mall A LOT!!!  And I always came up with crafty new ways to hide the wigs…then when I realized the sales girls were finding them; I started hiding them under my shirt and then throwing them in the trash can! In the height of my wig stealing career; I could go through the mall once and have every mannequin bald and have all the wigs lost for DAYS!  I remember going back three days after one of the dewigging sessions and still all the mannequins were BALD…it looked like the mall was filled with chemo patients…

I think my mom knew it was me but never wanted to admit to having such a successfully brilliant child…or maybe it was the jealously that plagued her..either way; she never said anything.  But deep down inside; I think it was one of my better accomplishments in life and so does she!!!