Spitzer and the new guy…

I can’t hardly have a blog without acknowledging the Spitzer dude, ex-governor of NYC.  He cleaned up NYC and cracked down on hooker rings…yes, that is what he did.  He was vigilante and adement about ridding NYC of those unsavory sorts.  Whatever.  He also did some damage to the radio/music industry.  He came down on a lot of people and accused them of dealing in payola/plugola issues.  He was the one to proliferate the Sony payola deal and a lot of people got the axe* because of his accusations in the music industry.  Some people that were affected and lost their jobs were allegedly innocent of any wrong doing and forced to take the proverbial fall for some over-zealous accusations made by Spitzer…his exact quote was; “Payola is perverse”…I wonder if it’s as perverse as a 5000 hooker and just exactly which services are included in that 5 grand…

But in Spitzers defense; as far as perverse; I guess he’s the expert…so if he wants to accuse something of being perverse; he probably knows from years of experience and dealing with all things perverse.  I put payola right up there with scat and golden showers…sure Spitzer you sick bastard…maybe the hooker was pretending to be a music industry mogul and doing a little pay for play…and he’d pretend to be the radio programmer…and then afterwards; they’d maim and kill a homeless guy and have sex wth his dead corpse…Do you think 5 grand gets you that?  Is it perverse enough?  I’d have to imagine that Spitzer has a perverse pyramid at home…the rest of us have the food pyramid (to get our daily nutrients) but Spitz has a perverse pyramid to make sure he gets his daily dosage of perverse activity?            

Okay, so we’ve justified that Spitzer is holier than thou and blah blah…I’m fairly convinced after my long time here on earth that anyone is capable of anything.  I’m serious…the most upstanding person in the world (or so it may seem) is capable of murder, adultry, robbery, beastiality…you name it; I’m convinced that anyone and everyone is capable of anything in relative to the circumstances and process that would bring about such situations.  I digress however…this damn blog is suppose to be funny…well, not funny but just pointing out a few obvious things…(that I haven’t heard anyone pinpoint yet)

Spitzer was known as Client 9…Maybe I was the only one in the world that thought this; but when I heard client 9….I immediately thought of agent 99…they both fight mysteries and uncover the unknown.  Right?  The mystery Spitzer was investigating was which STD he got this week.  (What a great concept for an updated Get Smart show…!!)

Now NYC  (or whoever is in charge of putting people in charge of shit) is smart…the new dude is blind.  The blind thing to me is obviously a built in excuse.  Hi, I wasn’t with a hooker…how would I know?  I’m blind…I thought it was my mother, life coach, wife, etc…(insert your own noun)…This lucky bastard has nothing to worry about as far as hookers and getting caught…he’s covered with the blind thing…the blind thing will get him out of all sorts of trouble…he got a trump card when he was born with the non-existent eye-sight. 

But seriously, he admitted to getting hookers and cheating on his wife anyways…just to make sure everyone knew that yes, he is a bastard as well but willing to admit it.  I do respect someone who tells the truth and just comes out with it; cuz we are all human and fuck up…if Bill clinton would’ve just said from the get-go…yes, my wife is ugly and mean and I was super lonely and this intern was flaunting her fat keister all over so I was just really in desperate need of the human touch and there it was beckoning to me…I can respect that and I do believe the public would’ve definately resonated with that better than the “I did not have sex with that woman”…whatever…You stuck a cigar in her hoohaa…what the fuck is that? Not technical sex but even weirder…(On a sidebar; I wonder if he smoked it later…or maybe took it home and shared it with Hillary? and Chelsea?)  I wonder if the cigar trick is part of Spitzers perverse pyramid?  It’s probably at the bottom level though… 

So I must do some digressing again; back to Mr. Patterson…so he’s committed adultery…he’s blind?!  Was he sick of banging his wife?  He can’t even see what he’s getting as far as the “goods”…WTF?  He’s like; my wife is getting fat and old; I need a younger version of her…so he gets a hooker…How does he know if the hooker was or wasn’t a 45-year-old crack whore with sores and lepresy?  I don’t understand…Did he wanna try some weird shit and his wife wasn’t down with it?   Did his wife have some body odor, a penis…something out of the ordinary?       

So many questions to ponder…Anyways, my last point to this blithering banter…Does anyone realize that now it is shiek to be a hooker…hooker shiek  is what they (I’m not sure who “they” are exactly…so far “they” are just voices in my head…but there is always a “they” in charge of stuff and making observations and no one is ever able to justify exactly who these “they” are…)   are going to be saying about being a hooker.  So when “Sex in the City” was on Tv; all those hoes on the show made Manolo Blahniks** and Jimmy Choos popular…now hookers are making them popular…All these hookers on Larry King were talking about owning hundreds of pairs of these shoes…(If you’re not aware; a pair of these shoes cost anywhere betwix 300-1000 dollars)…Hookers are buying these shoes and I’m going to Santee alley*** to buy 5 dollar ballet slippers (those are my shoes…)  So I’m predicting a rash of people clamoring to become hookers…everyone wanted to be like those idiots on “Sex in the City”****…and now there will be a shift and young women and old women and women who are very impressionable will become hookers so they too; can live the glamorous life of owning Manolos and Choos and having a zillion dollars floating around in your purse at any given moment.

That is what these Larry King guests (hookers and pimps) were saying….I hardly think that is true…I mean, I don’t really know any high class call girls…but I’ve seen plenty of hookers looming around and they don’t seem any better off then the rest of us…They don’t wear Choos…they are usually wearing some scary ass glitter stilletto heels that they got at a costume shop…(hookers in LA are so classless…)…perhaps I’ll start seeking out more hookers, do a sociology study on the physiology of hookers…if anyone wants to help me with my study and knows how to write grants to get “research” money…please contact me…(scientists these days get money to study why dudes like to have sex with chicks in stillettos and why dogs piss on fire hydrants….so why not conduct a study everyone will be interested in and not mind spending their tax dollars on…) 

* Getting the axe = to lose ones job in an often times, unsavory manner.

**  Manolo Blahniks = Ridiculously expensive shoes made popular on “Sex in the City”…kind of ugly and not worth the money…(sorry fashionistas…you are just a poser if you like these shoes anyways…)

***  Santee Alley = A place in downtown Los Angeles known as the fashion district….everything there is wholesale; fashion deisgners and people who own clothing stores go there and buy stuff for dirt cheap, then go back to their store or wherever they came from and charge people triple or more for the same stuff…normal folks generally either a. don’t know about the alley or b. are too scared to go there…(it’s a little rough and you will more than likely get pick pocketed unless you are street)

****  Sex in the City = A gawd awful show about a bunch of old washed-up broads who have nothing better to do than eat lunch and talk about dudes that dumped them…they all worked seemingly glamorous jobs which afforded them lavish lifestyles but still were desperately depressed and always feeling sorry of themselves…hour long episodes revolved around someone breaking a nail or getting a bad dye job…sometimes, it would get real dramatic and someone would get their period at a public event and they would contemplate suicide over it.  Very riveting (I use sarcasm often)