Don’t touch the hair creep…

On American Airlines, a few weeks ago a woman was traveling betwix Dallas and Los Diablos.  She woke up to some guy ejaculating in her hair.  Oops!  Faux Pas…

First of all; she said she saw him doing the handy handy and ignored him at first and looked out the window.  Um, if I see some dude on an airplane next to me with his junk hanging out and he’s fondling it…I’m dumping some (I mean accidently spilling) some damn coffee on that shit…oops, sorry dude.  I hope I didn’t ruin your flight…on the bright side though; I burned off all those genital warts; so I think you owe me a few cocktails.  Your welcome.

Secondly of all; if the coffee doesn’t work…I will simply point and laugh hysterically while alerting the other passengers to the superb show of hands (literally) they are missing out on…I will also take pictures and video for youtube.com  Might as well send a nice vacation video home to the family.

So then the dude is doing his stuff…and somehow; he got his little swimmers high enough to jump onto her head?  This is just simple geometry but wouldn’t he have to be standing to get the ejaculation juice into her hair unless it is some sort of super sperm flying around the plane. 

Another word of wisdom; if you happen to notice someone jerking off next to you on an airplane…DON’T FUCKING FALL ASLEEP.  Stay the fuck awake for that shit…WHO THE FUCK FALLS ASLEEP ANYWAYS ON THE PLANE?  Hasn’t anyone here ever been pickpocketed?  or ejaculated on their face while asleep on the plane? 

Don’t ignore the guy having a circle jerk by himself; address the situation…by laughter or sharp objects and/or scalding hot beverages…this is a problem that won’t end happy (except for him)…Next tip; don’t fall asleep and make yourself vulnerable to facials and/or hair conidtioning treatments via above-mentioned deviant.  

OH yeah, if you do encounter someone who jerks off next to you with reckless abandon and nothing stops them…do not, I repeat do not let them get above your head to ejaculate on your hair unless you need a really good conditioner and you have really bad split ends…then consider it.  Otherwise; when you see him getting to stand up on the chair to ejaculate on your head…scream or shield yourself with Skymall magazinge (most people with social graces ejaculate into the magazine like normal people…) hence the sticky pages…god I hate that damn magazine…I’m always very afraid to touch it or even brush against it lightly…I digress…

If you do get ejaculated on the head with no avail to stop…please sue for more than a few dollars…this chick is suing for a few dollars…barely getting enough money after court costs and lawyer fees to take another airplane flight.     So I guess the problem is solved then.

Happy Air Travel…

“We” won the game!!! (Do you really think you helped the team win?)

I’m walking with my dog and a buddy in the hood the other day.  There is a building by my apt. whereupon; they throw events…sometimes they are ravs, other times you might stumble across a high fashion runway show and still others; a Bar Mitzvah…on this particular day, it was just that. 

A bunch of fancy ladies and dudes running around in their beenie hats.*  Hence a Bar Mitzvah.   We walk by and my dog sits and stares at the patrons longingly…(mostly because they had food and that is pretty much his only goal in life; to get food)…Then a man, a deranged man is on his cell phone screaming at the top of his lungs; “WE WON”!!  ‘I can’t believe WE fucking won”…Fuck yeah, WE are the best.    WE are going all the way baby.  We, We, We…

I’m listening to the extremely loud telephone converation thinking; (which I verbalized later to my friend)…this guy thinks he was a part of the WE in team.  This guy actually is taking credit for the Lakers winning their game.  He is including himself as a part of the team…WE won…(you did?…I thought you were attending a Bar Mitzvah…how the hell did you help the team win?)  It’s baffling to me.

I even got to thinking; if I actually went and hunted down a few of the Laker’s team members and asked them; “Did a man in a beenie hat at a Bar Mitzvah help you guys win the game?  I don’t even think he was watching the game to be honest…But he is claiming that WE won…meaning he is indeed a part of the team that triumphed to win.  I’m pretty sure the Lakers would not agree that he helped them win in any way, shape or form.

So next time someone takes credit for a team’s win by inserting a bunch of unwarranted WE’s into the convo; you need to ask if the team feels that he or she is a contributing source directly correlated to their winning?  There is nothing worse that an overweight, grown man in a beenie taking credit for your win, for your years of hard work and service.  It’s just not fair.  Thank you for your support in this matter.  Sports teams all over the globe thank you as well…

* I realize that damn beenie is also called a yamika and I mean no disrespect to the beenie.     

Advice for guys picking up Hoes and vice versa….You’re welcome…

If you are a dude reading this; I’m here to help you with some tips about the broads…The first one is obvious; hygiene…shower, brush your teeth and wear nice clothes…pretty simple and fairly obvious…Now for the other stuff; when you first meet a broad; don’t be telling her about all the money you make…because we know if you SAY you make a ton of money; you actually make none and are compensating for the fact that you are a broke-ass mofo that can’t get chicks…therefore; using monitary value as a way to manipulate and make her like you…On another note; if you just meet a chick and tell her you make a ton of loot; you are also saying to her; “hey, you are a shallow bitch who will only like me if I have money”…that is just plain rude!  

Okay, on to the next thing…if you are over 22 and still live at home…leave that off the resume…it will raise eyebrows and some questions as to your financial stability and may indicate some sort of weird Oedipus Complex.  (unless there is extinuating circumstances; like family illness…yeah, that’s a good one; if you live at home; tell her it’s ‘cuz someone is dying and needs you to take care of them!!) Also, don’t mention if you live in a studio apartment with your mom (I know someone who does this…but I won’t name names; Hey Jerod in Santa Monica..wussup?) or any roomate whatsoever!!!  This just suggests creepiness on a whole new level!I say this because my sister and I lived in a studio apartment and we told NO ONE!!!  Even when we had people over; we insisted that the “closet” was a bedroom; therefore; feigning that it was indeed a one-bedroom apartment…but we weren’t exactly lying; it was a one ROOM apartment…there was literally ONE ROOM; the one you were standing in!   

Next, if you buy the broad a drink…don’t put roofies in it..when she passes out and throws up and has to call a friend to take her home; she will know it’s YOU!!  Especially if she’s only had half a drink and you were the only fuck that bought her a drink…So trust me when I tell you to save the roofies for the second or third meeting…Don’t compliment her over zealously on her eyes..that is so played; she’ll see right through it…besides this can get really uncomfortable if she has a glass eye or some other weird eye deformity…(a girl with a glass eye used to cheat off me in high school…which was a great cover; cuz I never knew she was actually looking at my paper…so if you are a teenager and not too sharp; you might wanna consider the glass eye alternative)…

The best thing you can do; is be funny…work up an act…a comedy routine…use props if you have to…I mean, look at Carrot top; he’s a hit with the ladies….maybe incorporate some chainsaw juggling or a midget.  It’s a sure fire winner!I guarantee the chick will remember you and if she doesn’t give you her number; you can give her yours so she can hire you as entertainment at the next Halloween party…so win/win…you make money and then you can slowly infiltrate your way into her life…via performing your “act” at her future parties…

The last thing I’m going to leave you with regarding the bitches and hoes is; they like stalkers.  Yes, I’m serious…chicks LOVE stalkers!!  It means you really like them and take the time to stalk them and watch their every move and find out intricate things about their lives; like where they live, their phone number, shoe size, the names and ages of everyone in their families…all of their neighbors and every move they make through out the day…I’m telling you; chicks love this!!  It shows undying dedication and loyality….I mean, you gotta love someone that takes that much time out of their busy day to stalk your every move, right?   

So if everything else fails; try stalking; I guaran-fucking-tee you!!  It’ll work everytime!!  Then everytime you fight; you can always play the “I stalked you for two years everyday outside your window” card and then she will immediately admit to wrong doing due to your “loyality” and “dedication” to stalking her…Good luck with the bitches yo! 

OKAY GIRLS; Your turn for my highly valued advice!!  When you go out with a guy for the first time; stay away from telling him these things…that you use drugs; (even if it’s only vicodin and prozac or glue sniffing) even if it is only recreationally on the weekends; (until he’s madly in love with you)…don’t ask for his sperm (think David Crosby style..) until the third or fourth date…(it will scare them away and for some reason; guys covet their sperm, ((coveting is a sin, by the way))…I have a “friend” who this happened to)  Don’t tell him you have severe mental illnesses or that you have a few schizophrenics in the family…(it just raises more red flags)

Stay away from the fact that your mother has been married and divorced 4 of 5 times (you lose track after a while)…another red flag; I mean, after all, you are cut from the same cloth…(unless you are me; I’m adopted)Pretty much; tell them you are into church and worshipping the lord…(keep the Wiccan practices under wraps FOREVER)…tell them you like the beach and art…and are into scrapbooking and cooking….these things should at least get you to a second date….After that you are on your own ‘cuz I’ve never had a second date so I’m not well-equipped to advise anyone after that…Good luck! 

Lost Cell Phone…

Some freaking fool lost their cell phone at my place of employment the other night.  I decide to rifle through and see if this dude knows anyone worth knowing.  Ah ha….I find Lt. Money, pluto, playground, jugguwagga and Shifty dawg…they all seem like viable important people to know…I ponder giving them a jingle to see if the owner of the cell phone is around.

Then I see Lil’ Mama and thought; hmm, maybe I should call his mom first….so I call Lil’ Mama who gets real pisst and shouts; “Who dis biatch answing my boo’s cell, I cut you bitch”…so I decide that his mom is obviously ovulating and I decide it is best to call back another day.

I decide crib is a good number to call; I dial up crib and damn it; I couldn’t get any mother fucker on the cell phone…they would say; “hello, who dis?” and Of course I’d say funny little things like; “Your parole officer, or the DEA” and I guess they didn’t get the joke and hung up right away.  Humorless bastards.

I then decide that I’m gonna try that Liuetenant Money guy…cuz I figure if there is someone worth knowing; it’s someone who appears to be in charge of some sort of monitary issues.  So I dial up the Lt. of Money…I ask him for a loan and he gets all defensive and asks if I’m a shark…he’s got the money by friday…cool I say; what’s your address? and he wants to meet me behind some dumpster at Ralph’s…that seems a little sketchy to me…

But I jot down the info…I figure Lt. Money didn’t get the name for being a lofty shady fucker.  So he’s gotta be worth his title, right?

I called Juggawagga to see if Lt. Money was a man of his word…and Juggawaagga told me he was going to cap my ass and have me dining on some bullets.  I wasn’t real hungary right now; (maybe later) and as for my ass; I’ll get my colonoscopy; don’t you worry about my ass juggawagga…I’m pretty sure you have bigger problems; like Lt. Money robbing your joint, pawning all your shit and bringing me money behind some shitty grocery store cuz he thinks I’m the mob/loan shark…It’s cool juggawagga; we’ll meet under more savory circumstances some day…don’t sweat it little buddy.

So now I paruse through this dudes pictures on his phones…I figure there must be some sort of tell tale sign of what kind of character would leave his phone flayling around for sketchy fucks like myself to get ahold of….bingo!  Naked pics of some very hairy, large woman…I send them to Lil’ Mama and Lt. Money in hopes for a return response of “LOL”…

I never got my big LOL…instead more threats of bodily harm and malice.  I was hurt.  I just wanted to connect with my lost cell phone guy’s friends…Was that so bad?  Well, I put all these interesting numbers in my own cell phone for future reference…(note to all my friends who have ran off and got married and moved to the suburbs…this is what you’ve driven me to…craigslist didn’t work for new friends…now I’ve got to steal cell phones and befriend other people’s friends…thanks a lot goddamn it.)

Anyways, juggawagga sent me a text about orange nikes and disco biscuits…sounds like a nice sunday buffet; I’ll definately try and make that engagement.  Lil’ Mama is having a snowball party…never been to one of those but I’m sure it’s charming….Lt. Money is having strawberry quik and cheez mixed with a little fudge packing and salad tossing…

I never realized I befriended foodies with  this cell phone friend stealing I’ve done…I wonder if Rachael Ray was in there…I shoulda kept adding friends…Rachizzle Razzle dazzle bitch making the fives and the tens on the grillz with the skillz to make the brizzle…word…       

  

Where’s the beef?

I was at the store the other day minding my own business.  There is a woman screaming at the tippy top of her lungs; “Where’s the beef?”…at first, I thought she was asking someone a question on the phone and trying to be funny…I peek around the corner and there is no cell phone peice hanging out of her ear…just a whole lotta pregnancy tests…which she appears to be angry at.

She is screaming Where’s the beef, at boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests and then beating them up.  Punching them and kicking them angrily.  I notice drones of store clerks walking by to peep out the action as well…they are as confused as I am at this display of social graces.

She continued for another hour (the entirty of my store visit) screaming; “where’s the beef” and throwing pregnancy tests around…then someone tried to ask her to leave and she threw pregnancy tests at him declaring; “where’s the beef”…it was the most bizard thing…I can’t quite make any sense of it at all…unless that was her mating call…some sort of plea for some proverbial “beef”?

If so; that is a horrible way to attract attention…but effective I must admit.  She had plenty of dudes clamoring about trying to remedy her alleged “beef” absence situation…At this point; I think they would do whatever she wanted to just get her the hell out of the store and to stop brutilizing the pregnancy tests….

She left just as I did so I was bestowed with one more shout of ; “where’s the beef”*…I’m not sure if she thinks it’s 1985 when that strange commercial came out or if she is legitimately hungary and indeed; wanting some beef…maybe she is lacking in some vitamins and minerals? 

* Plenty of people actually did point her in the area of the meat section of the store…she didn’t laugh or make any attempts to find the “beef” the is spoken so fondly of in above-mentioned blog.   

Fashion Week takes on Los Diablos…

It’s a highly anticipated week in the city of angels!  Fashion week and the fashionistas were out in full force this Spring!  From new designers like Nicki Hilton and Gwen Stefani to the staples like Vera Wang and Tom Ford, everyone is looming and wrenching with excitement over what next seasons styles will culminate to be! I of course am no different and only living a few blocks away from the illustrious fashion district; decide to head over there to see what people are indeed wearing this season! Boy oh boy did I find some new innovative styles!  As far as I could see; shabby sheik was definitely a go this season!  From the half a dozen or so bums I saw sporting this amazing new high fashion look consisting of long johns, cargo pants and underwear worn over them!  Sexy and hot for this new season.  Wow, LA really goes all out for the shabby sheik look, don’t they?