Pregnant MAN on Oprah…

This guy is making news all over the place and of course; whenever something happens to you that people think is noteworthy…hmmmm, where do you go?  Yes, you end up on Oprah so she can make a buck off you and sensationalize your situation and act all concerned for you and your welfare.

So of course; Mr. pregnant man goes on Oprah.  Now technically, he is not a man…he is a she (very confusing)…The dude (damn I alrealdy forgot his name….but he’s from Bend, Organ which makes me wonder what is in their water…In LA, we have drugs in our water…maybe they have hormones in theirs?)… 

He was a young beauty queen…prancing and frolicking on the stage and in the spotlight of the warm glow of the bask of the public’s adoring attention.  I’m sure he was charming (or not, because he’s a pretty scary looking dude…)…So he grows up and decided to have his chesticles chopped off…and decides to drink some special water with lots of hormones in it to grow some facial hair.  (I secretly think he was just trying to get into the moustache institute cuz it’s all the rage nowadays to be affiliated with those folks…google it, it’s pretty damn funny)

So then he married a chick (doesn’t that make them both lesbians…which is fine…if they were both somewhat attractive however…the man is a hairy, large, looks like he might have halitosis, lice and scabies)…so now at age 34; he decides he wanted to have a kid.  His wife told him; “Look dude, I already had two damn kids and they are grown up and I’m so glad those bitches are out of the house…I ain’t doing it again…besides, damn look at my post pregnancy body….this shit doens’t come without hard work asshole”….(that is the conversation I’m imagining)….So he says, “I’ve always wanted that pregnancy glow everyone is taking about…I need the complexion boost”…and I really can’t afford these hormone pills anymore so I’m just gonna stop taking em and see what the hell happens…

So his wife, goes to the local glory hole and gets some “deposits” via syringe and petri dish from some lucky candidiates…she injects the husband/man/woman herself$%^&&…HUH?  Don’t you have to be licensed or something? 

He is now six months knocked up and super excited and even more so cuz he’s on Oprah…Oprah says; “he is an inspiring speciman to diversity”…sure Oprah…whatever you say.  Oprah could say that we should publically hang him and tar and feather his wife; and all her viewers would be like; “YES YES YES OPRAH…good idea..let’s do it”…ON A REALITY SHOW!!! 

Now that he’s tackled the big O (all of them I guess…EW)  We (the general public) can look forward to him/her/hermaphrodite being seen everywhere…if he gets a hangnail after the pregnancy; he’ll be on Oprah and Maury and Jerry.  If the kid is a hermy; whooooo…finally a hermaphrodite reality show to make sure the diversity continues with the American public…I’m personaly keeping my fingers crossed that they have like six-eight kids like those folks in Iowa…

Icing on the cake would be the ratio of hermaphrodites is more than the ratio of not…Keep your fingers crossed for this exciting diversified family to grace us with their presence for years to come…and to encourage more hermys to have kids and confuse them even more than most kids are in this big bad world we reside in. 

On a sidebar; is the pregnant Dad going to be called Dad/Mad/Mod/Dom/Mom/Dam (you know like those cutsy names the press invented for lamos like Bennifer, Brangelina, etc…)  I personnally would encourage them to go with DOM…that way they can work in some more damn diversity by also incorporating their alternative lifestyle of DOM/SUB…cuz you know those fools are all up into beating the crap out of each other…

Hermys and Dom’s…I like the new-found direction the world is heading…that is something I can really get on board with!    

Social Experimentation…

So it was brought to my undivided attention the other day that I am the world’s foremost social experiementation artist.  I realize that my sole purpose for being and coexisting with other homo sapiens is to conduct various and vast, extensive social and physcological experiements.

Now I sure didn’t want this gig…but apparently it’s been forced upon me by some unseen force unbeaqueathed to me.  I’m thrown in situations unlike those of normal humans and forced to figure it the fuck out and then of course; share my social knowledge with others of similar plights of fancy. 

As of late; I’ve encountered some interesting situations…I psycho-analyze them and study them with fruitful vengence and then I share my findings and so far I’ve realized that I’m quite the social anthropologist.  

It’s nice and enjoyable to have such experimentation and studies at your imminent disposable but at the same time it’s somewhat unnerving and it ruins your chance of ever achieving normal interaction with abovoe-mentioned homo sapiens.  I’ve realized there is only a few prototypes of people and most of them generally fall into their proverbial destination and make very little effort to break the mold from that.

I’m currently writing my third book which will include extensive studies of all humans in all walks of life…personality types and situations encountered and all the unanswered questions that may arise about any and all social situations and interactions involved with such.  You will be able to safely walk the streets of South Central and then later head to the burbs and thrive in each environment equally.

A large portion of the book will be to bring people together from different cultures, backgrounds and varying circumstances related to their nature vs. nurture upbringing and molds that shape their existence. 

Like right now; there is a guy stealing money out of my parking meter…he probably grew up the son of an abusive, unadulterated meter maid.  He is angry at the world and the meters all over the city.  He is beating that mother fucker and attempting to pick the lock and wow, now he’s got a baseball bat and beating it right now…I’m watching patiently knowing that now he is doing quite the public service.  He is getting himself a few quarters to buy a rock from across the street and now I won’t have to put money in that damn meter.  You and others may see him as a social deviant or even violent but I don’t; I see him as a kind-hearted renegade public servant.  

There is also a man outside my window in a purple turban screaming at an imaginary person…he is really angry…telling that fake person that they are the spawn of the devil and a robot designged by the governement to keep us down.  You may see him as a crazy mentally deranged psychopath…I do not however, I see him as a talented, up and coming actor.  This is best goddamn theatre I’ve seen in a long time.

I’m going to go outside now though and pretend to be the imaginary person so it will seem slightly more acceptable with the screaming and such…I’m like a stand in for the imaginary satan’s spawn…I will perhaps introduce him to the meter vandalizer and they can team up and make a fun duo…like Batman and Robin minus the tights and caps…and gay love affair.

         

Kaiser Permanente kills (just like crack)

Kaiser Permanente wants you to know they will keep you alive a long time…

long enough to at least dump you on skid row if they get sick of you and your petty little illness. 

There is a commercial on TV now with an old dude…but you don’t know he’s old at first.  There is a snappy song, (one of those feel good soul songs from the 60’s) and a pair of feet wearing snappy shoes, Chuck Taylors with some equally snappy socks.  The feet are happy feet….walking, trolling and dancing and occassionally kicking their heels up in the air with glee.

Then the camera pans up the body and you find out it’s an old man and he’s really happy cuz he’s walking the streets after having been treated by Kaiser Permanente.  First of all; did they JUST treat him…like five minutes ago and then dumped him off on skid row or the MacArthur Park area…the neighborhood eerie-like reminded me of both or at least one of those hoods.  Hmmmm…then the song continues to tell us that he’s gonna live forever and ever…(kind of like in Fame…without the performing art school)…

He is smiling and waving and doing acrobatics…now the acrobatics is a bit far…I mean, dude, simmer down…you just left Kaiser permanente; let’s not get too nuts and have you go back for more medical care.  By the way; what meds did they give you…??  No one leaves any hospital especially a crappy like like KP and is filled with that much glory and jubilance.

I also must add that it’s ironic that Kaiser permanente is bragging about keeping people alive when they are so well known for killing people…letting them sit around, croak and most importantly of all; mistreating and beating up the patients.  Hmmmmmm….good job keeping them alive…I figure that their staff must think; if they can sustain our beatings, lets throw em back on the street…they can endure anything and this fucker ain’t dying anytime soon..let’s not waste our time on him.  He can fend for himself.  Let’s give him some fancy sneakers, put a Richard Simmons pair of shorts and tank top on him and a headband and send him out into the streets to sing the praises of our downtrodden reputation we have for killing old people.   He’s old, he’s alive…stop your bitching Americans…

The very end of the commercial; this old man who has been bopping about all excited to be alive because Kaiser Permanente didn’t kill him (which is a more accurate assessment of the situation…he’s happy NOT cuz they kept him alive…but because they did NOT KILL him like they normally do and he actually made it out alive…who cares if you’re on skid row…you’re alive and out of KP, damn it…sing sing sing…even do some crip walking if you are extra thankful)

I digress…at the end of the commercial…he jumps up in the air…and then comes down and does the splits…the Chinese splits…oy vey!  Then the commercial is done.  WAIT, you mother fuckers…you know if he made it out of KP…he’s going back…god knows he suffered from some serious sciatic nerve damage after that manuever…that is not safe for anyone who hasn’t stretched properly…let alone an old man who just got out of the hospital…he’s going back to KP…hopfully he can get out alive this time; but I doubt it…that will be the last commercial you ever see him in again…

Also slightly curious if this is their new way of making old people pay their hospital bill…Free medicare for everyone…but first you have to wear a monkey suit around skid row and sing and dance and do dangerous acrobatics…If you live through the stunts, rampid gunfire, muggings, and the Chinese splits at the end of the commercial, after jumping 30 feet in the air with your fancy sneakers; then we are square, your bill is null and void.  We do however, still own your soul and those Chuck Taylors we let you borrow for the commercial shoot…please return those by 5pm this evening…

Buying Breast Milk On-line!

The other day I’m perusing through craiglist.com looking for other necrepheliac hermaphrodite lovers with lepresy…and I stumble across an unusual ad that caught my eye.  BARGAIN BASEMENT PRICE ON FRESH BREAST MILK! 

Oh boy; it must be my lucky day…I’ve been searching and searching…scouring the stores both far and wide; for FRESH BREAST MILK…boy am I super fantastically glad I found that ad!!  I was ready to give up on my breast milk search!! 

I do have a few small inquiries though about this above-said breast milk…like for instance; if you are in the market for buying BREAST MILK…do you really wanna be buying the Bargain BASEMENT brand??  I mean, that could mean just about anything..I mean I’VE SEEN the bargain basement type clothing places and they are mismatched…one leg longer than the other…the seams come out…the pants split right down the keister crack and so on and so forth…so if that is an example of Bargain basement clothing…imagine what kind of ailments the breast milk must be suffering from….Is it perhaps from a semi-retarded person who is missing a few chromosomes?  Or maybe once you drink it; you immediately go into spontaneous convulsions whereupon you bite your tongue off causing you to become a mute for the rest of your existance?  These are very valid questions…maybe the breast milk splits your stomach open…maybe it turns you into a Partridge family church member…You gotta be carfeful with this bargain basement shit… 

Although I’m not a breast milk connisseur; I do however; advise you to not opt for the bargain basement brand…spend the extra quarter; your innerds will thank you!!

One last thought to note; The breast milk is FRESH…as oppossed to the ROTTON shit they sell???  Does the headline usually say; “Rotton smelly mold-infested breast milk for sale”…so now they are so ridiculously excited that the breast milk isn’t smelly or rotten; they really really gotta highlight the FRESH adjective…at least you can be rest assured the breast milk will be fresh though ‘cuz I’ve  heard  though the grapevine; that the old rotten crumped up breast milk…can be as addictive as crack-cocaine…

So let’s just say; you are having trouble finding breast milk and you resort to craigslist.com for all your breast milk needs…by the time they ship it; will it still really be FRESH??  Or do you meet someone in a dark alley to make the deal…you must only bring cash and put it in a suitcase and leave it next to the dumpster behind the 711…the breast milk will be waiting for you in a blue duffle bag…how does that work?  I bet there is some sort of underground breast milk selling ring that we are all walking around oblivious to….people selling it and buying it ILLEGALLY…maybe even injecting into their veins to get a better rush…maybe they are cutting the breast milk with milk of magnesia…oh my gawd!!  Such a cruel cruel world we live in…having to resort to such measures to get FRESH goddamn Breast MiLK…it’s making a criminal out of ALL of us Breast milk addicts…

Lesson to be learned…if you are having trouble finding breast milk at your local Korean bodega or random prostitutes you know having some extra laying around…CHECK THE INTERNET!!  IT’S FRESH!! 

I HAVE SINGL-HANDEDLY SOLVED THE GAS CRISIS BUT I CAN’T GET ANYONE TO LISTEN OR GIVE ME A GOVERNMENT LOAN TO PROCEED WITH MY PLAN

So listen up…we are all roasted up about the fucking gas prices, right??  I’ve single handedly devised a way to solve the problem!!  I’m very proud of this…I just need to get one of those government loan type things so I can proceed with my evil world gas take-over plan…booohahahha (that’s my evil laugh…everyone needs an evil laugh, by the way)…

Here it goes…so I’ve decided…what does the world have an over-abundance of??  Stuff that is just laying around and no one is really using or recycling…hmmmm…Eureka!!  SPERM…you got it!!

It’s fucking everywhere (pun intended) and no one is using it…it just sits there going to waste…on the bathroom stall walls, cheap hourly motels, and fast food chefs depositing it into the food…it’s so fucking wasteful to let it go unused…I mean, I feel sick with guilt just thinking about it; downright crestfallen, in fact…So I decided it’s HIGH time we started using it for something instead of just letting it rot and dwindle away into the vast abyss…Are ya with me? 

All that sperm that goes to waste everyday should be recycled and used for something useful…why not to run a car??  Here is the invention…a car that runs on sperm!  I’ve thought this through carefully and it is freaking genius…not only will I solve the gas crisis but the economy of the world will improve…

Let me explain…so we’ve come to the conclusion that there is a lot of extra unwanted sperm floating around out there, right?  Well, you simply use it for your gas tank…I suppose you could scrap it off the bed sheets and whatnot…but it would actually be easier if after you are done doing whatever the hell you do; you simply run out to your car and ejaculate into the gas tank…that way, nothing goes to waste you see…(it is also in some circles a good form of birth control…so not only are you saving money; you are also doing a little population control).

Also, homeless people everywhere would be able to make money…let’s say you are like me; a single female driving down the road and oh my gawd…empty gas tank…fuck!!  Oh wait…there is a freeway ramp up there…this is where the homeless come in…they stand on the freeway ramps waiting to ejaculate into your gas tank…and you give them a dollar or two and be on your merry way…SEE, everybody wins!  They make money, you fill your gas tank…all the while everyone enjoys themselves…an easy seamless gasoline transaction just occurred!!

Think about this fellows; you lose your job…what am I going to do now?  Bada Bing; I will simply become a “gas station” attendant…just go head over to the nearest freeway ramp and you’ve got yourself a booming career in the gasoline engineering field…without those pesky student loans!

Okay, so you are thinking…what if it takes this above-said homeless dude a while to ejaculate…easy again…you could simply carry porn with you to stimulate his “gas producing mechanism” or flash him…that way, you may not even have to give him the dollar or two…FREE GAS is always good!!

Also, let’s say you are in a rush to work and you don’t have the time to scour the freeway ramps in search of horny bums with extra sperm milling around…simply wake up; knock on the neighbor’s door and ask him politely to “fill er up”…if you were so ambitious too; you could start asking all your neighbors to start filling up jugs for you and carry them in your trunk as “back-ups”…you never know when you’ll need that extra sperm to make it home…

So let’s stop wasting unwanted sperm and recycle it…if you want to help me invent this car that runs on sperm..please write to the appropriate government officials to get me my loan for this economically savvy plan!!

Thank you!!