When I lived In Kansas City; I was always looking for ways to make extra money. So when my friend Sally moved to Portland; it worked out perfect that I would take over her house sitting job. I came “highly recommended” (using the term loosely) to the Christian couple who were neurosurgeons to house sit for them by Sally.
They were gone at least one week every month and sometimes more. I thought “sweet tits, what a gig”. They lived in a fancy pants mansion in the nice area of town and they had three foo-foo “show” dogs and a ridiculously large mansion.
I was pretty fired up about house sitting for them and they “appeared” to fancy me as well. (I guess I fool a lot of people into thinking I’m normal somehow?) So a few days before my first big “house sitting” gig; I’m instructed to come over to the house to get the “rules”…Oy vey, somewhere in the back of my head a red flag went up when I heard the dreaded word “rules”…but fuck; they paid 250 a week and I needed the dough.
So I hop into my stylish upscale 1994 Ford Escort and tool over to their pad. There is at least three security gates I must get through in order to actually arrive at my destination…What a pain in the ass…I think after the first couple of gates; the damn robbers would give up anyways. So I make my way to the house for the “rules” rundown session.
The lady answers the door…(the step ford wife)…She looks like a freaking Sunday school teacher/quilt knitting type of broad. My first impressions were right on ‘cuz after I entered the house; I saw at least four pictures of jesus in full view after only entering the first room of the house; and then I knew for certain I was in trouble…The dogs (the show dogs) greeted me heartily by sniffing my crotch and ass where upon; jesus lady scolded them. I knew I’d have a great comradeship with the dogs and I felt they sensed the same from me. In fact; when they gazed at me; I saw them begging to be free. Free from this jesus lady and her crazy strict rules and their gay show dog lifestyle. They probably felt much the same that the tiger that attacked Roy from Siegfried and Roy felt when he attacked Roy…Fed up with the bullshit!
I was their Jesus Christ.
Moving along; she gives me a tour of the joint which took forever and I was told which rooms I wasn’t allowed in and what I could and could not do but do you think I was listening at all? HELL NO…I still couldn’t get past the alarming overabundance of jesus pictures and Christian propaganda littering the household. I was highly offended!!!
And in my head I was thinking the whole time; “The first thing I’m gonna do is get those damn deprived dogs some Taco Bell”…poor things.
Apparently I put up a good front as to the “listening” to the “rules” ‘cuz the Christian soccer mom broad seemed pretty confident about having me “house sit” and even gave me a key and all the codes on the gates. Upon leaving the house; I wasn’t quite as fired up about house sitting as previously expressed…most of all; cuz I didn’t listen to a damn thing she was yapping about for the past three hours. Fuck it, how hard can it be anyways?
So a few days later, instead of going home after work…I head to the big “mansion”…of course; making a stop to Taco Bell first ‘cuz the dogs needed to eat. The lady only wanted them to eat one cup of this raunchy ass organic healthy dog food a day…they must be famished, I thought. So I got them each an order of Nachos Grande and they each got a beef taco, a chicken taco and a burrito…and an order of cinnastix to wash it all down!!! I couldn’t wait to feed the dogs their new diet food!!! So I make my way over yonder, get through all the damn gates somehow, all the while rifling through my purse like madman trying to find those freaking codes…couldn’t they have just made them all 666?
So I enter my “new home” for the week and the dogs greet me at the door like I’m none other than the Christ child himself…and don’t ya know it? They just know I have a feast for them!! So I get out all the grub and they eat heartily…it was the happiest day of their lives! I could just tell! Little did I remember what Mexican food does to humans but did ya know…it does the same to dogs? Boy oh boy did I find that one out when they crawled into bed with me later that night…that was rough but I battled it out knowing in the end I was doing a humanitarian service for the dogs and their deprived palettes.
So day two or three rolls around (ya lose track living in a house that big)…and I decide to have my friend Patti over. I want to impress her with my “house”…so she comes over and we hang out and mock the jesus pictures and whatever other oddities there is lurking in the house. Then we decide to check out their computer ‘cuz there is no getting to know a person better than snooping on their computers…I was secretly hoping to find their porn stash on the computer but no such luck…man, they were real good at hiding the porn, it was probably behind the jesus pictures all along, damn it…I never thought to look there…(probably what they are counting on with all their guests)..
So first I find that she calls herself “DB” on line which I’m sure meant her initials but of course I went for the obvious “dumb bitch”…and decided to sign on as “DB” or rather “Dumb Bitch”…all in the name of fun! So I check her chat rooms which are all “Christian” chat…Knitting chat…dog chat (little did I know this room would ROCK)…so of course I want to meet DB’s friends, see what kind of a person she was…ya know…so I enter the “christian chat room” and all of the sudden I’m flooded with “god bless”, “hi DB”, “how are things with your depression DB”, “is the lord blessing you db”…for Christ’s sake; (literally)…every goddamn jesus freak in the room seemed to know DB…This was not good. I had to put a stop to this nonsense immediately, especially if I was going to be DB for the next few days. So immediately I begin referring to her “chat buddies” as hookers…like “hey hooker” and “hey hooker, my depression would go away if you’d stop e-mailing me”, “god hates you and so do I”, and then I informed all of my “chat buddies” that they were to refer to me at “Dumb Bitch” and not DB anymore…to which they were astounded. I then continued to explain to them that I was bipolar and possessed by the devil so if I had crazy outbursts; I don’t remember anything I said to them because my medication hadn’t come in the mail yet…then I signed off and told them I was going to masturbate to my jesus pictures on the living room wall. I think they enjoyed that although their reactions proved otherwise.
So next I hop into the knitting room where upon I made myself known by saying; “does anyone have any dirty needles I could share?”…I don’t think the knitting chatters got the joke. Either they aren’t familiarized with heroin humor or they are real possessive about their needles, not to mention neat freaks. Then DB’s friends ask what I’ve been knitting to which I reply that I’m busy knitting nooses for my kids and husband for X-mas. Another witty comment wasted on those knitting folks. Then they ask why “anyone in their right mind” would want one of those things? SEE, it all goes back to the mental well-being…so then I explain that I’m bi-polar and such and that I ran out of medication and blah blah blah…to which the knitting ladies are horrified about my bi-polar/multi-personality. whatever other mental illness I threw in there…but the knitting ladies were upset that I was suffering with all of these mental illnesses and never mentioned it until now….
Man, was I good or what? DB had some real good supporters in that needles knitting room…they were all going to send cakes and stuff…maybe I could have them address them to the dogs, knowing how hungry and starved they were.
Next and final chat room to invade before heading off to Taco Bell for the dogs…(they need a bar run too, even though no one was drinking or drunk…I still felt they should experience ‘bar run” food at 2am in the morning)…So the final chat room is the dog chat room which I knew I could have fun in there…I start off small by telling everyone about how much I love my dogs…(mind you, these people are other show dog weirdoes that actually know DB in person and see her at the gay dog shows)…then I work up to the dogs sleeping in my bed with me…some of them did that too…then I mention that my husband is gone a lot and one time I got real horny and the dogs were a real big help, if you know what I mean…and then I got em!!! One person replied; “I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, YOU SICK’O”…then another replies that “DB, you are not that type of person” then another person went with the “animal cruelty” angle…to which I replied that; “my dog was asking for it. Walking around all sexy and scantily clad”…then one guy says he’s going to “kick my ass” next time he sees me at a dog show…oh boy, I wish I could be there for that reunion with DB…
So now I feel I’ve done my civic duty by connecting with DB’s friends…I didn’t want them to get lonely, I mean, she was going to be gone a whole week. They might think she’s dead if I don’t log on and keep up the chivalry. And so on and so forth the whole week goes by with me feeding the dogs Taco Bell…(sometimes Dell Taco or Taco Joes, to give them a little variety)…and then hanging out in the chat rooms and “connecting” with the chat buddies…or as I learned later…pissing them off.
That was about it…doesn’t seem like I could’ve caused too much harm…except for the fact that I told her priest that I was now worshipping Satan and have formed my own cult whereupon we have meetings in the garage every Wednesday and he was more than welcome to come by…well…come to think of it…I might’ve ordered them some penis enlarging cream and some depends undergarments…but who doesn’t need those things? One of the dogs might’ve gotten diarrhea on the couch from all the Taco Bell and another might’ve chewed up some shit like designer shoes but other than those small minor mishaps…I might’ve disabled some of the gate alarms too so I could get home easier and eaten all the candy and sweet stuff in the house.
But I was doing her a favor…she needed to lose a few pounds anyways. I might’ve accidentally told her son in Colorado that they were at a mental institution ‘cuz his mom was schizo all under the guise of being “on vacation”…I might’ve ordered them three hundred magazine subscriptions from a girl scout who made it through the gates all the way to the door… (I felt she should be rewarded for that effort)…but in my defense; one of the magazines was “Christianity today”…also a little playboy and hustler for the man of the house…wink wink
I couldn’t possibly think that anything was that screwed up, right???????
So they come back and I don’t hear anything for like a week…no money, no “hey we’re back”…nothing…I’m not too concerned ‘cuz I know they have the money to pay me and I figure if they decided not to for some odd reason…I still have house keys and I figure I’ll just head over there and steal 250 dollars worth of stuff and we’ll call it even. For some odd reason; at the time that seemed completely rational and normal…
So then finally I get a phone call from the mom aka DB and she wants to know what I was feeding the dogs ‘cuz they won’t eat their dog food anymore…dagnabit, I knew I spoiled them…gave them a taste of the good life and now they can’t go back to that shitty dog slop. So I told her and I even told her their special Taco Bell order, in case she was thinking about heading over there to get them some food. She was mortified, much to my dismay…I was expecting a “thank you”…or maybe a “wow, you really love the dogs” but no no no…none of the above…I got mortification. I don’t deserve that. Then she says something about the dogs crapping all over the place and blah blah blah…
Then she asks if I got on the computer under her name? And I tell her “yes I did and a thank you is in order for me keeping up with your friends”…another reaction of pure mortification…WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THIS LADY? What an ungrateful bitch! You know…you try and try and try and in return…nothing! So at this point I’m so disappointed and upset about her ungrateful, selfish attitude now I just wanted my money.
She must’ve been reading my mind because she told me to come over and get my check and turn in my keys. So at this point I was happy to give the ungrateful self-servicing wench her keys back…but not after making a copy for the neighborhood bums…I like to help others! So I head over there and all the gate combinations are changed…gasp…can you believe that? This lady thinks I’m such a menace/danger to society or rather them…that she felt the need to change the combinations. I was offended…she’s lucky I’m so nice and easy-going.
So eventually after calling on the intercoms three times; I finally make it to the door and ring the door bell. She won’t even open the door…it is still chained and she opens it about an inch and asks for the key and shows me the check…I grab the check and run. Just kidding…I grab the check and give her the key. She quickly says; “thanks” and slams the door in my face. Well, I’ll be damned!!! Finally, the damn “thanks” I was looking for. I can finally sleep at night.
It’s a sad day in the world when you realize your back-up plan has been soiled. By this; I mean the good ol back-up plan of selling your kidney. That has been my proverbial 401K plan for years. Now poof; it’s gone. With one Phillippine official who feels it’s “exploiting” people. Boo, it’s not exploitation; it’s an opportunity damn it. Why be greedy with the kidneys when we have two of the goddamn things? I don’t mind forking one over for 5g’s. I don’t feel exploited. 