The Japanese mafioso are stealing our livers from UCLA…

Okay so stealing is a bit of a strench but check it; there is tons of people here in the wide world waiting patiently for a brand spankin’ new liver…waiting, pining and wishing and hoping for the day when their proverbial number comes up and they can get their long-awaited liver transplant.

Keep waiting buddy…we got some gang mafiosos from Japan that have more money than you that need livers so your new liver will have to take the back burner for a while until all the rich crime bosses in the world get new livers.  Tell that cirrhosis to hold it’s horses and simmer the fuck down…

Between 2000 and 2004, over one-hundred plus people died each year waiting around for a liver…becasue crime boss’ from Japan wanted livers so they could continue in their lofty careers.  I guess the doctor felt; hey the mafiocos will pay me, but these other poor saps are laid up in hospital beds…they have hospice or Kaiser…screw them for not becoming a crime boss…they took the wrong path in life and now they will suffer…(then he laughs his evil mad doctor laugh and holds a scalpel up in the air while throwing his head back in manical laughter).

Apparently Goto, who leads one of the largest Japanese gangs called Goto-gumi (sounds real scary…sounds like a rubbery candy). sold out some of his gang pals here in the US as part of the scam to get a new liver…then it turned out all the info he gave the US government to get this coveted liver was fake and he went trolling back to Japan laughing all the way to the organ donors office.

UCLA won’t comment on this but I will…they did say they based liver donations on the ability to pay and the healthy lifestyle led by donor.  Healthy lifestyle?  You are telling me that a mafioso Japanese crime boss has a HEALTHY lifestyle…what are the qualifications for healthy?  Carrying an uzi…is that equivalent to lifting weights?  Running from rival crime boss’…great cardio…hmmmmm…paying for the liver with drug money; hmmm I guess money is money whether it’s blood money or counterfeit money.

Never mind that poor dollar store owner from Blythe who has been lying here for 20 years waiting for his liver while his family lives on the WIC.  Yup, fuck the working class and their bunk livers…if they really wanted a liver, they would get off their lazy asses and start a crime ring or get their daughters to hook for a new liver.  Yup…they just didn’t want it bad enough.

    

 

Clay Gaykin knocked up an old lady?

HUH?  I accidentally heard this on TV in passing (I leave tV on cuz it speaks to the voices in my head, they get lonely sometimes)…He knocked up Jaymes Foster who was the executive producer on his album.  She is in her 50’s which is a super time to start a family, right around when they turn 18…you kick the bucket and they get to become a coke-head with your inheritance.  Good plan.

Atkin inpregnanted this chick via turkey baster.  Boy, would I have loved to be a fly on the wall for that romantic interlude.  They go out and get liquored up…go back to her place and starting fondling a turkey bastard…he ejaculates into it while she watches and then he injects his magical juice into her throbbing loins. (why am I not writing romance novels?)

Is this how germophobs have sex?  Or is it how gay closeted men who have a sugar-momma have sex with old cob-webbed infested old ladies who pay their rent?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

Leave the jesus people alone LAPD…

Normally when I see the jesus guy with the megaphone around downtown LA; I chuckle.  A lot of my friends really hate him and denounce his presence.  I personally think there is worse things he could be doing rather then yelling about jesus christo.  He could be mugging you, selling sex slaves or mixing up meth in his bathtube but NO; he is yelling about jesus.  I’ll take that over any of those other passtimes he could be doing.

There is a church in my neighborhood too…they don’t bother me either.  I really don’t mind people singing about jesus and praying to him and speaking in tongues.  However, not everyone agrees with my sediments.  For some weird reason; people are OFFENDED by the church going folks….WTF?  HELLO, you live in the hood where gangs shoot each other and crack-dealers break into your cars and the JESUS PEOPLE BOTHER YOU?

Let me explain…we have these neighborhood watch meetings whereupon the cops come and take complaints about the hood and try to beautify the hood.  The only cleaning up I see are the homeless guys peeing on car tires and sidewalks and for some reason; I don’t feel that counts but I digress…

So I stop by the meeting solely because I heard rumors of FOOD being served…catered in fact by a restaurant nearby that I can’t afford to eat at…(always an alterior motive).  I stroll by nonchalantly, my eagle eye on the look out for my beloved food (I hadn’t eaten in a while…).  Okay, I’m annoyed…the food is gone or nowhere in sight but there is cookies so that is enough to satisfy my palette for a second or two.

But the real reason I stuck around was one of the cute guys in my neighborhood was there.  I figure the only time I see this dude is in passing so I figure a public gathering is the perfect time to show off my wily wit and unabashed charm.  And it didn’t hurt that I had my incredibally cute dog with me…

The cops mention about the recent gang shooting about how drugs were involved and blah blah…people were shot dead…etc…yeah yeah, then they start talking about how the gangs extort money from the businesses…yeah yeah…we know.  How they are trying to stop it…sure sure…you bet.  Then they mention the gang injection which I was kind of interested in because LA is gang central and it’s good to know which gangs arn’t allowed in your neighborhood. 

So they tell me which gangs arn’t allowed in and if they get caught they are in a lot of trouble…these were injunctions that were just passed so I felt it was kind of good. 

Now they ask if anyone else has anymore things they wanted to add and this annoying frumpy white dude who is always trolling around the neighborhood (he thinks he’s a hipster but he is SOOOOO not…he’s like a hipster wanna be reject frumpy kid from Utah)…he says; “I have a complaint I’d like to lodge against the church”….”they are disturbing the peace with their loud singing two days a week”…”I can’t sleep at night”…(imagine this frumpy dumpy looking slouchy quasi-moto white guy saying this in a whiny emo kid voice to get the full effect).

First of all; let me go on the record and say this is the first time I’m going to defend jesus people but I feel it’s justifible.  I then cannot hold my tongue becasue I realize I live in a building of assholes…six or seven people AGREED with him.  The church people really bugged them and they wanted it to be a priority to shut them up. 

At this point; I had to say something.  I reply with; “People singing to jesus and praying are more upsetting to you then the gang members shooting people a block away?”  Are you kidding me that you are worried about people singing the Lord’s praises over the crack-dealer shooting people outside your window and breaking into your car and if your lucky like me; stealing your car????  REallY?  fucking really? 

First of all; they HAVE to fucking pray…they LIVE in this neighborhood…they are praying feverishly to get the fuck out.  Secondly of all; people celebrating their faith is one of the only positive things that happens in this neighborhood and you want to put a fucking damper on it???  Secondly, they worship their savior two days a week for a few hours…are you really telling me that is ruining your life and sleep pattern?  Especially when they are generally done by 8pm.  WTF??

I’m not a jesus freak or anything but of all the negative, crime-laden things that go down in this hood…you are going to go after the jesus people? 

The cops starting laughing and readily agreed with me about people praying to be saved from this hood is certainly not a criminal activity…Leave them the fuck alone.  Let them pray…they are not shooting people or hooking or peeing on our front lawn.  They are okay peeps.

Only and I repeat ONLY in downtown Los Diablos will you find people who are blaise about the gang shootings but throughly and completely distraught and genuinely upset over people praising jesus. 

Now if the jesus people go David Kerish ala Church of the Nazarene on us…then let’s start rethinking our priorities but in the meantime…let them place their hope somewhere cuz it sure doesn’t lie in the LAPD or any of the patrons of this fine neighborhood.    

Say Goodbye to National Masturbation Month… :(

If you are interested; you missed the Mastur-bat-athon in San Francisco.  And check it out; those crazy Japanesse can not only eat a shitload of Hot dogs (hence the dude who kept winning our hotdog eating competitions) but they also are skilled in the technique of self-love.  A Japanese dude showed up at the Mastur-bat-athon and broke some world record masturbating record.

Apparently you missed out on roomfuls of people showing their self-appreciation along with various sex toys…they had cots laid out and did the solo vertical dance for 24 hours.  People came* from far and wide to show their support for the biggest circle jerk heard round the world. 

You had to pay 20-dollars to participate and beverages were supplied.  There is nothing like some kool-aid after spanking it in front of 20 thousand random strangers. 

Also noteworthy; a girl named kitty-kat broke the woman’s world record for having a seven hour climax.  Is this an olympic event yet?  Do these people train for this?  All valid questions…I think I will do an in-depth report next year.  By in-depth I don’t mean in any orifies so get your damn mind out of the orifice you sick bastard.

* Pun absolutely Intended 

Environmentally-friendly bombs.

Yes I do realize that it’s an oxymoron.  Environmentally-friendly bombs.  When you generally think of bombs, the word friendly is usually not present in the thought process.  However, some scientists have decided it’d be a stellar idea to build some bombs that will kill a bunch of fuckers but save the earth.

So everyone is dead but at least the environment won’t be harmed.  That is good to know.  Cuz there is nothing more that I hate when you kill people and it pollutes the air and harms the ozone.  I mean, what the fuck did the environment do?  It certainly doesn’t deserve to suffer along with all those evil humans that must DIE.

They are calling this bomb the “green bomb”…it emits less toxins into the earth than your regular run-of-the-mill bomb.  Let’s think  of it as the Prius of bombs.  So if you want people to not think less of you when on your bombing spree, remember to go GREEN and save the earth. 

Green bombs will be available at your local pipe bomb store or Wal-Marts all over the midwest.   

 

The International Space Station’s toilet is clogged…egads!

When your toilet at home is clogged, it really stinks (literally and figuratively)…now imagine being up in space with NO gravity.  Do you know what happens to feces and human waste produces when the pull of gravity is void?  Can you imagine? 

Yes, your feces floats around…imagine sitting in a floating shitbox helpless and frozen with fear.  That can’t be fun.  Also imagine that you paid 156 BILLION dollars for this toilet?  You would demand that it worked at all times…no exception.  Damn it; I paid half the world’s money for this peice of shit, what the fuck…why is it NOT working?

Our taxpayers spent their hard earned money on this crapper…where is the goddamn plumber?  What?  There is no goddamn plumber on this freaking flight…oh shit…literally bitches!  Two Russian guys and one American dude…there is nothing like floating crap that brings people together to fight a cause.

There needs to be an action movie where the ass-tronauts fight renengade feces.  Could someone hop on that?  Thank you in advance.

 

 

Babies for sale…

There is a rash of people (by rash I mean two) that are selling their babies on-line.  Earlier today; I read a story about a woman who put her baby on ebay and the starting bid was one dollar.  Her ad said; “the baby cried a lot”…

Just now I read a story about a couple in Vancouver who tried to sell their baby on craigslist.  These people however, felt their offspring…their fetile unit was worth a little more than a dollar.  They were selling their kid for 10,000 (or 10,100 in American money).

They said their baby was “cute” but they couldn’t afford to care for it and wanted to find it a good home.  I have to say; it is a step above tossing it into a random dumpster or throwing it in the trash can at your senior prom.  I mean, if you want to choose the lesser of the two evils; selling it is better than killing it off.

Of course, authorities were alerted to this and the couple was arrested for “mischievious behavior”…you can be arrested for being mischievious?  That sure explains a lot about my recent string of luck in that case.  So if I decide to do a little cutting* and splatter my blood all over unsuspecting victims exclaiming I have Hep A, B and C…that is considered mischievious and I can be arrested?  That really dampers my passtime activities then. 

If I can’t be mischivious without being arrested, I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to carry on in this oppressed society we reside in.  Being mischivious is all I’ve got these days…please don’t take that away from me…

By the way; is that all you label selling a baby on craigslist?  Mischievious? (am I spelling mischievious wrong…I’m tired, please forgive me)…Maybe a more descriptive adjective needs to be put into play here; like heinous?  heartless? Ludacrious? I think if you got charged with something called “heinous behavior”; it would justify a tougher punishment than just plain ol mischivious…am I right?

In conclusion, thanks a lot Canadian couple…now I don’t feel like I can ever leave my apartment again for fear of being arrested on “michivious behavior charges”…everything else I’ve been charged with lately is bad enough…now mischivious too?  When will it stop?  Will I someday get arrested for being silly, nutty, goofy and dorky? 

Excuse me young lady, you are being arrested on dork charges…yes that is what I said…NO you are not allowed to walk around the city laughing at people’s wrong attire choices, bad teeth, and botched plastic surgery…I’m also going to arrest you on “pretentious asshole charges”…yes you Miss Kimberly…you are a pretentious ass sitting there at Casbah with your fancy soy drink and your tofu salad…We’ll show you by locking you up with carnivores and people with bad acne. 

Not only do we have to look out for criminal activities; now we can’t even be adjectives while out trolling.  I guess I’m going to have to go carve out a spyder hole somewhere in a remote area so I can continue to be animated and mischivious without fear of going to the clink.

* cutting=a popular hobby these days with hipsters, emo kids and people like me who have tried a lot of other hobbies and are just testing this one out.  Also good for party conversation starters…What happened to your arms?  I’m a cutter, it’s all the rage with the kiddies; you should  try it!  (bada bing, new friend…or at least someone who will talk to you at above-mentioned party for a few minutes before they run away frightened and bewildered at your somewhat unconventional hobby..it is however a good way to weed people out…if they stick around after you explain the cutting; they probably won’t be as shocked when they find out about your human head taxidermy project you have hanging on the walls of your apartment). 

You’re welcome for the tip.  

      

Golden Shower Video game…

This is a pretty damn exciting invention.  It’s almost as titillating as when you get a felony dropped after a cop with a speech impediment reads you your miranda rights.

A golden shower video game!  You get to use your urinary juices for something constructive and fun!  It’s about time we did something lucretive with all that damn extra urine milling around.  Here’s how this illustrious high brow entertainment activity works; there is a urinal with a television screen above it…you now get to shoot renegade UFO’s or you can ski down a hill controlling your path with your urine flow.  Talk about coordination!

Ladies, don’t feel left out; there is a special cone you can use if you feel the distinct urge to shoot UFO’s with your piss. 

I realize these two dudes are getting tons of props for their life changing invention but in all due respect; we need to credit the various pee pavillions throughtout the world.  There are places everywhere whereupon; men, women, transexuals, lepers and midgets can gather round, pay 20 dollars (I’ve heard from various sexual deviants that’s the cost to enjoy the luxurious stylings of these places) to get in and then you let people pee in your mouth or vice versa…you can pee in theirs.  I’d have to assume that you take turns…kind of like sharing.  Sharing is caring…damn it!

I feel these two Belgian dudes probably took a little inspiration from the golden shower palaces to invent the highly regarded scientific video piss game.  Maybe the urinal game is practice for the real thing (ala golden showers)…I feel those guys should give out some proper thanks to the piss pavillions all over the world for the inspiration!

By the way; my dog has been playing this same game for three years…he pisses in random homeless guys mouth and he is quite proficient at it!  I’m trying to encourage him to stop doing it for free cuz people pay good money for that shit…!!!

One or two last things; these guys got damn GRANT MONEY to invent this game.  I feel slightly to moderately miffed over that because I’ve been trying to get grant money from the government for FOUR years now to invent my sperm powered/urine powered car and I keep getting rejected and shot down.  In my defense; at least I’m helping people, the humanitarian that I am…and I’m not letting perfectly good bodily fluids go to waste! 

I wonder if the people who gave them the grant money to invent piss video games knows that cancer is still an on-going problem and the HIV still hasn’t been cured…and if I’m correct; there is starving people in third world countries…But I’m sure those orphans in Malawi would much rather play urine video games than eat anyways.        

 

Free Gas or Gun?

A car dealership in Missouri is offering a free 250 dollar gas card or a GUN if you buy a car.  I guess it’s either, drive somewhere or rob a convenience store for gas money?  Or maybe the gun is for shooting other drivers that hamper your journey to your destination?  Then you can ciphon the gas out of their tanks and carry onward…seems very logical. 

The owner of the Missouri car dealership said that they cling to their bibles and guns in the midwest…really?  Is jesus advocating gun violence now?  You know how everyone twists shit around…the bible is a 20,000 century game of telephone…you tell the secret in the circle and by the time you get to the end; it’s warped.  Duh, I learned that shit in Kindergarten…and that was with 40 kids…now imagine a trillion zillion people? 

If you have to cling to something; I think guns and bibles are about the worst option out there…how about doing what the static does and cling to laundry?  Or the clingons?  Do what they do?  Or here is a really ludicrious suggestion?  How about thinking for yourself instead of having some peice of paper handed down from a zillion years ago think for you?  Wow, what a concept.  How about instead of a gun?  A homemade shank made out of soap?  Or maybe a homemade pipe bomb?  Let’s use the resources we have at home and not be wasteful…

What do people use guns for? ** In LA, gangs use them to shoot each other and to sell…I really don’t know what else someone does with a gun…it’s super rare to get shot randomly (knock on wood) or even someone who tries to forcefully kidnap you with a gun is so rare*…if you run; you have a very small chance of getting shot…getting shot is harder to do than getting struck by lightening…granted you live in somewhere relatively safe.  (devoid of my neighborhood whereupon, you can get shot at anytime..pretty much…but look at me; I’m still alive!  and I encounter at least a few gang shootings a week or at least somewhere in the vicinity of my locale…)  I hear the shots…I mean I barely hear them now cuz I’ve lived in hoodrat neighborhoods since forever…it’s like how some people hear the birds…I hear gunshots… 

I digress…over 30 people have bought cars and they all choose GUNS…except a Canadian dude and a really old dude (quoted by the car dealership owner)…Super, now there is a few dozen more meth heads in Kansas City roaming the streets with handguns, handguns that fit easily into a purse or pocket…The owner of this above-mentioned car dealership is advising people to get the little gun so they can conceal it?  huh?

Maybe he is secretly hoping they will put it in their pockets and accidentally shoot themselves…just doing a little population control.  What is up with people not having the safety on with their silly guns and shooting themselves?  If you owned a gun; wouldn’t you always have the safety on?  You know to ensure your SAFETY…you take that fucker off when a burgular enters your shitty house that probably has nothing good in it to rob anyway..in that case, just tell him that he’s wasting his time and give him a good address to someone’s house who has good shit so the damn burgular doesn’t waste his time or yours.    

I’m concerned about just giving guns away to random people…do they do criminal checks on these people?  Or are the people of KC just smart cookies…get the handgun and you can get 250 dollars on your own from goddamn 711 and a few of those rotten hot dogs too!  Win/win…

* These are actually statistics given to me by a police officer, not some random crap I pulled out of my keister. 

** Don’t try and tell me guns are for protection either…I’m not buying that you are so self important that people will waste their time and risk going to jail to shoot YOU.  Puhleez, no one likes you enough to sacrifice their freedom or life just for the gleeful pleasure of shooting YOU.  You self-important fuck.

     

CSI NYC

They film CSI NYC on my street…I generally do not care.  I guess these fools think this is the closest thing to NYC in LA…whatever.  The only thing that really does indeed annoy the living crap out of me is; when idiots from Idaho walk up to me and ask; “Is this where they film CSI?”  “Where do I park?  I shouldn’t have to pay 25 dollars to park?”  I’m an ACTOR (using the term loosely…in the loosest sense of the term)…

I reply with; “everyone has to pay it”…(except me cuz I bring the parking guys food and livations…ha, that’s how I roll)…but I didn’t tell em my secret.  I really wanted to add; “if you are an extra on a tv show; that does not constitute an acting career” but I held my tongue, mostly cuz I was in a rush to get to work.

Then my parking attendent buddy Horacio tells me the elevator is broken so I have to walk up the stairs…no worries I tell him in broken spanglish…I end with “buenos dias mi amigito, gracias”.  He smiles and nods.

I hike the 5 or more flights of stairs…huffing and puffing cuz I’m wearing heels and I don’t take stairs as a rule and I have a lung hanging out of my ass which makes stair walking a triffle difficult.  I digress, I reach the top and do a little victory dance and I hear someone screaming about being “stranded”.

Lo and behold; it’s some of those CSI freaks…a woman who is 50-ish and a plastic surgery nightmare…blonde hair, (Miss Clairol #32, white trash blonde…) kind of gangly looking, eyebrows up to her hairline, hallowed out cheeks, tightened skin like she’d been permanatly on a roller coaster ride and plump donald duck lips.  She is screaming that she is stranded…screaming at the tippy top of her blackened lungs.  There is a crew of youngish dudes behind her (about my age) and they looked embarressed and I assumed them to be her lackys or bitches for lack of a better term.

It appeared to this lady that I just formulated out of thin air…she was so concerned how and where i came from…I inform her I’m the omni present and I’m everywhere and only special people can see me.  Then I proceed to inform her the elevator is broken.

She is gripped with fright and paralyzed with fear.  She says to me; “Oh my god, I’m stranded…I don’t know what to do!!”  She starts yelling and freaking the fuck out. (I am thinking to myself; if a broken elevator is the worse thing that has happened to you; you are sitting pretty however, I would hate to see her handle the unsavory foot traffic of the homeless heroin addicts once she gets down to the street level…if a simple broken elevator constitutes this type of reaction…)  How does she react if she breaks a nail, trips and falls, someone beats her with a lead pipe?  This broad needs some serious survival skills. oy vey!

I decide to be a doll and do a little problem solving (aha, recalling an earlier blog…a clever comedy/writing ploy used by those who can remember that far back…usually in the rare absence of drugs…we’re in a recession; who can afford that shit anymore?  And if you have their number, could you forward it to me?)…I tell the woman; “you know those things that got you to the elevator door from your Lincoln Navigator drug dealing mobile?”  I believe they are called legs?  “Hmmm, yeah…they also work pretty well for the stairs.”  You’re welcome for the tip.

The dudes behind her were snickering and smirking and trying not to laugh.  She stares at me like i’m an alien talking about something completely and totally foreign…jibberish if you will.  You would’ve thought I asked her to dismember the pope the way she was staring me down with ice cold frozen eyes (frozen cuz of the botox mostly)…

She then grabs her cell phone and proceeds to call someone screaming; “I’m stranded..the elevator is broken and I can’t get out of this parking garage…I’m going to die in here”…(talk about mellow dramatic…shis…)

I went to my gig, was gone for 3-4 hours, came back and was expecting to see her half eaten carcass laying in the middle of the parking garage…But I didn’t…instead I did see the carcass’ of some of those extras from Idaho laying haphazardly out of the dumpster.  I thought to myself; I’m so glad that lady didn’t DIE in the parking garage and she used her vast cinematic knowledge for good use and decided to follow suit of that airplane movie. 

No one likes extras anyways…that’s why they are called “extras”…they are extra food in case the Kraft services table runs out of food or people end up trapped in parking garages in downtown LA due to broken elevators and they are just too damn lazy to take the stairs.