Deliciously Pretentious…

I’ve coined a new phrase I think needs to be thrown out there into the abyss and people should start using and working it into their vocabulary.

I saw a fancy strip mall today that had a MOAT…a goddamn MOAT and sculptures and a MOAT.  I was really impressed with the sculptures until I saw the MOAT…then I was mesmerized…I started thinking to myself; what kinda joint is this that has a moat with artwork outside…then I look and it was a goddamn fancy strip mall…WHAT?  Strip malls suck and are suppose to be trashy…hello?

I look and there is a fucking Quiznos, yogurt shop, cell phone store, Boston Market and some kind of horrible suburban type bar.  I felt extremely blasphemized against.  You can’t put all these goddamn horrible chain places and then have nice artwork and a MOAT…You cannot do it.  It is offensive…

I don’t see a fucking castle in my periphial anywhere…why would you trash up a nice looking moat and some majestic sculptors with some god awful food places and cell phone stores.  It’s disgusting.  I wanted to drain that man-made moat, I knew it didni’t want to be there so out of place with pretentious suburbanites trolling around it ogling it.  I feel the moat felt like a peice of meat, it deserves more respect.

I was with a friend expressing my disgust with chain everything crap and how I felt the MOAT should’ve been somewhere better than a fancy strip mall…and in my fit of disgust I angrily exclaim the place to be “deliciously pretentious”…which was welcomed with a roar of laughter and a hearty agreement and also some kudos on the cleverly crafted phrase of disarray.

After pondering my new phrase; I realized there is alot of things I can exclaim to be deliciously pretentious…Here’s a few; The Hollywood and Highland complex, any bar/nightclub in hollyhood, Spagos, THe 3rd street promenade, anywhere in Orange county, anyone who shops at a mall, (malls are for suckers and drones), all the chain coffee shops…etc…

There is another level of pretentiousness too which very few reach that involves finding everyone and everything on this earth a complete and utter bore and remaining relatively unimpressed with all of society as we know it.  There is a pretentious pyramid like the food one…everyone is at the big part on the bottom and only five people are at the top.  (there is almost 7 trillion people in the world…) 

Open to interpretation.

911 Operators don’t give a s*** if we die.

Great! Superb!  There is always nutty 911 operator stories in the news.  A few years back; I read one about how a dog deficating on a neighbor’s yard was the Number 1 Call to the 911 operators.  Great, a dog deficating on someone’s yard beats out a shanking. 

Six months ago; another story surfaced about some 911 operators having a party while they were working…playing strip poker and playing football in the office and ingesting livations of the cocktail variety.  Their boss defended them saying all the calls were answered.  Hmmmm, perhaps…what did they say when they answered?  Victim; “Hi, I’m being attacked by a nut”…Operator; “That sux dude, but sheila is naked…ha ha, she just lost at strip poker and I’m fucking smashed”…Victim; “um okay, but I think my throat is about to be slit in five minutes or so”…Operator; “well, ya know..we still have a few more hands of strip poker to play and we all really wanna see Dirk naked cuz he’s got a really big package so hang on a bit”…kisses…Victim: ”um, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…..dial tone and scene. 

Now we have 911 operators telling us; “I don’t give a shit what happens to you”…OMG!  I am now being told that when you call 911; they don’t care deeply about my immediate future.  WHAT?  A deranged rapist knocks* on my door and I have no one to call anymore?  Would it be a better option to call the pizza guy?  (In their defense, they do get there in 30 minutes or less and they have hot scalding items…that could be used as weapons if need be.)  

It appears the pizza dudes are the only ones who really get anywhere in a timely fashion.  I’ve had to unfortunately call 911 before and it takes HOURS and HOURS etc…on end for them to arrive.  Sure, I get that there is shootings and gang violence and that is coming before some crack-head pulling a knife on me in a dark alley.  I can pretty much fight off a crack addict cuz they arn’t real coherent but it sucks that they get to threaten you with a knife and then troll off into the sunset.

Back to the story at hand; this woman’s ex-boyfriend was threatening her with a knife…they gave her the serious run around…then one of the illustrious operators told her that there; “was a more important call that came through”…the woman thought; “Huh, is someone dead?”…What is more threatening than a dude with a knife at your door?  That is a stumper…but no time for pontificating when you are in the throws of imminent death.

It turns out; the “URGENT” death defying emergency was a routine traffic stop and they needed all the officers to put the smack down on this renegade speeder.  People who speed kill too damn it.  Calm down lady who has a knife pulled on her…How the tale ends; she calls and pleads again for help…the operator tells her; “yeah sure someone’s coming…blah blah”…and then the woman hangs up and the operator says; “I don’t give a shit what happens to you”…

Problem here…The woman complained about the poor service she received while fearing for her life…the mayor’s office investigates and hears the operator saying this after the call…(everything is recorded at these places)…you’d think the operator might’ve had an inkling of an idea? 

On a quick sidebar; in college I worked at mediabase which is a research music company which calls people to find out which music they like best; I used to play jokes and say funny things to the people I was forced to annoy with my call…and I really had a lot of fun and made a lot of those bored people laugh by telling them funny ass things…only problem was; my boss heard of my hysterical feats and started listening in on what the hell I was saying to these people…(some of which included; “what are you wearing?  “what are you eating for dinner? Can I come over?”…What would you do if you had one hour to live?..e.tc….)

Needless to say; he commended me on my amusing ways of engaging the callers but ultimately had to fire me which I actually was trying to do anyways…

Back to the story…if you have an emergency; your best bet is to have weapons readily available at all times for deranged psychopaths…if you are having a heart attack or medical condition; you are on your own or you could call Dominos and hope and pray that they know cpr…at least they’ll be there in 30 minutes or less.  (they really are…!)      

*  I realize rapists don’t generally knock on your door but I guess it’s wishful thinking on my part..,it would be nice if in this day and age that rapists would evolve to the point whereupon they knocked and warned you a little of their demonsterous plan so you could mentally prepare and properly balance your chi.