No more “Nike Air Stabs”…

Nike has a shoe called “Air Stab” with a logo of; “Runnin and Gunnin”…I personnally think that is genius.  Market the damn shoes to the crips…they are also great for crip walking after you’ve knifed an unsuspecting rival gang member!  Nike air Stabs…when you gotta run away from the cops with the guns real fast…yup, they are your shoe!

So in London apparently a lot of knife action is happening and crimes involving stabbing.  People (I’m not sure exactly who these alleged “people” are…but there seems to be “People” refered to as “them” who other people like to blame stuff on when they really don’t have anyone to blame stuff on…hence; “people” and “them”)…

Nike is now suggesting to humans that it’s acceptable to stab and shoot people (according to above mentioned “people”)…sure you bet.  The reality is; Nike invented the “air stability” shoes back in the 80’s and decided to bring them back now under the guise of them being “retro”…(the 80’s was not retro; it was tacky…big difference, but I digress)…So they shortened up stability to stab to be hip for the kiddies. 

With the whole stab and running and gunning…it’s surprising they let the shoe hit the market with so much violence attached…I thought when I first saw them; that it was saying “Stab and then run away fast”…and if you have a gun readily available; feel free to use it. 

People in London were highly upset over the shoe being allowed to hit the market in the helm of violence activity.  But oddly enough; the most upset was OJ who has now lost a very lucretive contract with Nike as a spokesperson.

Methquest…

instead of mapquest…we now have methquest.  Yes, a website whereupon you can find any meth lab throughout the country.  Super!  Cut out the middle man…send em straight to the source…no sense in trapsing around looking and seeking out your brain damaging drugs.

It’s like a PSA for meth use…they are tired of making people work for their meth…let’s make meth more convenient for everyone…use it as a form of population control.  Look, toothless meth head; here is the closest lab to you…go get your junk and off yourself…your saving the environment by having one less person use up all our precious oxygen and your also helping out with population control!  Win/win!

Thank you meth!

Sherri Shepherd ?

So this broad is on The View…the crappy show about a bunch of annoying old broads yapping about nothing and constantly interrupting each other.  I don’t watch it…don’t care about those people and barely know who Sherri Shepherd is…but for some reason; she feels the need to tell us all about her degenerate life.

I can’t stand z-level celebrities who think we care about their crappy lives…she tells us that she had so many abortions that she lost count?  WTF?  Has she ever heard of birth control?  I mean you’d think after the first one; she’d take some sort of precaution…maybe stop sleeping with multiple dudes in the same night?

And imagine the disease running rampid through her immune system…oy vey!  Then to counteract her abortion comment; the next day she says; “I will see my children in heaven”…(or something similar to that)…HUH????  Do you really think they are standing up there waiting for some broad who offed them before they even got a chance?

Don’t you think that encounter will be slightly to moderately uncomfortable?  Aw, Hi..lady who sucked us out with a vacuum cleaner…it’s great up here with jesus, just sitting in the clouds knitting and stuff…yeah, super fab. 

That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard…all your aborted children are sitting in heaven looking down on you and waving?  No they aren’t…they are ghosts, haunting your ass…they are showing up on that Discovery channel show; “the haunting” every damn episode…they are demon possessing people and fucking up people in creepy run down houses in the midwest.  No one is sitting on a cloud waving at you, lady from the view.

Just as I suspected…

I’ve been trapsing around wondering about which whiteys here are criminals on the lam, on the run from the long arm of the law.  You always hear about criminals escaping to Mexico or Canada.  AHA, my suspicions have been confirmed.  I have to be a little on the DL with this post for the alleged criminals that have disclosed such information.

I’m at the beach and start talking to someone who is from East Los…(already suspect)…We chat it up…I start talking to him in Spanish, then he breaks out the perfect English so I figure “fuck it, I’ll speak English then”…We chat it up…

He is ridiuclously familized with LA…then as the convo continues…he lived there and he did time in Folsom. (I don’t judge)…I won’t disclose the first crime until I’m back home but he served his time so it’s all good.  He gets out and oops…another mishap with the po-po.  Some people are just a beacon for such.

He goes to court and gets sentenced but before getting locked up, he decides to rob a bank and come to Mexico.  (I was secretly cheering for him…cuz I always wondered how many people got away with robbing a bank and skipping the country…that is my personal 401K plan as well).  So he’s here and he’s clean down here….for now.

The only problem with when he said; “This is betwix you and me”…he screamed it at a loud decibal in front of a dozen or so beach goers.  Not that they can prove anything or ever find him again…he is smart; he quits his job every month or so and gets a new one.  However, Cabo is a small town and I would have to think after a while you would wear out such possilities…what do  I know though?  I’ve never been on the lam from anything except student loan collectors and renengade jay walking police.  I’m no savant on running from the authorities.

I gave the guy a bunch of pointers…(I ride the metro rail and train…I’ve met other prisoners who have shared secrets and tricks to evading the law…)  I’m also quite familiarized with a part of the country (USA) where criminals hide out for years and decades and never get caught…they go there and wait for the statutue of limitations to run out and then reenter into society.  I’ll disclose that another day too cuz I’m going there to write a story about it; but no one will tell me crap if I disclose the location.

Okay, so the dude is really nice and his crimes were vicitimless for the most part so I don’t think he’s a bad guy.  Just got the short end of the law-abiding citizen stick.  It happens.

Fat tourists should tip the bathroom lady…

Just another observation…there are all these fat tourists whooping it up and living large.  There is a bathroom attendant who only really gets tips…she sits there day in and day out; handing towels to fat gluttonous tourists who trapse in and out of there…grabbing her towels with no gratitutde.

It trips me out that these fools can spend zillions on vacation and booze but not even a dollar for the bathroom lady?  HUH???  I look in her tip jar and apparently I’m the only person in the whole town giving her loot…WTF?  Now I feel bad, like I should give her more…you can’t support a family on five dollars…

I’m almost as poor as the bathroom attendant and I’m worried about her feeding her kids…but these obese ungratful tourists who are rich jokers from the OC; don’t even see her.  They just think the towels magically appear out of nowhere…like she is standing there for her health and she likes the smell of feces and the disgusting bodily fuctions of weak bowel systems. 

Sure…I’m sure that must be it…take heed…if you are anywhere, especially on vacation…tip the bathroom people…that is the only money they are getting ALL night and they really don’t enjoy giving you towels to wash your germ infected hands with.

Thank you in advance….

Enferma…en Mexico…

 

Today was starting out to be a promising day full of festive events and musings but alas; flashforward…slept a ridiculous amount and then woke up and went to the pool bar among the suggestion of my friend.  Not just a suggestion but a demand more or less…fine.  So Shirley and I had to the pool bar and order Bloody Mary’s…they are fairly tasty and spent the day laying by the pool observing this white trash faimly drinking beer with their kids. 

And a bunch of frat boys running from room to room in the balcony…I gathered they must have a transexual hooker locked away in the room they kept obsessing over.  Then trolled around the town for a while and came back to the living quarters.  I wrote for about four hours or so…Shirley slept.

Went and had some seafood, I literally had two bites and couldn’t eat anymore…haven’t really been able to eat at all here which is fine…I’m detoxing but now it’s a little overkill and I’m detoxed beyond recognition.  My ernerds are all gone…

I have to head into work…and spend some of it with my tummy tied in knots….chatted it up with a real cool cat named Kepa…then came back to the abode very sick…That is all that has happened thus far.

I still do stuff when I’m sick; I don’t let being sick stop me from stuff but my friend does unfortunately.  So I’m left to my own devices once again in my enferma state of being.

My buddy is leaving so it sucks she is sick on her last day but I’m back to being by myself and having adventures with the locals and impressing them with my street espanol.  I’ll probably go to the beach the rest of the time and just work…

Hipsters don’t go on vacation…

They really don’t and I’ve been a lot of freaking places and never seen hipsters anywhere but in their hipster areas of whatever city they inhabit.  Same thing here.  My friend (who fancys himself somewhat of a hipster) says the other day; “have you found any hipsters to hang out with?”…um, no I tell him…hipsters don’t go on vacation…I’ve never seen a hipster on vacation…first of all; if they truely are a hipster (and not living at home with their parents)…they can’t afford it…I can’t think of the “secondly of all” (there was indeed a second of all on the tip of my verbose pallette) right now it escapes me…but will probalby return at some inconvenient time.    

 

Got up early today…most of these freaking blogs start with “I’m sleeping in”…I don’t want people to start thinking I’m a lazy fuck so I better get up early at least one of these days.  So hence; got up early…headed to the beach again.

 

Saw a crazed lunatic beating up on the rocks…yelling at them and punching them.  I guess the rocks deserved it for landing where he wanted to sleep…but I started to wonder if he was hurting his hands and knuckles…he would take breaks between the vigorous beatings…I thought maybe he was a fighter who couldn’t afford punching bags but then I saw the track marks and knew I was sorely mistaken.  So as not to be in the path of any astray dirty needles…I venture further down the coast…(there was a reason this side of the beach was so deserted I guess…)…head out on a water taxi to a secluded beach with my pal…it’s creepy to me that they call it Lover’s beach and I’m there with a friend who is a female and NOT my lover…I point this out that it’s creepy numerous times…and then down the way is Divorce Beach where is when the marriage dissolves; they take them to that secluded beach and kill em off or rather “divorce” them.  All the natives tell the same funny story about throwing your wife into the ocean.  I find it humorous but other tourists don’t…or they just don’t understand what they are saying..nonetheless; I was the only one laughing and I laughed every time I heard it.  Drowning is funny to me; what can I say?  If you don’t want to be drown by your husband; learn to freaking swim and vice versa.

 

So we wander and neander around this joint for a while…I want to explore the caves but realize quickly that it is where homeless people urinate and hide out and decide against it.  I was secretly hoping to find some pirate hyroglyphics or something interesting but alas; No…just a few homeless guys pissed off that I’d invaded their pissing party…I can see that at home anytime and in Los Diablos; people don’t even hide…they just urinate right out in the open.  At least they have the decency to hide but at the same time; I couldn’t help but think they are ruining the pirate’s secret messages encoded on the walls and I was somewhat miffed…but not miffed enough to trapse through a urine soaked cave to get to the bottom of whatever mystery I thought was lurking in there.

 

Swim around for a while..the ocean carried me far off into it’s depths…(I can swim so it’s okay)…it’s a very strong current over here and every time I tried to get out; the ocean would knock me over..

 

Watched creepy tourist parents leave their kids ALONE so they could go into the ocean and make out which was someone disturbing and repulsive…first of all; I don’t want to see fourty year olds making out and secondly of all; you are leaving your kid ALONE?  Just sitting there on the blanket…a long ways away…eating cheetos and getting sunburned…just so you can get your groove on and pollute our beaches even more?  HUH?  I don’t understand anyone’s logic anymore.

 

The water taxi had the guy’s “alleged” name on the side..it said; “Mr. Pinguji…which is Penguin in espanol but I mistook (on purpose) it for Piruja which is hooker in Mexico City slang…so I kept asking when Mr. Hooker was coming back and no one got my joke at all…Cabrons…

 

Another quick observation is; everyone LOVES to yell shark when people are swimming around in the ocean…not just other tourists but mostly the tour guides and the water taxi drivers which I think is hilarious…but what if there really was a shark?  It’s like the boy who cried wolf…except instead; there is lots of boys crying shark…

 

On the way back to my abode; I am starving and stop off for a vegan burrito and it turns out to be a bunch of mashed up potatoes in a tortilla….yuck…I guess it’s vegan…or maybe they are mocking vegans here; I mean it was vegan after all….no meat in that sucker….gracioso!

 

Then I saw a bunch of meathead skinheads I’m guessing from San Diego area and they were walking around and being mean to the locals…which annoyed me and then FINALLY; I saw a fucking hipster. (after two weeks a freaking hipsters makes their presence known) I was convinced that hipsters don’t go anywhere cuz they are broke but alas; A hipster…not one but two hipsters…walking around acting like they are all knowing and too cool for school…I then decided they were fake hipsters, pretending to be hipsters but living at home with their parents and going on vaca on their dime and then walking around pretending to be ultra cool in other parts of  the world rather than just LA…hmmmmmmmmmm….

 

The truly ironic part about this hipster tale is; they came into the club later and I thought I’d see if they wanted to do some radio crap (I try to be nice to even icky people until they give me a reason not to)…so I explain the concept and then the one girl says; “We don’t do things like that…we aren’t into radio” “radio sucks”….AHA…the ironic part y’all…is that these hipster folks think they are all knowing when it comes to music and all things Alternative and artsy and now when given the chance; they decline.  How can you be a savant on something when you won’t give input?  Just blankly look down your nose for no real reason? 

 

For all their hipster music snobbery, you’d think Alternative/Indy/world music is something they would want to be involved with?  Oy vey!  Damn fake hipsters…

Last thing on the literary agenda for the day; 

 

I do know one thing though; my honorary brown man status translates to other parts of the world.  In LA, I’ve always been an honorary brown man and believe it or not;  I  am here too.            

 

 

        

 

 

                            

Another day…another encounter…

It’s the Sabbath everyone…keep it sacred and holy and the like…sure okay…

 

On the plane; I spent a (my typing might be be off at some points, I’ve been typing on Mexican keyboards so I can’t remember what I’m typing on from time to time…please forgive me)  great deal of time chuckling at people on the plane in their straw hats…I was secretly referring to them as the straw hat brigade…they were all white people wearing those cheesy corona straw hats which to me are really obnoxious not to mention the advertising you are doing for some crappy alcoholic beverage.

 

I digress, so after being here a while; I understand the straw hat brigade…(Not so much the wearing of the ugly corona straw hats but the hat in general)…so I decide its high time I get me a fucking straw hat without the horrible label.  I troll around the flea market and people try and sell me these shitty hats for mucho dinero then finally I stumble upon a guy named Javier who gives me a fair price on a hat with no logos on it and I now became the proud owner of a goddamn straw hat.  My main reasoning was because I was burning up and it was a handy purchase.  It might be worth it to save my skin from irreversible damage. 

 

So I’m happy with the hat…head to the beach and plop down for an afternoon of relaxation…I end up next to a family who has dogs…little cute fluffy dogs like mine…they are snuggling with me and playing…then the little girl in the family grabs the dog and starts manhandling it and throwing it in the water…it is not happy.

 

I personally cannot sit and let some helpless animal be manhandled so I tell her the dog is sad and cold…so it then snuggles with me and I put him in a blanket…he doesn’t want to leave…finally I have to give him back to the family begrudgingly.  I think they thought I was a crazed PETA member and was going to kidnap their dog (which I was)…then they let him sleep on the blanket in some shade.  I can’t stand animals being roughed around; it makes me extremely upset but hopfully the mom understood and it appeared that she did…and hopfully Beca (the dog) doesn’t get thrown into freezing cold water again and flapped around like a rag doll.

 

I also met a nice dude from Chicago who was staying with his mom in Cabo and his wife was having a baby back in Chicago; in a few days…he started asking me for advice (why does everyone ask me for advice…I’m not capable of taking care of myself let alone spewing forth knowledge to others)….henceforth; I told him that he needs to get into his car and drive back to Chicago immediately.  He thanked me and headed off into the sunset. 

 

Now I head into work and encounter all kinds of oddities…a bunch of old men are mooning me at the studio window…I’m somewhat repulsed but smile and nod and try to continue with the merriment of work after being subjected to such treacherous horrific scenary.  There is some other gross guys doing trucker gestures….

 

No wonder I am such a jaded human and have an aversion to human contact…Then it is time to leave; and creepy snowmobile guy is sitting at a table near where I exit the studio…egads!  I am forewarned by my buddy…I then decide to take the sneaky back exit and very low key tip toe quietly out into the mean streets in hopes of not being seen.

 

I was like the people who escaped Sodom and gomora…don’t look back yo, you’ll turn to fucking salt…I heeded the advice of yesteryore…

 

      

 

 

                            

Snowmobiles? Do women really use guys for them?

Man today…I did a little of sleeping in…went to the store to guy some ginseng and detoxing juice.  (I’m a big fan of detoxing your system of toxins)…did a sufficient amount of walking around.  Found a great little shack that had two dollar breakfasts which was fabulous; just a few eggs and toast and some potatoes…delicioso. 

At this point in the ventue; it is time for a day of rest…so we head to the pool at my hotel and relax for a bit.  Then my pal decides to walk around and do tourist stuff and I decide to stay around the hotel and write.  Writing is my escape and the only thing that really keeps me sane anymore.  I spend about two hours writing and pontificating about all things that need to be pontificated about these days and admire my ridiculous tan…

Then head to work…work is a little nuts seeing as how it’s a Saturday night and there are drunken fools everywhere polluting the joint with their American middle class charm (using the term loosely)…typical suburban moms dancing on tables…college kids getting liquored up and doing unmentionable things with random strangers…I sometimes wonder if the locals just hate the damn tourists and Americans…in a weird way I think it’s disrespectful to come to someone else’s country and act a fool.  Shouldn’t you be respectful and thoughtful on other people’s turf?  That is the way I was raised but what do I know? 

 

Work goes by pretty damn fast…my pal and I decide to ingest a few refreshing cocktails at a local joint down the street…but not before me getting my friend lost in the ghetto and introducing her to a crowd douche bags, sleeze balls and pretentious suburbanites of all walks of life…not only that; but the rough local spots…I think I scared her a bit but I’m gangster even without my mace and I told her; “I got it, we’re fine as long as no one pops out of nowhere and knifes me…don’t worry…”  I halfway did expected to get stabbed for my pesos..but I guess the old adage rings true; if you expect it; it doesn’t happen so henceforth; Murphy and his fruity laws proved to be once again correct on all accounts.

 

Then a midget called out to us halfway to the horrible place we were going to have a delightful cocktail at…at this point; I was so annoyed with the sidebar trip to the hood AND I’d been working and walking around and talking to people all night so the last thing I wanted to do was make small (pun intended) talk with someone..midget or not midget.  I’ve seen and talked to enough midgets in this lifetime…I’m not impressed by the novelty anymore…I mean, everyone has a midget these days; rock stars, comedians..etc…midgets just aren’t as exciting and titillating as they once used to be.  

 

We end up at a cheesy place called Rips..the first person we encounter is someone we dubbed “gay roofie man”…this being that he was too tan, too muscle bound and too pretty but appeared to be from our observances a repellent to all who encountered him; hence gay roofie man…We observed a few people reject gay roofie man’s advances and then he would leave and come back…maybe to stock up on more roofies cuz no one would accept a drink from him?

 

Then these two clowns…literally these two were freaking jokers…from Oregon.  My friend is Peruvian and they started asking her; “hable englis” and saying Hola to her…very insulting considering she was born and bred in Los Angeles and speaks better English than either of them…she was good natured about it but later we defiled their ignorance betwixt ourselves…Anyways, these two are your typical ex frat boys on vacation…blonde, buff and ignorant and drunk.  Drunk guys are extremely uncouth in my book and if you approach me and are a drunken idiot; hmmm, not usually impressed…They continue to “try”…key word is try because I’m virtually unimpressed wth everything.  About how in Portland they have a snowmobile and a house…blah…big deal…Then they talk about how they are referees for wrestling…yuck…not impressive.  I do the polite head nod and say; “that is nice”…and then they continue to inadvertently and ignorantly insult us. 

 

When I said I was working down here; they assume I’m a waiter (which by the way is a good job and kudos to all the hard working waiters out there…) or someone’s personal slave or something of some sort.  I didn’t have the strength and just wasn’t in the mood to defensd and/or impress them with my wily adventures so I said; “sure, I’m here as someone’s personal assistant, you bet’…then I decided to make it more interesting and before you know it; I had brothers and sisters in mexico and my mom is a Mexican pop star and oh boy…the stories and tales just got better and better…

 

And then during the height of their drunkness; they kept talking about the damn snowmobile they own…mind you; it is 95 degrees here…who gives a rat’s rectum about a snowmobile…?????

 

Then he starts asking it if we want a ride?  HUH, I’m not driving or rather flying to Oregon to ride some loser’s snowmobile unless it’s some kind of creepy euphemism I’d never heard..however I digress…then his mood went from dumb ass drunk to beligerant moron and he starts screaming at us that; “we are like all the girls in Oregon who use him for his snowmobile”…HUH?  Are you kidding me?  If I was going to use you; (which isn’t in my nature…which is why I’m a broke ass mofo)…I’d defo go for something a little more impressive not to mention practical in Los Angeles…or Cabo…it’s 95 degress dude…no one is using you for a snowmobile here…maybe a cup of ice or a few drinks…but believe me…no one is interested…anywyas, he went mumbling away about how LA girls use him for his snowmobile….which was odd considering we spent the vast majority of the evening trying to get rid of him by spewing forth repulsive things..you know all things guys hate; I shoot heroin into my jugular with dirty needles (when asked about hobbies)…I skin kittens and practice witchcraft…none of these things worked…so now I know if I run into him again throughout the next few weeks; I’ll simply say; “I use men for their snowmobiles…if you can’t get it down here immediately…get to stepping”…at least I know which buttons to push…oy vey!!

 

After that bit of weirdness/excitement…headed home and conked out…

 

Scooby’s Doo’s Face???

Who's face is it anyways?

Do You see Scooby doo’s face in these damn rocks?  All the boat people tell you that you see weird shit in the rocks..I stand by the fact that they are just making shit up to impress the tourists and feel like they aren’t wasting their hard earned money on nothing. 

So hence; the rocks…they insist that there are people’s faces and weird stuff in the rocks…I’m not buying it and I even told one of the boating captains that they are full of mierda and it’s a ploy to trick unsuspecting tourists into being impressed with their stupid rocks.

They are just damn rocks…that is it.  When I insisted that I saw a monster and the zombie from Scooby Doo, everyone laughed…how do they know I’m not some Rorshcach savant or a serial killer and I’m really seeing that stuff cuz I”m NUTS…huh? 

I digress…feel free to e-mail me or comment on what the hell you see in this rock formation…I’ll go back to the boat guy and let him know that others think there is no witch or president’s face in the rocks.

If I want to see people’s faes in my inanimate objects; I’ll get on ebay and check out the grilled cheese sandwichs and corn flakes to see if Jesus has shown up lately or the Dahli Lama…

I don’t need to pay loot and come a zillion miles to see some dead person’s face in a rock…Are people insane or what?  People come from faraway lands to look at rocks with “imaginary” formations of dead people in them…but it’s all the power of suggestion…

I see Wonder Woman in a rock..let’s tell people and charge them to stare at it…and then later; we’ll get liquored up and laugh at their stupidity.  (the natives agreed with me on this…just so ya know, they are smart)…