You missed the glorious event that is; the Testicle Festival!

Protecting the innocent...or criminally insane...

I’m sorry to bestow my sincerest sympathies to you and yours in these harrowing times.  What I’m referring to is; missing the illustrious Testy Festy (shortened from Testicle  Festival for the hipsters)…

 

 

 

 

The rumor is that oodles of fun was had by all.  Oodes is code for naked and a little scary.  My secret undercover source got me some pics of the blessed event to people who are less fortunate, so they can live vicariously through them the event which is indeed; the Testicle Festival.

This is one of the sexy human specimens you missed...

 

 

 

 

I apologize to all who were subjected to this...

 

YOU ARE EXTREMELY WELCOME FOR THIS PHOTOGRAPHIC MASTERPEICE FROM THE TESTICLE FESTIVAL…ALL PHOTO CREDITS TO ASHLIE BURRIS.

Protecting the self-esteem of the unendowed....

The whole premise of the testical festival is to eat testicles; fried, broiled, grilled, marinated or whatever…from different animals as a culinary treat for the palatte.

As you can see the eating of testicles has a much broader meaning than anticipated. 

Domestic bliss in the OJ household…

A little blood never hurt no one except Nicole and that other dude.

is pretty much obselete in hearing the latest revelation involved in their charming suburban household.  OJ’s oldest daughter apparently put the mothering F&^%$-ing smack down on his ass.  She trolled over to his humble abode with fists ablazing due to the fact that; her mom (OJ’s first wife*) has to work at Wal-mart cuz he won’t give her any loot (ala alimony).  However he is supporting his Nicole Brown look alike girlfriend Christie Prody to extreme lavishnes.

Arnelle, 39 years old pushed OJ into a glass cupboard and he fell and was all bloody.  Arnelle called 911 and then hung up…a mere second flash of consciousness then thought; “oh hell, I didn’t stab the bastard; he’ll be fine” and hung up abruptly.  The 911 operators traced the call (damn technology…if you are going to be involved in criminal activity; learn about modern technology and how they can catch you these days…you’re welcome for the tip.)

Now let’s pretend you are a 911 operator who traced the call to OJ’s address…what races through your worn torn mind of 911 emergencies?  “Oh shit, it’s the juices house…is that Prody chick dead?  Is there an OJ memorabillia heist going on?”  Egads, should we even go over there?  Let’s dispatch the guy we hate the most and send him over…yeah, good idea.  “Officer Friendly, yes this is the address…”…”Um no it’s not oj’s house, he moved, yeah….he doesn’t live there anymore..just head the fuck over there and take care of the damn emergency”….”so long”…

Someone headed over there and OJ dropped the charges against his daughter….I guess he figured he dodged a good knifing and with the anger issues passed down through the genes…better to let this one go; what’s a little blood afterall…I already know how to clean blood out of carpets…no worries officers..just go home; we’ll call you when someone is dead next time…Happy Trails…**

* The one he didn’t kill.

** The 911 operators were pissed that the cop came back unscathed.

When people die, everyone forgets that they were a prick except…

these people from a suburb in Oakland, CA.  Here is the actual obituary they put in the newspaper for their mother.

 Dolores Aguilar was born in 1929 and died on August 7th.  She had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.

  

“I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

 

 

“Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years.   

 

 

“But I truly believe at the end of the day, ALL of us will really only miss what we never had . . . a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother.  I hope she is finally at peace with herself.

 

 

“As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

 

 

“There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart.  We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes.  So I say here for all of us, good bye, mom.”  (!!!) 

 

I commend these people.  A large portion of people forget what a douche bag someone was all because they go ahead and die.  Then people go to their funeral and say how great and wonderful they were, when in fact…they may have been the biggest asshole on the planet.  It’s like being dead trumps being a prick.

If you make idle death threats, you should follow through in a timely manner, or you lose credibility…

There is a fellow in my hood…(Disclaimer; I’m not making fun of the disabled, he just happened to be that way)…he is in a wheelchair and has no legs and has a voice box to talk…he likes to make small talk with the patrons of the neighborhood…kind of like a twisted demented Mister Rogers. 

 

He comes rolling on by and stops and mad dogs you for a while and then announced through his voice box; that he is going to kill you.  (not just me, anyone who happens upon him)…I don’t think the murder rate in the neighborhood has raised at all since the onset of his demonsterous threats…

 

He mentioned that he wanted to kill me three times yesterday and twice today…I’m wondering what is taking so long?  It’s like; okay…I’m impatient…I don’t have all week to sit around and wait for this joker to carry out his idle threats. 

Babble…

I feel like I’ve been cheating on my blog with life.  I used to hop on everyday and concoct linguistic magic (using the term loosely).  But alas; as of late, I guess I’ve been doing stuff although; I’m not quite sure what that stuff is.

Okay, more honestly; the stuff I want to write is comical and funny but the people who it’s about read my damn blog everyday.  That is what happens when you start to get tons of hits and loyal readers.  It soils your fun of mocking them. 

My life has become one seinfeld episode after another and numerous people have pointed this out to me…I’ve been stumbling into strange situations one after abother (which is fine and not so weird…but not being able to write about them is killing me) So I wish people would stop reading my blog…I’m boring and stupid…there are people out there with way more intelligent thought-provoking things to say than me.

Canada Foot Fetish…

There are severed feet washing ashore in Vancouver, Canada. The “alleged” authorities investigating the epidemic are making it sound very confusing from the “severed” feet being found (did someone cut them off? The authorities say no but isn’t that what “severed” means?) or another explaination; maybe people drown and their feet fell off…WTF? Maybe the feet floated over from China…But the one they really aren’t talking about (which I think is the truth)…the crazed lunicidal foot fetish guy running around rampid on the mean streets lopping off random feet of innocent by-standers.

There is some random foot fetish freak on the loose, chopping people’s feet off after he’s had his way with them…Six severed feet don’t just wash up on shore coincidentally, do they? One of them was still wearing it’s shoe (a funny joke compliments of the deranged foot serial severer on the loose)…

Another intriguing fact; all the feet washed ashore were right feet and only
one left foot. The foot fetish guy likes the left feet? And he threw a left one in the ocean to confuse investigators.

Here’s how I think the crime goes down; The foot guy trolls around looking for some feet to victimize. Maybe places like the park, (jogging feet which would explain the sneaker on one of the foots)…maybe he’s on the subway? bus? (speaking of which, I was on the subway and some foot fetish freak was next to me talking about my feet all the way from Hollywood to downtown LA…It was an awkward moment, especially when I told him about the nasty fungi problem)…

I digress, the guys finds his victims so to speak…he hones in on them…follows them, calculates their every move and then BAM….he strikes…he swings his machete and lops off the random foot. it happens so fast that you don’t even feel it and you don’t even notice until you try to walk. By that time; he is long gone with your foot and having some foot sodomization action. Your foot is crying out for help but no one hears it…it whimpers and weeps but to no avail.

He does creepy weird things to your foot until it’s all used up and he gets bored with it or finds a better foot to victimize…maybe it’s got a better pedicure or longer toes…or higher arches…whatever it may be…it’s time to do away with the old worn out used up foot…alas, the throwing it into the ocean.

I know what you are thinking…why is this broad not a crime scene investigator?

Someone please fight for justice for the feet!

Public transportation adventure…even douche bags ride the bus.

Everytime I have a less than savory public transportation adventure; I feel like I should just go get a car again…but then I think again; and I realize that all my friends embrace my wacky public transit stories and think perhaps; they won’t talk to me anymore if I didn’t have good tales to tell.  So alas; I’ll hold out for a little bit longer and continue with my vast social anthropology experiment.

I’m on the bus going to work and the first weird event (in the long string of them)…there is some cheese ball douche bag talking at extremely loud decibals about how; “he was going to be on set”…(the only thing that mofo is setting is the damn kitchen table for dinner) and he called about 10 people bragging about his lame existence.  THEN he calls what appeared to be a girlfriend and was talking baby to her and saying cheesy weird things like; “baby, when I’m rich….(insert douche bag phrase here…in regards to a fancy car, house or jewelry or anything of monitary value)…He’s asking her what she’s wearing…if she’s naked…I mean, come on dude…have some decency here…no one wants to hear you talkie walkie to anyone who is idiot enough to actually date you.

Have I described this dude yet?  Let me indulge you…greased back hair, wearing sunglasses (the real douchy ones)…somewhat of a suit/preppy thing going on…he was tall and looked like a steroid freak and had a swagger that no one on a damn bus should be allowed to have.  or maybe his part-time gig is a male gigalo so he needs to look inticing to dirty old men and sugar mommas to get work? 

I digress…so this joker FINALLY gets the fuck off the damn bus.  Then some Miss THANG hops on the bus and tells the bus driver; “I ain’t got no money”..the bus driver says; “get the fuck off then Miss Thang”…and miss Thang continues to walk to the back of the bus and then pulled out an entire collage of make up and played beauty shop with her clown like face…

FINALLY..I get off the fucking bus.  I have a mediocre day, masquerading like I’m working…then the bus ride home is even more exciting!!!  First of all…the buses are all freaking packed to the gill so 3 of 4 of them pass me and don’t stop because they have so many bastards in them…I’m freaking skinny; I could totally fit on that fucking thing…but whatever…so some nice old man is making small talk and telling me that the earth is going to hit a planet and explode soon…to which I reply that we probably deserve it.  He laughs heartily.  I bade him goodbye when one of these damn buses finally stops. 

I hop on…then these gawd awful emo kid crack addicted skate boarding kids try to sneak on the bus and sit there and argue with the bus driver for quite some time…they had all kinds of excuses as to why they didn’t have bus fare…they were mugged, beaten for their dollar…etc…and the bus driver replies; “mugged EVERY damn day”…Then some nice japanese old lady offers to pay their fare and the girl went ghetto psycho on the old lady and screams at her; “Bitch, dis ain’t none o your damn business…”

At that point the bus driver was trying to kick these fools off…cuz you don’t fuck with old people man.  Then out of the blue; this douche bag in a CL class Mercedes Benz (one of those 100,000 dollar rigs) drive smack dab directly into the bus.  It was ridiculous!

He gets out and starts freaking out at the bus driver who was a very nice man and cleary having a bad day already.  The guy was screaming at him and the bus driver was handing out incident reports cuz we were all pretty much witnesses to this guy driving directly into us without slowing down or nothing. 

All the gang bangers on the bus pretend to be injured (which was hilarious)…they kept asking the guy for money and he was screaming; “no one is getting a cent”…Then two of the gangsters asked me if I wanted to help roll him…which I was tempted cuz he looks like the type that would be stupid enough to carry large sums of cash on his person.  But I politely declined…although flattered to be included in such a lofty money making plot.

I then help all the little old spanish ladies fill out their reports and a few russian woman as well…I felt like a translator at the UN.  I translated for the cops and paramedics (I can’t believe no one else on the bus could freaking translate…WTF?  We are in LA bitches…you need to know more than one damn language yo)…

So we all stick up for the bus driver and the angry douchy guy that hit us was pissed and kept asking people to “be a witness for him”…of course the gangsters tried to get money from the fool…but he was like; “you people suck”…but it’s like; dude, forensically, you HIT the fucking bus…there is no question about it…

Anyways, there is weirdness and arguing and blah blah…finally the douche bag admits to talking on his cell phone (once the cops came) and said he didn’t see the bus.  Cuz buses are very tiny objects trolling around on the street…people miss em all the time…

I finally hop on a different rig and wouldn’t you know it; the gang bangers decide to follow me cuz I’m so cool…and they told me I was street like them…(great…I’m winning over gang  bangers all over the city)…then they all decide to get off at my stop (to which I’m thinking of an escape route)…they think I need to be walked home safely  (sure)…then they all do that number; “you got a boyfriend?…girlfriend?…”….argh, so I say my normal repellent phrases about being into beastiality and necrephelia (see blog below!)…That didn’t work; they were IMPRESSED with my creativity and ingenuity…WTF? 

This tale wraps up with me formulating my plan…then when no one was harassing me; I literally hopped off at a random stop and waved at them as I quickly hopped off the bus and they were like; “hey, where you going?…HUH?”  Then I took a cab home the rest of the way…and that is the end of another public transit adventure.

If you’ve ever wondered what a Necrepheliac looks like…

Dead Bodies don't need no dinner and a movie...

Here ya go…this dude violated an unsuspecting corpse who was slumbering away in peace and quiet.  Kenneth worked at a morgue; (big shocker…those people are all creepy) as a “dead body attendant”…when a woman who was raped and murdered was brought into the joint…it was 25 years ago and DNA was not as sophisticated as today.

Well…when the crime happened (back in Methuselah’s day)…they took the semen sample but didn’t test it until now!  (I know, having sex with a corpse doesn’t deserve an exclamation point…but I was feeling down and it made me feel better!)

The DNA they found was not the “alleged’ rapist but Kenneth the morgue dude (But what a great employee that he was still working at the funeral home after 25 years!  Right?….I mean, who the hell works somewhere for 25 years without getting the axe?  Good job on the job stability…not so much on the dead body fornicating however).

Not only does Kenneth get down with dead bodies but he also sells the mary jane in his spare time…which he was popped for and henceforth; his DNA was on file.  (Note to Kenneth; don’t do anything illegal if you want to continue with the dead body hobby…you need to have priorities, damn it)

So Kenneth (if convicted…Do you think they will try to get Lazarus in there to resurrect the dead body so it can testify?   will have a 500,000 fine and one year in prison (but probably no jail time cuz it’s his first offense)…

Keep in mind; if you get a hankering to have relations with a dead body…make sure there was no crime that needs investigative attention and make sure you don’t have a criminal record and last of all; at least have the decency to not humiliate or offend the dead body.  When you are done; maybe buy it some flowers at least to be considerate and as an appropriate gesture of your deep gratitude.