Thanksgiving is a weird holiday…

I say this because it is.  We eat turkey and watch sports.  (yuck, that is what most people do; I don’t)…

We spend all day preparing a gluttonous meal of dead bird, we shove crumbs up it’s keister and then eat and eat and eat until we want to puke.  Doesn’t anyone else think there are bulimic connotations involved in the blessed holiday feasting?

The pilgrims stole the land from the brown people and we celebrate.  Weird.  I’m a part brown person (honorary brown man status) and I’m offended by the fact that people celebrate the crackers stealing the land from the brown folks.

Also, there is starving people in the world and we are eating like pigs with reckless abandon.  And then as a finale; we sit around and watch meatheads play a silly little game.  What kind of person invented this holiday?  A caveman?

If we really wanted to be thankful; I think everyone would feed the homeless and help those less fortunate…because it’s cool that you are thankful and all for your crap…but maybe it’d be better if you helped those without crap to be thankful for. 

Thank you…

Maria…What have you done?

 

My observational skills have been at an optimal peek as of late; well not so much a peek; but things that are ridiculously obvious.  Like for instance; I’m on the gold line train to Ol Pas (Pasadena for the unhip), on the way to some pressing business. 

 

I arrive on the train to be welcomed by a gaggle of Nazi Low Riders…of course; IT’S ME…so the car I happen to enter is the prison guys…that’s the way the good lord intended it to be.  They are all sitting in the bike section where you go if you have a bike; and lo and behold; I had a bike…so to not seem like a fucking prick; I decide to join the gang.

 

I wheel my bike to the area and plop down…Prison inmate #1 moves his prison jumpsuit and slippers to avoid touching me…cuz you wouldn’t want me to infect your costume with my icky girl germs…ew!  He then explains it’s to make room for me in the seating area…in his defense; I had about eight bags with me which is my usual travel orchestra.

 

I sit and put on my ipod.  I am having a nice ipod moment when he taps me on the shoulder explaining he just got out of Lancaster State Penn..(the hard core prison…not county little campers)…and he is wondering what the going rate of an ipod is these days…I tell him 80 dollars or so…he then pulls out his pocketful of cash and has seven dollars…explaining that is ipod money…(by the way, the line; “I just got out of Lancaster State Penn” is a real lady killer…pun intended).

 

Stellar I say…then I see the big tattoo of a chick’s name across his neck…MARIA it read.  MARIA and then some more writing underneath…so as not to stare; I looked away and awaited a convenient time for me to steal a few more glances to read the novel that was scrawled across his jugular area.

 

Then one of the other prison inmates has an inquiry in regards to monitary value.  Perfect, now I can continue reading the other guys neck without seeming conspicuous.  Underneath it says; “I love you”…now I gather that to be a time he cheated on ol Maria…he had to redeem himself so he added the “I love you” business….

 

Then directly underneath those tear-jerking sediments; it says; “You bitch”…egads.  The “you bitch” must’ve been added when he got sent off to the Penn for his extended stay and she left him for some other charming upstanding felon. (not that there is anything wrong with felons…I’m just adverse to the ones that murder and do meth)…

 

This has inspired me to write things on my body…I’m going to start out with a grocery list; “Get cigerettes and Red Bull”…with a little note underneath about how it gives you energy…lots and lots of energy to keep writing things on your neck with a dirty needle you found on the ground at your local crack park.  And then I’ll write a little reminder about my court date and maybe even include the citation (or rather multiple citation numbers) in case I forget them. 

 

Then to do a public service; I’ll include the recipe to meth for all the train riders and ex-convicts in case they forgot it and want to get back into the business…maybe I’ll include the Nuremberg Code in case anyone feels like reading up on proper prison torture techniques.  Maybe parts of the constitution…bible passages…etc…

 

Who says our generation doesn’t read?  Piss off Sylvan Learning Center, this is the new fangled way of learning… 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

Joe the Plumber already wrote a book? And has a hilarious website.

Joe the plumber has been hard at work optimizing on his new-found celebrity by pimping his website www.securethedream.com  (is he talking about his own wet dreams?)  What ever happened to the plumbing business you wanted to own Joe?  I appears to me that you are investing your days on your crappy website devoted to other Joe the plumber followers?

On the site; it mentions a “movement” which is taking place among beer drinking plumbers (by the way, I’ve known a few classy plumbers, they don’t all wear pants too small and drink beer all day…some of them make a lot of money and enjoy Mozart and crumpets and tea around 4pm)  I digress, the “movement” mentions that tens of thousands have joined this alleged movement.   I’m thinking the tens is more accurate and no plural, just TEN people have joined the movement and apparently they are each in charge of a link.

One of the links; Joe is promising a 72 year old man that he will make sure he gets all his money lost from the stock market…really?  How Joe?  Are you going to mug some unsuspecting dems and then give the money to the old people; wouldn’t that hamper with your cash flow for the plumbing business?  Oh dilema of dilemas…Do I give these old bastards the 50 dollars I just got from this mugging?  Or do I invest in my crapper business OR do I buy a bunch of beer to chug a lug?  Why did McCain make my life so hard? 

I never had to make so many decisions before, damn it!  Egads!  (Do you think Joe the Plumber says Egads or is it just saved for cartoon characters?  Talk amongst yourselves).

On Joe the Forum; there are no entries and Joe the blogger; same again; no goddamn entries.  Joe the shopper just has this book, that hasn’t even been written yet?  So you tell me; are the tens of humans that joined this movement all sitting around drinking Joe’s six-packs or are they really working very hard to drum up some business for Joe and his badly concocted website. (check out the graphics; it looks like a third grader did them…maybe it was Joe’s illegitimate bastard kid.  Joe promised him a cut if he designed the website in leiu of child support…Go Joe)

Oh, by the way; Joe the Plumber’s shitty website will lock up your computer so only log on with your work computer not your home one…Joe’s STD’s are probably being transmitted via the interweb…like anthrax except more potent.

Politicians making history!

Am I a man or a woman?

Not only did Barack Obama make history but another politician made history as well.  The new mayor of Silverton, Oregon become the first openly transgendered mayor last week!  His name is Stu Rasmussen.

I’m having trouble figuring what what the switcheroo is though.  He looks like a woman or does he look like Howard Stern.  Did he change from a man to a woman or vice versa?   I’m confused.  I need more information.

He does have a girlfriend so I’m thinking he used to be a woman?  But now is just a really ugly man…but there is a confusing picture on the web of him wearing a dress and necklace and he is an equally as ugly woman.  His name is Stu so I’m guessing he wants to be a man?  But he is a man but is wearing dresses…

My head hurts…maybe I’ll take this up with the local transexuals of my neighborhood…most of them are men who want to be woman…Maybe they can better gauge this than me.

Anyways, let’s celebrate the progressive movement that politics has taken over the past few weeks…!!  Yay for Obama and the transgendered mayor guy!

Repo; the Genetic Opera opens today…

I have no idea what this movie is about but judging from the title; it’s about stealing body parts.  That of which I’m a fan of.  I’m secretly hoping it’s about women who can’t afford to pay their boob jobs and other various plastic surgeries and the repo man takes them away.

Like for instance; in the helm of our current recession…probably a lot of broads can’t make their boob job payments…that’s where the repo man comes in.  He sneaks into your apt. in the middle of the night, chops you open and takes back those silicon bags, only to go sell them on some street auction for some low dollar hack price. 

Perhaps he’ll sell em for 25 dollars and for another ten; he’ll insert them for you in the back alley.  What a deal! 

Can’t pay for that nose…prepare yourself to wake up noseless…and so on and so forth with whatever other body parts you alter. 

Or another senerio that could ensue (if I was the director)…test tube babies getting repoed.  People can’t pay the fertility clinic…oh well, I guess you have to return the kid or the repo man will come a knocking to take him back and maybe perform some scientific lab experiments on him and then sell it off at the test tube baby auction…for cheaper than whatever you paid.

The test tube kid will go to some welfare family who beats it and sells it into sex slavery and it grows up to be a deviant member of society; thus continuing the cycle of madness.

Look at what the recession has done to us!

One of Hef’s Hoes is getting married and he’s walking her down the aisle!@#$ HUH?

So long Hef, thanks for the Bentley and gaggles of loot!

Kendra Wilkenson, Hef’s youngest girlfriend and bimbo extordinaire is marrying some NFL football player.  HUH?  Wasn’t she banging Hef?  How did this happen?  I thought they had a strict curfew.  How did he let such a gem out of his sight long enough to trollip around with some dumb jock?  (using the term gem ever so loosely)

Also, he has agreed to walk her down the aisle for the beloved nuptuals.  Does this NFL football dude realize that she was banging an 82 year old man?  Probably during their courtship.  Is Hef so generous that he lets his girlfriends bang other dudes?  Maybe his boner pills weren’t working and he allowed them to find happiness (sex) outside of the hallowed halls of the playboy mansion?

All this aside, I still think it’s creepy that her boyfriend/sugardaddy is blessing the marriage especially when it’s painfully obvious that she was getting it on behind (or maybe in front of him, what do I know about people’s freaky sex lives) with some other dude?

I guess he figured, I have two others so fuck it (literally)…oh wait, he doens’t have two others either…cuz the one is dating that retard Chris Angel and the other is dating someone too…huh?  Maybe he is trading them in for some new girls?  LIke baseball cards…that is the easiest way to break up with them or rather trade em in…let em bang other dudes so they look like the bad guys.  Good plan!!

Besides, those hoes were getting old…two of them were in their 30’s and the other one just turned 22 so they were all used up…time for fresh meat!  Pass em along, throw out the leftovers to NFL players and washed-up magicians. 

Or did these chicks just use Hef to proliferate their nudie careers?  Last of all; the “Girls next door”…HUH?  If you lived next door to a brothel, maybe those would be your neighbors…or perhaps the sarcasm was escaped on me…

Starving kids and soldiers being killed will give you a number one hit!

Whenever rockstars or any musician for that matter…can’t think of what to do with their videos…have you noticed that they just throw some soldiers in there being killed or some starving kids.  I guess it’s to get some compassion cred or maybe it’s just an apology, like saying; “Hey, this song really fucking sucks but if I put starving children in the video, you will like it.   And if you don’t; you are a fucking prick who hates starving kids.

Most recently, someone was singing a love song about his girl dumping him and lo and behold; the video shows starving children with a few graphics about starving…WTF?  I’m sorry kids are starving and your girlfriend dumped you but how does it correlate?  Did she move to Africa to save starving kids?  If so; shut the fuck up…at least her moral fabric is in tact and she is doing a good thing instead of sitting around by your ass listening to you whine in your really crappy musical lyrics.

I don’t think the starving kids care about you and your romantic woes…also when you are there and filming them to be in your shitty video that you make millions off of…maybe you could be a doll and throw them a bowl of rice or two so they won’t be starving anymore…I mean, after all; they did pencil you into their busy schedule of; seeking out dead animal carcass to eat for dinner and building the mud huts and sewing together loin clothes with rat fur…but you, Mr. American Idol reject rock star…poor poor you…some bitch dumped you…

I hope we didn’t infect you with our third world country diseases while you were here filming our ass…and I hope we were skinny and hungry enough for your video to appeal to Americans who are stupid enough to buy your crappy record at Wal-mart.  Gee, I wish we had wal-mart here in Angola…we could use cheap toilet paper and discounted cleaning supplies.

Phone fun…

I changed my phone number recently and have found that Mario, the guy who previous owned my phone number has a lot of friends and/or people looking for him.  I decided to have a little fun with Mario’s friends, keep the relationships going strong and just generally let them know that Mario is okay.

This guy named David is texting at three in the morning wanting to hang out with Mario..I inform David that I’m in jail.  David is taken aback…he just wanted to have a few brews with his good buddy Mario that he hadn’t seen in a while…What did you do DUDE?  (He texts me)…I let him know that “who knew dead hookers in my trunk was illegal…”  and now I’m in the clink…

Now David (he’s a sharp one) wonders how in the hell I got my cell phone in the clink to be able to text him…good question David…I inform him that I was forced to keister it (if you don’t know what that is or arn’t familiarized, google it…heroin runners use the same tactics for smuggling)…he is then laughing heartily at Mario’s misfortune.

David is now making plans to come bail Mario out of jail…Mario (me) is now wrestling with a moral dilema…do I let him go to county and waste his night to find no Mario or do I confess my secret identity…hmmmmm, so instead of either…I (under the guise of Mario)…tell him I’m just joking Bruh…

Then David tells me this is the funniest I’ve ever been in my life…(mario but really me)…DAMN Mario…all his fucking friends think I’m hilarious…that fucking bastard is taking credit for my wily wit…now I want to confess who I am to get the credit for my unabashed banter but I can’t because Mario’s friends are constantly texting him to see what funny, wacky story he has to tell…

On a little sidebar, I did tell Mario’s mother that I left the country cuz I had warrants out…i just couldn’t add another texting relationship with a stranger to my repretoire, I was already bogged down with Mario’s other friends who indulge my silly little jockularity fits…his mother just seemed a little too high maintence to include in my tales of midget fisting adventures and golden shower escapades.

Everbody wins??? Or just people who can’t spell?

Mccain has an ad running (not sure if it’s still running, hopefully not) that bashes Barack and features Joe the fucking Plumber.  At some point, a graphic comes on that says “Everbody Wins”…who is Ever body?  Are they mocking the way Americans speak?  I don’t get it.

I’ll be the first to admit that my spelling is somewhat unsavory but goddamn it; I’m not fucking running for president or any sort of office.  I don’t have a proofreader that probably makes a gazillion dollars.

Who the fuck was the proofreader that okayed that ad?  Sure, yeah, throw it on…Everbody is in the dictionary.  On top of the misspelling..it had to feature that big ol redneck Joe the Plumber who probably was the proofreader…doing double duty on the McCarin campaign so he was afford his beloved plumbing business. 

Last of all; of all the graphics on that commerical…there was TWO things to proofread…two fucking things…not even two sentences…but two phrases.  And you didn’t catch EVERBODY????  Hmmmm, I guess only an elitist would catch such a mistake and then point it out in a mockery sort of fashion.

I guess it’s the Mavericky thing to do; spell shit wrong…after all; there is no I in everbody or even a second y but there is an I in maverick and if your keeping track; there is also an ick.