NYE…texting and driving…

that is how I’m spending my entire NYE.  If you are from CA, you understand…if you are not, pretend too.  (I’m not sure how many states are enforcing the no driving and texting law starting January 1, 2009)…

Yup, I decided one of the greatest joys since the cell phone ban (also what I thought was “beating the system”) is being taken away very cruelly, ripped from the very shreds of my being…texting and driving.  Egads!  WTF?  I can’t text and drive…I can’t completely ignore the road and type a message to a friend about the bearded lady next to me in traffic who is shaving?  How dare they?  

I can’t hold long heart-felt conversations while driving cross town via text?  And when I arrive at my destination wonder to myself??  Hmmmm, how did I get here so fast…I don’t even remember driving.  Oh well…I still have a lot of texting to catch up on.

I can’t take wacky pictures of myself driving and forward them to friends who are at work…not driving and texting…seriously?  Others who I’ve pointed this out too say; “WHAT?”…No texting and driving…you’ve got to be kidding; how the hell do I communicate with others?  Morse Code, Fire?  Damn the man! 

So henceforth; my day will be spend reveling in the very delight that is; TEXTING AND DRIVING cuz this is the last day we can do it without being fined and chastised by the police or other law-abiding citizens.  So text away my weary friends for the privilege (along with so many others) is being stripped away in a mere matter of hours.

People are no longer visiting Larry Criag’s restroom…

As a tourist or as a glory hole patron.  Apparently at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport; for the past year and a half; the infamous bathroom stall where Craig got busted has been a “hot spot” for tourists.  WTF?  Have our tourists sunk to a new low?  Hey kids, We are going to Minneapolis to see a glory hole…yippee!!  What a lovely family vacation!

One guy even offered to pay 5 grand for the bathroon stall…to have it installed in his house?  Does he realize the male hookers aren’t included (just like Barbie; the dream house is separate)…

Anyways, for some odd reason; varying news sources found it newsworthy to let us all know that people have stopped flying into Minneapolis to peep out some glory hole.  Maybe they’ve realized that glory holes exist all over the country and you can probably just walk over to your local park if you want to see one… chances are; that a political figure in your very own neighborhood has frequented the very same place!

So Ball of twine and biggest ball of mud..guess what?  You bitches are back in business now that the restroom stall has stopped drawing the attention of tourists from all over the world!  Get back to work!

Hook hands are fun!

I have to send a shout out to my bruh for inspiring me to concoct this stellar idea for people who are limb challenged.   My brother tells me about some dude he knows who has hook hand and this fellow likes to brag about his enthralling escapades with the female species.  (I think my bruh also mentioned the dude was a svelte 400 pounds and not only limbless but hair follicle challenged as well)…

He informs my brother that the ladies LOVE the hook hand.  I don’t know about you; but I would have to deduct that  a hook hand would hurt if there is any amorous advances as part of the itinerary for the evening.  Right?  So we philosophize and ponder the hook hand and it’s uses and/or nusiances.

Then Eureka!  I have hit the jackpot (using the term loosely) of ideas.  Instead of getting a hook hand; why not get a vibrator or dildo hand?  I mean, imagine the conversation peice you’d be at parties…the ladies would love it and I’m sure your pocketbook wouldn’t complain either.  I’d have to speculate that a 20 dollar dildo at the sex toy store is way cheaper than your average hook hand.

You doctor could get written up in the medical journal or at least get a photo op at an xxx mag of some sort.  It’s a win/win and all (I mean ALL) will be pleased with the thoughtful way you’ve decided to put your void hand to use.

Blagojevich though he was at a poetry slam…

This finger is going up someone's keister in the Federal penn...

 

instead of a press conference today.  He starts out vehemently denying all allegations of slime and debauchery…another odd observation; he would look down at his notes and pause at rather odd times…like to come up with the word “accusers”, he needed to confer with his notes.  (Was he perhaps thinking in his head; those fucking rat bastards who are throwing me under the bus…but needed to check his notes to find a more eloqent term?) 

Then he recites Kipling…so the lesson I took from this; when facing adversity; just pull out any old peice of literature and start reciting it.  People will be so enthralled with someone else’s words that they will forget why you are even having a press conference in the first place?

Like when Clinton got caught with his intern; he should’ve recited Shakespeare?  Or when Bush got into trouble numerous times; start reciting the koran, the bible, He just isn’t that into you…or any peice of literature you have laying around that you think the American public is interested in…

Next time I get in trouble at work; I’m going to recite Finnegan’s wake and see what kind of reaction I get.

The family who manufactures meth together…

Don't arrest me until I've lost the last stubborn 20 pounds...

stays together until someone goes to jail? (Is that how the old adage goes?) Bristol Palin’s baby Grandma was busted on six counts of manufacturing, possession, selling…etc…(the laundry list is too long to recall when you have short term memory problems)…In laymen’s terms; Levi’s (the baby daddy) momma was a high powered executive business woman who ran her own business…to break it down a little more; she ran a damn meth lab.

Oddly enough, in the meth capitol of Alaska…(where else would you expect the best meth labs to be? Of course the namesakes capitol)…Ol Sarah is refusing to comment on the story at all due to the fact that it’s not government related. It’s NOT? It’s not of concern to the people of Wisilla that maybe their kids are being sold drugs by Sara Palin’s buddy? Not even a word of condolensce or I’m sorry Levi’s mom is a meth head? from Sarah. Hmmmmm, strange.

And the raise she just gave herself? To afford better drugs than meth? You discuss amongst yourself…or did she know her main methlab supplier was going out of business and she’d need more money to travel out of town to get more drugs? Hmmmmm…

Another sad detail about this typical American dream story; Bristol is due to poop out her kid tomorrow…good thing she dropped out of high school so this’ year’s prom won’t have a featured dumpster baby…instead she’ll have it in a hospital (gasp…a teenage unwed mother having their kid in a hospital…what the @#$%)…

Obviously, baby gama isn’t going to be present for the birth cuz she’ll be busy relocating her meth lab (yes she’s already bailed herself out of jail…it’s the meth money stash she has in her mattress)…

Projected names for the baby…Crystal for a girl or Crys for a boy…They are going to name the baby after it’s Grandmother and her love for her favorite hobby…So very sedimental!

Craigslist ads…

I like to paruse craigslist and laugh at some of the ridiculous ads I’ve stumbed across…one of the most interesting to date is the woman who was selling “Fresh breast milk”…I’m not sure how her endeavor went but I’m sure plenty of people were thrilled beyond measre to finally find FRESH breast milk.  It’s nice to know it’s fresh and not that rotten stuff that is usually being passed around on the underground black market breast milk selling market…I digress however;

Recently, I’ve stumbled upon another ad that gives the breast milk lady a run for her money on originality and creativity.  This particular ad included; a girl who was looking for someone on craigslist who could take her braces off for her at a fair price.  She drones on and on about not being able to afford a dentist and it’s time to get the braces off.

First of all; doesn’t she own a pliers?  It can’t be that hard, right?  I mean, I’m halfway thinking about opening up a braces removing business in my kitchen cuz the more I think about it; the more I think I could do it just as good as any ol orthodontist out there.  Just cuz I haven’t had time to photoshop my fake dental diploma doesn’t mean that I can’t make a viable dentist.

I wish I could’ve hacked into her e-mail and seen what kind of people answered her ad. (other than myself).  I replied and mentioned I have a plier and would love to remove her braces for 100 dollars.  I did not get a response back..maybe it was because I mentioned my particular dental tool.  Note to self; don’t mention how you are going to do the procedure in the response e-mail…leave it to their imagination.  Maybe someone had a better idea than a pliers?  Or perhaps their asking price was lower?  Could I have possibally been undercut by another fake dentist out there?  Egads, that really roasts me up…I worked hard for that title.

X-mas shopping…for the person that has everything…

why not get them an STD?  Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you..I did indeed say; STD!!  It’s the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving…

There is a website that has different microbe shapes of STD that are plush stuffed animals toys.  You can get your loved (or not so loved) one the clap, herpes or chalmydia.  They are pretty colors and fun to snuggle with at night after any and all partners have left you after infecting you with their own little gift.

You are very welcome for the x-mas shopping tip!..Not only will you have all your x-mas shopping for this year done but also for years to come…after buying the STD dolls for everyone; I have a feeling you won’t have anyone to buy for ever again.  It’s a win/win!!

www.giantmicrobes.com

It's the gift that keeps on giving!

Save the earth and recycle your sex toys…

Maybe you have stopped driving so much, riding a bike, recycling your cans, and reusing your bags, drinking your own urine (I just threw that one in there to see if you’re paying attention, but there is people in other countries studying urine as a viable drinking water solution but I’ll save that for another time).

One more thing to add to your laundry list of recycling is your sex toys.  Yes it’s true, you can now recycle your unmentionables.  Dreamscapes wants you to send them your used up and tarnished sex toys.  They do ask you to wash them throughally and then mail those bad boys on in and you get a ten dollar gift certificate to buy more sex toys…recycled sex toys.  (Am I the only one that thinks this seems gross? I mean, I know medically the STD’s die in the air but I still don’t wanna think that someone else’s nasty junk was using my recycled item)…Also, does your vibrator feel like it’s cheating on you if you send it in to be recycled?

Are it’s feelings hurt cuz you turned it into vibrator/sex toy purgatory?  Isn’t it a little like breaking up and then sending it away to a cheap hooker? 

Also on a sidebar, can you send in an ex that has been used up?

Gang Inspired Food!

I finally decide to drag my lazy keister out of bed for once…I am carousing around with my friend and we are starving.  In our starvation state of mind, we suffered a serious lapse in judgement and decided to eat at the most disgusting low rent place on the planet. (please forgive, even classy bastards like myself falter in a famine induced state).  Where is this place you ask?  IHOP* …AW…I know, don’t even say it, I know what you are thinking?  Could she have possibally been sober and contemplated eating there?  Yes, and there is a reason why.  The delicious CRIP Bacon…

It’s a new dish sweeping the nation by the tens…or at least however members currently inhabit the revered Crips.**  We saunter into the joint and are immediately frightened by the patrons but my friend who has an eagle eye for words noticed the lovely sign on the wall advertising the Crip bacon…CRIP BACON?  WTF?  Really?  That could connotate a variety of things.

Is it the remains of the most recently killed Crip?  Does it taste like chicken?  Is the joint so crowded due to the crip bacon and the rare nature of it’s form.  All viable questions that raced vapidly through my pea brain.

Henceforth; my friend decided to take a picture so we could share with the masses the delight that is “Crip Bacon”…On a sidebar; if you are a Crip and you ingest the Crip bacon, does it give you super human powers?  Like maybe you can cap asses with flawless accuracy?  Or can you Crip walk without missing a beat?  Does it also have the same effect on the commoners?

Also, question that plagues the feeble mind; What is Pumkin pancakes?  Are they involved with the Crips or did the Bloods come up w ith that?  It’s nice to see businesses around the hood incorporating their gangs into their tasty menu entrees. 

Last of all; be careful when eating your crip bacon that you don’t choke on the blue bandana they wrap it in. 

* Just so you don’t lose all respect and admiration for me, we didn’t eat at IHOP…Just took pictures of the crumped up sign and left.  I know IHOP is a real foodie haven but just to clarify; I DID NOT EAT THERE and my sensible frame of mind has returned safely and soundly. (In case you were concerned)

** Crip = a gang member in South Central Los Angeles who prays to Snoop Dog and likes to wear blue and yell “CK allday”…and wear Knights of Columbia jerseys.  Their arch enemies include the Bloods and the fuzz.

YUP...Crip inspired dishes!

Senate seats for sale on Craigslist!!

 

Indeed it’s true…Governor Rob Blagojevich of Illinois decided to tell someone via phone line (wired phone line, mind you…maybe this is one of those times he should’ve listened to all those schizophrenics who claim the “phones are wired by the FBI” this time.  But then again; maybe he doesn’t ride public transportation like yours truely so perhaps he hasn’t met those types, I however do; on a daily basis)…

I digress…Ol Rob decided to offer up the Senate seat if;  “no one good was up for it”…for sale…He also fancies the F-bomb…in fact, he claims to be “fucking golden”…Now to add some more spice to this scandel, let’s just say he is eluding to golden showers…I mean, he is a politician so you know he’s into weird stuff.  Be looking for the golden shower story with Ashlee Dupree (Spitzer’s hooker) to break in a few days…remember you heard it from me first. (I’m intuitive like that).

If you read up on thie Rob Blago guy..man, he is a total bastard and complete slime ball and kind of scary that the Senate seat was put solely in his hands.  He apparently was bribing and extorting money with reckless abandon thinking he was doing nothing wrong.  

If you want to read what vile scum this dude is; there is a great article  at www.nytimes.com(I believe the front page)…Anyways, the ironic part to this scanelicious scandel is; Today is “National Anti-Corruption” day…I guess Rob was doing a little too much celebrating all year long and forgot to take a day off from all his scams and scandals. 

I celebrated anti-corruption day by waiting to get my pirated software tomorrow instead of today (I could’ve gotten it today but decided to observe and respect the holiday…)…I obeyed the “not talking on the cell phone when driving law”…and I even decided to not steal a bottle of water from my boyfriend’s workplace (as hard as it was to refrain myself)…

Last of all; I decided to not extort money from the local business in my hood and to avoid breaking knee-caps and faces for one day…One measly day ROB…Why are you so disrespectful?

Sidebar; Rob looks like a skeezy slimey chipmunk faced bastard…The End!!!