Kipling to Yosemite Sam…

I'm a cowboy...wanted dead or alive -Bon Jovi

Blagojevich has decided to quote Kipling a few weeks ago and has now decided to quote and compare himself to a cowboy…about to be lynched by a bandit of EVIL black-hatted political insiders eagar to raise taxes…

In his long-winded anaology about being a cowboy…sums up (or the edited version) about stealing a horse and the people want to hang him and others want to put him on trial and then hang him. Isn’t he a little fixated on being hung? (not in the good way either)…How about stoning Blagojevich? Wouldn’t a good stoning be fun?

Old fashion hangings are so played out and so abrupt…let’s drag it out with a stoning to death. Maybe Bugs Bunny could show up and pound your head with a hammer too in the meantime; to mix things up a bit more?

Or maybe you could ride your damn stolen gimpy horse outta the country and leave us alone. We don’t like your hair…and you’re cheesy.

He then decides to drag down his voters with them by eluding to the fact that 12 million Illinoisites are also to blame…let’s hang them too? WHAT? Now he’s up for a mass murder/suicide…

All of that aside; if he decides to auction off seats at the hanging…he’s got his first customer!

PROSTITUTION FREE ZONE DURING INAUGURATION

In DC…whoo whee…You might’ve thought what I thought upon first stumbling upon this headline. FREE PROSITUTES…hells ya! Are they doing this because of the economic strife? There is a god? Or perhaps the economy is so bad; they aren’t charging anymore? Are they also so incredibly elated about Obama’s presidency that they are giving it (by “it”, I mean naughty sexual acts) for free? Hallelujah! From the highest mountain top!

Then you continue reading and egads…no free prostitution…They are making certain zones of the city “prostitution free’…damn it. Beaten down once again by the ever-present “man”. However, does this mean that in other regions of the city; prostitution is totally legal now? If so; where the fuck are those areas? I guess it would be everywhere outside of the “prostitution free zone”?

When asked to comment; a local DC hooker had this to say; “A lot of people come here to hook and make extra cash prostituting and it’s hurting them”…I mean, lots of people who come here on business and to the inauguration also prostitute while they are here to make money. HUH? Are they multi-tasking? Are political figures and important people of all walks of life really prostituting on the side to make a few extra bucks? Really? What happened to ebay or donating plasma?

Above-mentioned prostitute also mentions in her spew to the media (shouldn’t you keep hooking on the DL? If you want to stay in business)…that she advertises on craigslist and all her clients who drum up business from her on craigslist will be very disappointed…Why? Can’t they just go a few streets over and meet up with her…is there an inconvenience charge for walking a few blocks to the east?

Is this all part of the “change” we’ve been salivating for in relation to our new president and the first thing he wanted to cover was prostitution? And no one can sell it outside the White House? But anywhere else is fine.

Damn it; I have children, go prostitute anywhere else in the filthy city; just keep it off my damn lawn. –Barack Obama

Gitmo is closing its Hallowed halls…

which is obviously a firehouse of controversy.  Some people are freaking out cuz they don’t want these “criminals” released into their nieghborhoods.  I would like to address this; why is everyone guilty until proven innocent at Gitmo?  Wasn’t it suppose to be the other way around?

I mean, in California; you are pretty much guilty until proven innocent but correct me if I’m wrong, but constitutionally I believe it is suppose to be the other way around. 

Secondly of all; wouldn’t being held at Gitmo make you a criminal…I mean, people don’t waterboard for fun (unless you are a frequenter of the piss pavillion down the street from me)…If I was forced to do unsavory acts; I’d want to blow people up too after having my freedom ripped from me so vehemently without warrent.

Now granted, some of them are possibally guilty of terrorist activity but wouldn’t the hasty trial come into effect then?  

So now that they will have no where to go: I’m going to throw out a friendly option for those wacky detainees.  Come stay at my place…I live in downtown LA; and you can’t be any worse than the ms13’s that litter my neighborhood…keep those bastards in line and on their toes…give them some competition; clean up the hood. 

Also, if you do some naked prisoner pyramid action in the park; you will make good tip money.  Welcome home Gitmo…

Porn Bail out…oy vey!

Okay, so I want a bail out but I’m only asking for about 5 grand to pay off my student loans.  Well, now Joe Francis (Girls Gone Wild douche bag) and Larry Flynt (Hustler guy) are asking the government for a bail out of 5 BILLION dollars.  Oy freaking Vey. 

Flynt says America’s sex life has gone limp…(like he does without viagra) and he says it’s more important that Americans have porn than have cars.  (eluding to the auto industry bail out)…First of all; you can get free internet porn on-line ANYWHERE.  Why should we give these two losers our money for their unimaginative porn?  I’d rather give my money directly to the actors (excuse me, thespians) than a couple of money grubbing douche bags who don’t need any more money and made most of it off impressionable lonely old men.

What about the people doing golden shower porn, scat and beastilaty porn?  Don’t they deserve a bail out?  Or at least a good shower?  (pun intended)…

These two are going to DC to personaly ask for their bail out…I have an idea for Washington…tell then that if they team up for a nice barebacking scat cinematic masterpeice; they will consider it.  If not, they are going to have to let good ol America use their damn imaginations when it comes to sex..or you could just paruse the ski slopes and hope some dudes pants fall off again and hope that satisfies your imminent porn fix.

Or if you are in Los Angeles, there are plenty of parks around where flashers congregate and they will be more than happy to help you with your quest for free porn.  You’re welcome for the kindly tip.

The !@#$% Blagojevich Burger!

Yum…fucking goddamn delicious.  It’s a $%^&* delicious, savory mother @#$%^& goddamn burger.  It’s @#$%^& golden in fact!

A restuarant in Chicago has decided to honor their fare Governor with a burger.  Wow, a little more failing upward…I thought you were suppose to do something noteworthy (I mean, the good kind) to get a damn food named after you…are they going to continue on with the theme and have a Larry Craig milkshake and maybe some GW Bush pie? 

I digress, the things that make this burger so @#$%^ special?  You get to BID on how much you wanna pay for the thing…super!  You bid high enough; it’s yours!  Complete with a dollar sign mustard design, some wonder bread and bologna…(the bologna pun is cheesy)….speaking of cheese, more cheese than you care to muster is also topping off this @#$%^& burger of the century.

If you are lucky; you’ll get one of those nice perfectly coiffed hairs in your burger as well…I wonder if you can also get a side of smarm and some feces on the side.  Used douche water for free if you get the combo platter…

Al Franken stole his senate seat…

according to Republican douche bags.  Yup, they are pissed off that he’s not honoring the time-worn tradition of buying your senate seat.  Doesn’t he know proper protocol when it comes to the senate seats.  You put your bid in on ebay and wait and wait and wait.  

If that doesn’t work; you sell your seat in an airport bathroom to raise money so you can therefore; afford your senate seat like all the other hard-working sentors out there.  

Either way; a seat is for sale and none of them come for free.

We’ve run out of names for bank robbers…egads!

Oy Vey…What is an innocent pedestrian to do?  No more bank robber names…are you fucking kidding me?  According to a recent FBI report; yup, we are completely tapped on what the fuck to call our bank robbers.  It’s a crisis!  

Why is this happening, you ask?  (well, not really but pretend for the sake of this damn blog).  Apparently, bank robberies are on the rise…just like the unemployment rate?  HUH, being a bank robber does not constitute unemployment…it’s a job.  A tough one too!  I mean, I stand in line at the freaking bank for 30 minutes waiting, patiently to deposit my miniscule paycheck and these bastards can get in and out in five minutes.  I want to know their secret.  Why am I such a sucker to just stand there and wait.

So the FBI (I digress, I forgot to premise the paragraph with my digression)…give these illustrious bank robbers names so they are easily identifiable.  For instance; “the straw hat bandit”…the masked crusader, the groucho bandit, the candillac bandit, the bus bastards who just robbed our ass…you get the picture.  Are bank robbers getting lazy and all wearing straw hats?  Have they lost their creativity or is the FBI being lazy and not wanting to grab a thesaurus to peep out some new snappy names?  

I’ve got  a couple to throw out there to help out the fledgling FBI…how about; ‘the asshole who just stole our money”…the “bastard who just ripped us off and rode a bus away from the crime scene”…the bad 80’s hair-do robbers, the emo kid pants robbers, the acne bandits, the meth-head pricks who stole my paper, the guys who get to go first in the line when I’ve been waiting all damn day…the “hey, how do you guys do that and get away with it bandits”…and last of all; the “can I take out a loan from y ou robbers”…

You’re welcome FBI for the crafty names you are more than welcome to use because in the helm of the recession; I’m too poor to paten those names.