Cheek beards and puppy dog tails…

Okay, so the puppy dog tails aren’t relavent at all but I wanted a cutesy title for this article.

So I live in a strange neighborhood whereupon; you see characters you’d never see in a nice normal part of the filthy city.  And when you explain to seemingly “normal” (or rather people who don’t navigate the freakdom of society); they don’t understand or believe you.  And you can’t really take a picture cuz that’s weird and if they have some weird oddity; it’s kind of obvious you have an interest in their strange oddity to mock or conversate about with others.  (all of which are somewhat uncomfortable…especially if you’re not sure the person is away of their strange ailment).

Okay, let’s cut to the chase…about three years ago; (right after my car got stolen; *tear*)…I was on the subway going from North Hollywood to downtown LA.  I see a man on there who looks oddly famliar, a tall man…eureka; he lives in my building…oh great, now I can make him walk me home in my scary neighborhood. 

I head over and say hello…he seems pleasantly surprised that anyone has struck up a conversation with him.  We chat it up…he is a little off but nice enough.  I don’t get a rapist vibe or anything off him.

I do however, notice this oddity that I’ve not even previously seen on another human.  He has a patch of hair on his cheek..everything else is shaved but this weird patch of hair on his left cheek.  Not like; Oops, I missed a spot shaving (although at the time; I dismissed it as such…)…it was long cheek beard* hairs in a random spot on his cheek and no other facial hair.

So months go by and I don’t spend too much time thinking about ol cheek beard*, just the casual hello in the hallway or on the streets.  Hello cheek beard*, nice to see your up keeping that strange patch of hair on your cheek…Have a nice day.

More time passes; then one day I’m sitting outside at a restaurant with a few other folks having a happy hour snack and ol cheek beard comes sauntering on up…(he totally creepy saunters and loitters and walks real slow until you say hello)…   

Hi Cheek beard, these are my friends…wow that cheek beard is really growing…well, goodbye now.  He sulks around waiting for a proper goodbye and then trapses away (he does a lot of hunched over trapsing as well…as any creepy person does)…

The patrons I was fellowshipping with notice the CHEEK BEARD…ALAS!  Finally, someone notices this weird oddity I’ve known about all along.  Except now cheek beard has two cheek beards on each cheek…and they are LONG…like he’s been fostering their growth.

Of course; you can’t exactly ask cheek beard about his beards cuz that would be odd.  So now other people know about cheek beard and  are aware it’s not a figment of my imagination.  Someone even went as far to call it eye beard (it’s just enough below the eye to go either way).

These buddies deduct that goatees haven’t become cool enough to move onto cheek territory…it’s grown out enough now to not constitute “missing a spot” shaving…and there are speculations made as to whether he owns a razor or a tweezer…(although tweezing a cheek beard is a bit optimistic considering one foul swoop of a razor would pretty much take care of it)…

Then I mention that perhaps he is putting rogaine on those two particular spots on his cheeks…like girls have blush on the apples of their cheeks; cheek beard’s own form of blush? 

Then my last philosophy pertaining to the cheek beard is that; perhaps he is doing a vast sociology experiment using his cheek beard as the specimen of study. 

I have seriously googled this weird cheek beard phenomena and there is nothing…I wanted to take a pic but that would be too akward to ask him to pose for a pic with his cheek beard in tact. 

Maybe he’s just way ahead of his time and in a thousand years; cheek beards will be all the rage…

* Cheek Beard = a random patch of hair just under the eye on the apple of the cheek…not normally a place where beard hair is grown.

Thick as thieves…

is kind of a weird deceiving phrase.  I heard someone use this phrase recently to describe someone they were really close to and they said; “We were thick as thieves”…now I’m not so sure I want to be thick with thieves.  Guilt by association after all.  And besides, don’t thieves do dastardly things, who wants to be thick with them?

And when you were thick with above-mentioned person; were you running around robbing and pillaging people?  Maybe you were thick as people who don’t commit crimes, like law abiding citizens.  Thick as law-abiding citizens who are part of the neighborhood  crime watch…there, I’ve resolved the proper connotation of this phrase and expect all to adopt this new cliche in place of the old one.  Thank you in advance.

Bristol Palin wants you to abstain…

From what exactly…using condoms?  She is now officially the spokesperson for the abstinence campaign.  Hmmm, did she have a teenage pregnancy?  Yes I think so, how ironic.  Maybe she is promoting the abstinence from condoms, birth control, and masturbation?    

Hey kids, don’t have sex or you’ll end up like me…at home with your super embarrassing stupid mom Sarah…who wants to pimp you out to abstinence christian groups and Candie’s shoes.  Your BF loses his job and is shunned from your family…you live in the meth capitol of Alaska so you think why not?  Let’s now be abstinent from staying drug free!  Woo hoo…

Gee, this abstinence stuff is kinda fun!

National Prayer Day…

Yesterday was the National Day of Prayer and the Jesus people are upset that Barack is not having a big prayer hoopla in his White house…Bush, and Bush Sr. and Ronnie all did it so people think Barack should do it too.  Phooey.  What ever happened to the separation of church and state?  It’s not the president’s job to let people know they should pray today or any day for that matter. 

Okay, boys and girls, let’s pray.  And to add some more ridiculousness, there is an actual group of individuals called the “Prayer day task force”.  Jeez, talk about wasting the tax payers money on these prayer task folks.  What exactly is their job description?  Do they go from door to door and tell people it’s their task to pray.  Make sure it’s on everyone’s do-to list for the daY?

The Task force of prayer is up in arms over the non-celebration of prayer day at the white house.  Are they really, or are they just trying to secure the job of prayer day task force?  With no big prayer day, do we really need these people?  And in the economic downfall; why are we wasting our money on a prayer task force. 

I’d like to start a task force letting people know it’s lunch time.  I just run around from office to office and remind them. The lunch time task force…or how about, the don’t be a moron task force.  Whenever someone does something stupid or moronic; I get to smack them upside the head and remind them ever-so gently about not being a fucking moron…We all know I’d have job security forever on that task force.

Live Porno on Windsor Castle Lawn…

A couple decided to have some good lovin’ on the lawn of the Windsor Castle…(aka, the queen’s front lawn).  Allegedly, it went on for about 15 minutes before the amorous couple realized they had an audience.  The cops came (pun intended, gross!) and broke it up and charged them with indecency and some other pervy thing.

The thing that really gets me at the end of this story is; “The japanese tourists were comparing their videotapes”.  HUH?  They were?  So they were all out there filming the naked couple and comparing?  Who got the better angles?  Lighting?  Who got the best money shot?  Fuck the queen (literally)…we have internet gold here with this porno, also some memories to last a lifetime.

You don’t get swine flu from eating pork…

you morons!  Everyone knows you get it from the cops.  I’m so annoyed by all the ignorant people and articles who think if you eat pork you will get the H1N1 (formerly known as the swine flue).  On facebook, people keep warning to “not eat pork”…WTF?  Are you people completely uninformed?  On top of that, the genius’ over in Egypt decided to kill off all their pigs so no one gets the swine flu.

People, in this day and age, you have no excuse for this kind of blind ignorance.  We have fucking google…you can’t say you are uninformed and if you do have a question…it’s right there at your lazy fingertips waiting to be answered.  That is what jeeves does all fucking day…wait for your stupid question so he can answer it.

H1n1 (formerly known as…the swine flu) is passed from pig to pig…not from pig to human….unless you are having sexual relations with the above-mentioned pig, then it is up to you to google that.  Not from pig to any other animal.  You can’t get it from eating pork…(the virus dies outside of the living body)…

Scientists (people who are smarter then us)…say there is no way to figure out how the pig flu got transferred to humans (I’m still going with the lonely pig fucker in Mexico, but you don’t have to believe me cuz I’m not properly qualified to dole out such information and be considered credible)…

The other no brainer answer which which everyone is turning a blind eye too (but is the obvious one)….is the cops.  The cops are transmitting it to humans…You stay out of dunkin’ donuts and pay your fines on time, you’ll be okay.  You’re welcome!

Swine Flu Name Change…

Stop naming the flu after us...

So they (who are “they” exactly, people who are important enough to refer to themselves or rather,  have others refer to them as “they”) have decided the name “Swine Flu” is offensive not only to the police but also the animal who shares its namesake.

Who are these weirdos that think if you eat pig; you will get the flu and die?  I say , let then continue to think this, you shouldn’t eat pig anyways.  Leave the damn pigs alone. 

On the other hand, I wish the pigs would leave us alone and I don’t mean the helpless animal.  I mean the po-po…the rea l proliferators of this virus.  A cop coughs on you and you will die, watch out!

With all these being PC crap, people need to not offend the pigs and the pigs (aka fuzz, po, etc…) so the pigs (all of them) are offended that we are blaming a virus on them so we have to change the name to something more acceptable. 

What catchy name can we give the pig flu now?  Oink flu, cop flu, pork product flu, Mexico flu, …no no no…how about H1N1…yeah, that is fucking really catchy.  Looks like it can really do some killing now with such a snappy name.

Hey guys, I have the H1N1…wow, does that pertain to your IQ,,,gee, that sounds smart..I want the H1N1…where can I get it?  Best Buy?   Is that the new WII game? I totally want it dude!

LOL, H1N1…TTYL…