You know when you first meet someone and they think you are totally normal? You pretend and do “normal” things with them, you listen to them yammer on about “normal” things…(Like Martha Stewart living and redecorating their house, baking recipes and horticulture)…Great, all the boring shit I don’t give a rat’s rectum about.
But you smile and nod and pretend like you are deeply interested in such boring nonsense. And surprisingly enough, the mere act of you nodding and smiling makes the other party believe you are totally into their crap.
You go along with it…smiling and nodding and not talking. (Part of the reason I’m going along with such a charade is because I need friends for my kid…I don’t want to gyp her out of having friends…even though later on in life, she undoubtedly realize that they are overrated)
We go over to their Martha Stewart redecorated house once or twice a week so Piper can play….I smile and listen to this lady talk about recipes and decorating ideas. I don’t say anything (mostly cuz I have nothing to contribute)…
We decide to do “trade” babysitting…I babysit at their house and vice versa. I go to their house…I notice that they are the typical normal family…cutesy kid room…lots of healthy food everywhere…a gigantic oversized flat screen TV…I absorb this strange culture. I’m also a little annoyed all the food is “low fat”, “fat free” or “healthy”…where is the fucking junk food? That was my only glory in babysitting when I was younger…eating all the junk food in the house and leaving the family wondering where all their food went.
There is no junk food anywhere so my plans are soiled. Instead I opt to eat their tub of fat free butter..it’s the closest thing I can get to junk food. I scarf down blocks of the fat free cheese…egads. I’m still starving. Damn it.
Okay, so I’m going to digress now. I babysit and now it’s this chick’s turn to baby sit for me. Oh no….She is expecting Martha fucking Stewart ville and I am more like Adam’s Family-ville.
Food is fairly scarce around here…lots of junk food like nuts and chocolate milk and chili cheese chips which I’m sure she’ll find offensive. (because even though I never said anything about being healthy or eating healthy food…that is all she talks about and she interrprets my head nodding as ‘yea, I do the same shit’…which is NOT true at all)
I have a totally crappy TV which no one watches. It’s only here for dire emergencies if the kid is being unruly. In fact, this past year or so was the first time I even owned a TV set and guess what? I realized I missed out on nothing.
My place is a huge open spaced loft type thing…Hard wood floors…I mean, I really like it but it looks like a hippie/artist type lives here (which they do…)
Piper has a huge queen size bed to herself in an area of the house. She has toys everywhere, a play tent…my boyfriend’s office is in a corner and he works on some racy material at times (which I’m hoping she doesn’t decide to use the computer…it could be awkward if she sees some of his projects)…
We have two dogs which pretty much run the place. They have beds bigger than mine and they rule dis piece all up in here. This place is pretty much a kid and dogs dream house. We have no rules and they have the run of the joint.
Anyways, I guess it will come out of the bag that I’m not so normal after all. I hope this Martha Stewart living lady’s dreams aren’t dashed when she sees how undomesticated and unhousewifey I am….
